Friday, May 4, 2012

My Top 10 List

Below is the top 10 list of things I used to take for granted before I had children.
I wish I could go back and do it all over again, and enjoy every moment.

1.  Going poop by yourself
2.  Taking a shower
3.  Shaving your legs more than once a month
4.  Sleep (Oh god sleep how I've missed you)
5.  Watching T.V
6.  Reading
7.  Eating a hot dinner or any meal for that matter
8.  Being able to buy stuff for yourself and not feeling guilty if you do.
9.  Sex
10. Being bored

Anyone who has children knows what I'm talking about. If you don't have children yet.. or you know that you will never have children. DON'T EVER TAKE THESE THINGS FOR GRANTED.

Thursday, May 3, 2012


The word for today is “NO”. It seems simple enough, but as women we know it’s one of the hardest one syllable words that we don’t say enough.

Just so you know, this post in not about anyone in particular, I have friends who talk in my ear and as a good friend I listen. Sometimes I give my opinion and sometimes I just take it all in and put it on the Internet.

As women and myself included we don’t say NO enough. Why is it in our DNA to try to please everyone?

When will we realize that we can not make everyone happy..  we can not save the world!

These are the statements I say to myself all the time, but yet I still say YES.

It frustrates me to no end that women I know, again myself included.. Give and give and people take and take, but we keep saying YES.

We feel like we are being good people, by trying to please everyone else, but ourselves. Deep down we know we are being taken advantage of. But we keep doing it!!

Then what happens, we get to a breaking point and we flip out, we go nuts!

We eventually calm down and push it all back inside.

I think we should all say NO to one person once a day. You know you have someone in your life who asks you for crazy favors or expects you to “help” them, when you know they are capable to help themselves. Tell that person NO today! And see what happens.

Maybe you said No to someone that you usually say yes to, how did you feel?  What did you say to yourself afterwards? Oh yah.. Take that and suck it!! Or did you feel guilty?
 I think we should just keep trying.. Until we don’t feel guilty anymore. There is no reason to feel guilty for not letting yourself be taken advantage of. Let some other sucker say yes.

Another part of NO I should include in this post is, we can’t change other peoples lives. They make their own decisions.  You may not agree with what path they have chosen for themselves, but it is not your life you can’t “fix” anyone. They have to be able to stand up on their own two feet and make the changes that will suit them. So say NO to that. Say NO to yourself when you start worrying about someone else and what they have chosen to do or be.

I actually learned that a long time ago, I no longer worry about other people. If you drink and drive and you get arrested, I’m not going to worry about it. That will not keep me up at night!!

What do we get back for saying yes to everyone?  A place in heaven?
That’s all fine and dandy, but I want my reward NOW!

My reward will be saying NO!!!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Life of a Stay at Home Mom

When I had my daughter in 2004, I worked for a beer distributor, I had been there a long time and I enjoyed my job. After I gave birth, I took 3 months off to care for our new baby girl. We had saved up money during my pregnancy and while I was out I received "short term" disability.  I was excited to get back to work, I never thought about staying home longer than 3 months. I seriously thought I would go crazy being a stay at home mom.  So I went back to work and she went to the best daycare.

Fast forward 5 and 1/2 years, I had our son. I no longer worked at the beer distributor, I worked in a Medical Office which I really didn't like. Chris and I went over all of our expenses and made the decision that I could in fact stay home with our new son.  I was super excited, I thought this going to be great!

You know when you first have a baby, its so draining. You sleep when the baby sleeps. I never had a problem doing that.
But, what I didn't expect is that I had all these great expectations of what my life would be like being a SAHM.
Well, let me tell you, unless you have a lot of money there isn't much fun to be had staying at home doing laundry and cleaning up after everyone else.

Living on one income is very difficult!!  As I mentioned before my car broke down and we couldn't afford to get it fixed or even buy a new one. So here I am, at home with no car!

One of my close "girlfriends" Shirley (and if Chris is reading this, no we have not had any sexual encounters)
Shirley works full time and so does her husband. They have 4 kids, a 2 year old that is both her and her husbands. And her husband has 3 children from a previous marriage. All the children expect one of his kids live with them.
Shirley made mention  last week, she wanted to quit her job and be a SAHM!  So I asked her tell me what you think your average day would look like if you did get to stay home with your son?
She proceeded to tell me, well I will get the older kids up and off to school. I will wake up my toddler and make him breakfast, get him and myself showered and dressed. I would clean up the house a bit and do some laundry. Then I will go work out in the garage, maybe go to town and run a few errands or come visit me out in BFE!  Back home to put the toddler down for a nap. Plan dinner and then finish the evening as normal.

I said to her, let me tell you what your average day will actually be: You will get up early to get the older kids off to school, if your toddler is still sleeping you will go back to bed with him. When you guys wake up you will get him some breakfast. While he's eating you will sit in front of the t.v and watch The Kelly Show, or some other mind numbing program.  You will think about working out, but then decide nah.. maybe tomorrow.
While all this is going on you and your son will still be in your p.j's. You will probably get some housework done while on the phone with your friends.  If you have any errands to run you will most likely move them to the next day, because you just don't want to get dressed. When nap time comes for your son, you will be so exhausted from doing nothing that you will lay down with him. When you wake up you will think about what your going to do for dinner, maybe take a shower, put on a new pair of p.j's and finish the evening as usual.
You will realize you didn't get as much done that day like you wanted too. So about 4:00 you will run around like a crazy person, getting everything done before your husband gets home.

Since I've become a stay at home mom I've become an expert at a few things  I could definitely win the
 "The Price is Right", How to dance like Ellen Degeneres. I could write a book about all the health &  beauty secrets Dr. Oz gives. Cook like Rachel Ray (not that I have any desire to)  Last but not least, how to get a nap into my day before my daughter gets off the bus.

I know I joke about how boring my life is, but I truly love being home with my son, I get to watch him learn and grow. I didn't get to see that everyday with my daughter, mostly everything she learned was because of daycare. They even potty trained her. Now, I have to do it with my son.. and I'm not doing too well.  But we are trying and having lots of fun learning together.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


Do all men think that sex is what makes the world go around? Well I know my man does, he's told me that.
I have a friend who is a girl, (just like me) And yes I think of myself as a girl and not a woman, cause it makes me feel young. Anyway, girls who are friends refer to each other as their "girlfriend". I've seen it on Facebook all over the internet "My girlfriends and I are going on a road trip". So there you go and example with the word in a sentence. 
My point, me and one of my "girlfriends" talk on the phone a lot, she used to live in the same city as me but she moved with her family less than a year ago. She's still in Florida., she moved further south. 
She and her kids will come up to Ocala to visit and what not. I consider us close friends, and we have fun together. 
Chris asks me all the time if we are lesbians!!! WTF... why the hell would he think that? He says cause we always talk on the phone and she visits a lot. Well so fucking what. If I had a damn car, I would go visit her. 
So, I just found out today that her boyfriend also makes the lesbian comments to her as well.

Don't get me wrong, I am not homophobic by no means. If you remember in one of my last posts, my best friend who took her own life was a lesbian. So being called a lesbian doesn't really bother me, because I know who I am and who I want to share my bed with. 

What pisses me off, is why does that even enter a man's mind?? 

When Chris makes those stupid little comments, I either just blow him off (not literally) or I'm a smart ass back and say, "Don't be jealous, cause we won't let you watch". 
Then he will say, see I knew you were!!!

It's not just this particular friend either, when I first met Chris by BFF Deb had just passed away 3 months before and I was still mourning. Later in our relationship when I would bring up her name for any reason he would ask me: "Did you and your friend ever do it". And of course I would answer: "What the Fuck.. why would you ask such a stupid question." 
That leads me to believe he just thinks when women get together we turn gay/bi ?  
Is he just that narrow-minded? Or do most men think that way?

Now, I have to bring up, why don't women think that way? Or at least I don't. When men go for a "guys night" or hang out at the bar. When Chris comes home, I don't ask: "So, did you and (so & so) do a little Sword Fighting tonight".

Em's Dramatic Morning

It all started last night, Em told me that starting today at school they will be playing baseball or T Ball. She is freaking out. She said that the coach at P.E explained how to play the game but she "forgot".
Ask her to recite Taylor Swift songs and she can do that with out thinking.

Anyway, I was woke up this morning by Em sobbing next to my bed. (mind you this was supposed to be the day I can sleep in and Chris gets her ready)  She was pleading with me for her to either stay home from school or if I can write a note telling her coach she couldn't play T Ball today. Of course I said what hopefully most mom's would say to their 2nd grade child who is perfectly healthy to participate in school sports. "Suck it up".

Now, I'm forced to get out of bed and talk to her about what she's really upset about.
She said she doesn't want people to laugh at her, cause she can't remember where to run after she hits the ball.

6 am and I'm drawing a baseball field diagram on my late notice of the phone bill. Including arrows and little people standing in line waiting for their turn to bat, and people standing at the bases.
She of coursed whined even more saying she won't remember how to do it. So my last resort,
"Let other kids go first and just watch them to see where they go".
The tears finally dried up, so I think I finally got through to her T ball fears.

When she gets off the bus today, my first question will be is: "How was P.E?" And she will probably answer, "Oh we didn't have enough time so I didn't have to bat". Then we will have to go through the same scenario tomorrow morning!

Just so you know, she did this same routine last month when she had to learn how to play basketball.
But then she was afraid to play with the boys. After much talking and pleading for her to stop crying she agreed she would do what she had to do. Ended up she had to play basketball, but not with the boys after all. All was good in Em's world after that.

What's next? Teach her how to play Volleyball? I guess I won't mention that she will probably get clocked on the head with that ball a few times.

Monday, April 30, 2012

The Boogie Man

First let me start by saying that I have never once claimed to be the "World's Best Mom", nor do I raise my kids with the promise rainbows will come out their ass when they poop. I believe in the real world whatever that means. I have a sick sense of humor, I always have. I love to play practical jokes and love to scare the shit out of people!  I'm not really one of those people who can hand it out but not take it. Scare me go right ahead, I will probably shit my pants then go laugh about it. Chris is the same way, he loves to scare people, but it's really hard to scare him.

Scaring my our daughter Em must be my favorite past time. That girl is scared of everything! If a moth flies her way she does this crazy ass dance while screaming at the top of her lungs, which I think it means
 "get that damn thing away from me".

Chris used to own a couple of Halloween masks, but had to give them away, Em was so afraid of these things she wouldn't even walk into the room if she knew it was there. Once I put one of the masks on my son who at the time was 10 months old, and just started to walk. I had him walk into his sister's room and she screamed like someone just cut off her damn foot. She flew out of there so quick poor Andrew fell right on his masked face.
I know it's evil, but I'm giggling about it as I type. Don't Judge me!

My son who is only 2 now, likes to hide around the house and I try to find him so I can scare him.

Wonder if this will make him a strong man or a coward?

And I know for sure I'm not the only one who does this,  I have a friend who's husband hid under the kids bed as they were going to sleep, then he stuck his head out and screamed. The kids nearly peed their beds. haha.

Chris and I will always try to scare each other, once while he was in the shower, I took a huge cup of cold ass water and snuck into the bathroom and dumped it right on him. He didn't care for that too much, but I sure got a laugh.

At our old house, we had a pretty big screened in porch and I would sit out there late at night and smoke or talk on the phone. Chris always thought it was funny as hell to sneak out the front door and come around back and scare the balls off me. He got me every damn time too.. You think I would have learned.

If you don't think that I'm totally ruining my kids and think this is the slightest bit funny.. share some of your "Boogie Man" stories.


My sweet baby girl, Emilie who is 8 years old. She is so much like me sometimes, it scares me.
When I was younger I wanted to be a psychologist, and of course I'm not, but now I wish I were cause it would come in handy with my daughter and trying to understand her.
Sometimes she is so emotional, cries over the drop of a hat, and other times she will just not open up at all.
Seems like she cries or get upset of what I think are "silly" things, like when she can't remember how to spell one of her spelling words. But when her grandmother dies, not a tear.

She had a field trip to a Museum this past Friday, this was only her second field trip ever since she started school. So of course she was super excited to go, and so was I. I couldn't wait for her to come home and tell me all about her day.

She gets off the bus and we walk in the house and I say, so did you have fun today? And she said "Yah", then walks away. I stood there dumb-founded. WTH!!

I tell her Emilie I want to hear about your field trip and she says, just ask me questions and I will answer them.
Most kids I would think would not be able to stop talking about it. Not mine though.

Christmas and birthday's every year, are a hoot. She could open up the best present she ever wanted and she would just smile and put it to the side. I'm not sure if she's embarrassed to show her excitement or what.

Since my mom died at Hospice, they arranged for a children's counselor to go to Em's school and talk to her weekly, to make sure she's handling the loss ok.  The counselor would call me and update me on the sessions, and she would tell me that Em really didn't talk to much. If the counselor asked her a question Em would just answer Yes or No.  I would sit down with Em and ask her if she had any questions on the topic and to tell her it's ok to talk and to cry. And she would say.. Nope I'm fine.

My mom lived with my family for 2 years and Em saw her everyday, so she was used to having her in her life. I'm just not sure how she can be so aloof about it.

I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child in January, and cause I can't keep anything to myself, I told Em about it. She didn't say much. But then in March when I lost the baby. I went to her and sat her down in her room and told her. I explained what happened and that we will not be having a new baby. And she just said "ok". I asked her are you upset? She said and I quote: "I don't care either way". OMG.
I'm really not sure how to take that.

Every morning I see Emilie off to school and I tell her I Love You, have a great day. And nothing.. she doesn't say anything. At night, when I tuck her into bed, she gives me a kiss and I say I Love You, and nothing still. I asked her why don't you say I love you? And she said: " I don't know".

I'm afraid there maybe something wrong, I've contemplated bringing her to a children's therapist.
But I'm just not sure.
When I was a kid, if my mom said "I Love You", I remember saying it back to her. But, she didn't say it often. Even as an adult, I can probably count on both hands how many times my mom said those three words to me. When she did say it, I felt weird saying it back.   And I take that into consideration when I say it to Em, I want to be better than my mom. I want Em to know I love her and for her to know it's ok to say it back.
Also, like Em when I was a kid and even now, I don't show much emotion when accepting a gift. I smile and act excited and say thank you. Even if I'm truly excited, I don't show my true excitement, I feel like I have to act it out. I don't know why I do that.
So I understand how she gets that trait. But everything else I just don't understand.

I've talked Chris about her, and he doesn't think it's a big deal. But he's a man, and most men don't show their emotions anyway. At least the men I've known.

I feel I'm at a crossroads here, do I keep trying to pull her out of her "shell" or do I take her to a therapist?

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Saying Goodbye

As I was scanning over what my Facebook friends are up to, I noticed that one of my closest friends grandmother died. I know she was old and lived a long life, but it still saddens me to know that someone that a friend loved is no longer in their life.
It makes me think about the people I've lost in my life. There are quite a few but only 3 who meant the world to me.
A man going into the hospital for a heart bypass and had a stroke on the OR table. When he opened his eyes in ICU, I asked the nurse why his eyes are blue instead of hazel like mine?
Watching the same man at a rehab taking is last gurgly breaths. As the family goes in one by one to say their goodbye's privately. I guess I should feel lucky I got to say goodbye to the man I called Dad. As I said my goodbye seeing a single tear roll down his face, I knew he heard me and felt the same way.

Watching a woman die in Hospice knowing only a week before she seemed completley fine. Also holding on to this world with labored breathing. Again going in that somber room by yourself to open up your heart again. And hoping she hears you, no sign of alertness, nothing.. just silence except for the breathing. I got to say goodbye to a woman I called Mom.
I've said this before,  I feel honored that they were both there with me when I was brought into this world, and I got to be there for them, when they left this world.

Saying goodbye isn't always possible, the third person who meant the world to me was my best friend Debby.
She took her own life one Thursday in September. I did get to see her (body) before they took her away. To be honest I wish I hadn't. That picture of her resting on her side on the floor haunts me everyday.
Debby got to say goodbye, with a letter she wrote and everyone who was mentioned in that letter got a copy of it from her parents. That's the only thing I have left of Debby.. her goodbye. I didn't get mine!!

It's amazing what you will say to a dying person, who can not speak, you just open up your heart and let everything out.  After those experiences, I try to tell the people close to me how I feel about them. It's still really hard for me. I'm not the mushy type. My children and Chris know how I feel about them. Why do we wait until someone is on their "death bed" to tell them how you feel?

I guess my point is, saying I LOVE YOU  doesn't make you a weak person.
You never know if that will be your good bye.