Wednesday, May 22, 2013

NO! Not me, it's not my time...

I've never been the type of person who pays too much attention to their age.  I always say, it's how I feel inside.  Although, I still feel like a young whipper-snapper (okay, that doesn't sound like I'm feeling young) I'm starting to kind of freak out, this week I will be entering the last year of my 30's.

I'm really not sure if I should smile or cry?

Smile, because I'm still alive and kicking.

Cry, because well, 39 UGH!!!!!

Where did the time go?  Really?  Where?  Dammit!

Sometimes, I forget that I'm an adult until one of my snot slingers walk in and call me "Mommy."
Really?  I'm really a Mom!?!  I look around for the old lady they must be talking too, because my ass is only 23!
I can remember when I turned 16 and now I'm <sniff> <sniff>  old!

I'm not sure if I would feel the same way if my kids were older.

I chose not to have children during my party years, so I had my daughter when I was 29.
And then, was surprised at 35 to find out I was pregnant again!
I was a f'ing mess being pregnant at 35 years old!  I felt like it was just too damn old to be making another human being.  I guess my business was still young enough to do it though.  He turned out completely fine.

I know I'm not the only woman to have children later in life, but everyone around me is younger.  I think I need to start playing Bingo, there has got to be some women older than me there.
They will rub my head and call me a sweet young thing.  Hmm, kind of makes me feel like a dog. Or a hot guy, which I'm neither.  Which reminds me, my dog died and I'm not with a hot young guy!! ARRRR!!!

Maybe, I'm going through my midlife crisis?  Do women even go through a midlife crisis?  Or are they only for 40 something year old balding men?

What do women do, besides start lying about their age? Cause I'm definitely going to be doing that from now on.  I WILL be 39 forever!

How the hell would I even go about having a midlife crisis?  I know some people buy fancy sports cars, I can't do that I have no fucking money and shitty credit.  Maybe I could rent one for a weekend, is there room for a car seat?  I already color my hair cause of the grey hairs I've seen sprouting up.  What kind of adventure would I dare do?  Not give my son a nap anymore?  Well, that's just plain fucking crazy!
Oh well, maybe I can go through my midlife crisis when I turn 50.
Oh shit never mind, I forgot I will be 39 forever.

Although, I've been thinking a lot about what I would like to do or get for my birthday this year.
I'm not a material kind of girl, I love making memories.  So, something ran  through my head about making memories and what I would like for my birthday and maybe help me out with my threatening midlife crisis.

Chris doesn't have a grey tie
Put the kids to bed, and act out some of those scenes I read in Fifty Shades of Grey. Mind you, I don't want to do everything, because there was some crazy shit in that story.  I will leave out the flogger and the butt plugs.  I think the mild stuff would do just fine, blindfolded and tied up.  I wonder if Chris would mind if I ripped up a pair of his jeans for him to wear.  I will have to use my imagination while he's wearing them, I'm pretty sure Christian didn't have a beer belly.
I mentioned this stuff to Chris after I read the books, and he just laughed at me. He has no sense of adventure. Hmm..I wonder if he would do this for me for my birthday?  

I'll probably just end up at the Olive Garden, I do love those bread sticks though!

Thanks for reading,


Monday, May 20, 2013

As Seen on T.V products my kids think I need...

It really does annoy the crap out of me when the kids are watching T.V in the other room and yell out for me:
"Mommy, come here hurry,  Oh my god Mommy, HURRY!!"   I get my bony ass up off my couch and run in the other room, expecting to see a fire or the other one laying on the ground who needs medical attention.
I get there and one of them is sitting there pointing at the T.V,  "Mommy, I have to have this!"
Yep, they called me into the room to show me the newest piece of shit toy they think they need!
While that is really aggravating, what really makes me what to throw the T.V out of our rented window is when they see shit on T.V they think I need.

Here is the newest one, that both my kids think it's the best thing ever.

I'm sure you've seen this thing floating around on your air waves.  My daughter who is 9 and very vain already, wants this really bad.  My son says it will make me pretty.
Me:   Listen guys, that thing is stupid, it looks like it just messes your air up in little sections at a time. 
Andrew:  No, No Mama, it works like a tornado!  It's like magic, I think you will look pretty. 

This one just grosses me out.  Most people who know me know that I don't like to see or talk about bodily fluids or any sticky nasty shit that comes out of a person or animal.
Why the hell would this lady actually be smiling while sucking who knows what out of her ear.
Andrew:  Oh Mama, we have to get that!
Me:  Why do you think we need that?
Andrew:  To get the potatoes out of my ears.  Do you have potatoes in your ears too.
<Gag> <Gag>   I may have mentioned to Andrew that his ears look so dirty that he has potatoes growing out of them.  He doesn't find it as nasty as I do.    After you clean your ears with this thing, who the hell is supposed to clean it out.  I really feel my stomach turning just thinking about it.  I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to put any type of vacuum in your ear.

Here's another one they think I need!   I'm not stupid, I get what they are trying to do, they say I need it because they want it.

Emilie:   Mommy, look at this!  You will never have to buy ice cream again.  
Me:  I don't buy ice cream in the first place, Daddy buys the ice cream.  I think you guys eat too much ice cream. 
Emilie:  I will shake it all myself, it will work out my arms and they will get stronger.
Me:  Yes, they will, because what about the Slushy Magic thing that Santa got you?  
Emilie:  That thing is horrible, you have to shake it for so long, it doesn't work right. 
Me:   Really?  Well, what the hell do you think this thing is?  
Emilie:  It's not the same, because it comes with a special cup inside. 
I told her that I would think about it, she knows damn well what that means.

My son thinks that a spinning mop is awesome.  I think he thinks that it spins by itself while mopping or something.  But, he looked like he damn near shit his pants when he saw this on T.V.

He actually cried when I told him that I didn't need it and I wasn't going to buy it.
He argued with me that he would use it, to clean the floors with it when he spilled stuff on it.

Both of my kids think I should get this one. The Whisper.

Me:  Why in the hell do I need that?  It's for old people.
Em:   It's not only for old people Mommy!
Andrew:  So you can hear us better.
Em:  Yeah, sometimes when we talk to you, you can't hear us and then we have to talk louder.
Me:  Just so you know, I can hear you when you talk to me, I choose not to listen.  Cause you guys talk all the time.  Why don't you get it for Daddy? I don't think he can hear you guys very well when you talk.  (Ha,Ha)

Even though it drives me insane to have these conversation about these dumb products that I don't need. It makes me feel kind of good that they actually think of me instead of everything that they want.

Thanks for reading


I did not get paid for writing about any of these products nor did I buy any of them!