Friday, April 12, 2013

Would this be considered Fan Mail?

Secret Subject Swap

Welcome to Take Two of April’s Secret Subject Swap. 
This week, 11 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 
Thank you to Karen at Baking in a Tornado for hosting!

This is my first time participating in the Secret Subject Swap and I have to admit I'm kind of nervous doing this. I hope I can live up to all the other amazing bloggers who are participating! 

My subject is: "Dear Kardashians." 
It was submitted by:  My Life as Lucille.  

Here it goes: 

Dear Kardashians,

I have to admit that I haven't watched very many of your shows. I know who everyone is and I think I've formed an opinion that I can share.

I would like to start with the step dad Bruce;  Yes, I am aware you are an Olympic winner.. blah, blah do you have to bring it up ever time you open your mouth?  Speaking of opening your mouth, how is that even possible anymore?  I don't mean to sound rude but, are you trying to look like Liza Minnelli?  Not the look a man should be going for. Just my opinion!

Kris, from what I've heard you actually like your man looking like that! Are you trying to turn him into a woman? If you're a lesbian, that's okay just come out already.  I know you've had work done too, and that's okay, but there is a point that you just have to stop. You are not 23 years old anymore and no amount of surgery can make you look like it.  It's kind of sick if you are trying to look like your daughters.  Be the Mom, a grown ass woman, not a wanna be.

Hey Scott, why don't you stay home every once and a while and play with the kids you helped make?  Speaking of being a man, what the hell do you even do for a living? Mooch off your the family?  All I ever see you do is party and whine that Kourtney is a bitch. 

I do agree with Scott somewhat though, Kourtney does come off as quite bitchy!  

You and your sisters are supposed to be running a business right?  Well, why do they do all the work while you sit home with your kid on your teet? Boo-hoo Scott doesn't pay enough attention to me (sniff, sniff) well do something about it dammit!  You are more than a mother you know!
I'm a mother as well, but I have other things I like to do besides staying home with them all the time. Go do something with your spouse, maybe he will pay more attention to you. 

Khloe', I've only seen you on the Miami show this year, but what I've seen is hilarious!  I like that you tell it like it is.  The show where you were addicted to that coffee and you took the scooter out in the middle of the night was very entertaining!  I haven't watched your show with you and your husband, it just looks kind of boring. But, who knows, maybe I will check it out one day if I have nothing better to do. 

Rob, oh dear God would you please quit whining so much! 

My kids whine less than you!
A little piece of advice; grow some damn balls already!  Do you seriously have to cry about everything?  Stop bugging your sisters for money and just go get a damn job! We are so very sorry you weren't born with tits and a big ass like your sisters, work with what you have! 
Also, you are not going to find a respectable woman with the party girls you're always hang out with!  Maybe, here's an idea.. instead of blubbering about your weight, go to the gym and find a woman there!

I've saved my favorite for last. 

Kim, I think you are too freaking funny.  Your a duh kind of funny!  You know what I mean? No? That's okay.  Same as Khloe' I've only seen you on the Miami show.  I won't bring up the sex tape thing.. oops.. doesn't matter I haven't seen it nor do I want to.

I really didn't follow you when you were married for like 3 days or something like that. Of course it was all over the news.  I didn't pay much attention to it though, I don't really give a bull-spit about it. 

So, I hear you are pregnant now.  Wow, congrats! 

Hope you carry in the front if you know what I mean? No? That's okay sweetie, it will all even out.

Hope this letter finds you all well, 

Fan #2,341,451
Oh shit who am I kidding, I'm not really a fan! 

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  

Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

Baking in a Tornado

Peanut Layne

Menopausal Mother

Sadder But Wiser Girl

Evil Joy Speaks

The Black Sheep Mom

Home on Deranged

Victoria Rose Vintage

Dates 2 Diapers

My Life as Lucille

Thanks for reading,

Weekend Funnies

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Don't feed the Trolls!

When we moved here, I knew one person a good friend, Kyley.   I was very nervous about moving away from friends and family.  I was even more nervous for my daughter Emilie.  She would only know one person as well, my good friends’ daughter.

Before we moved, my friend Kyley asked me if I wanted to sign Emilie up for Girl Scouts.  I immediately said yes, I thought it would be a great way for her to meet new people outside of what would be her new class.
Also, maybe I could meet a few new people myself, other Mom’s, makes perfect sense right?

Oh boy how I was so damn wrong!

We went to meeting after meeting, where all the girls sat around table and listened to the leader (who I will be referring to her as the troll) talk.

She would talk about how Girl Scouts were founded and the promise they had to memorize.  They would sit and color pictures while the troll would make smores in her oven.  I would watch Emilie as she sat at her table looking bored out of her mind, wondering why she is being treated like a preschooler.  She would color, she would do everything asked of her.

Emilie is a very shy girl and she doesn't like to talk in front of other people.  Sometimes the troll would call on Emilie to answer a question that she asked.  Emilie would immediately freeze and I could see the tears forming in her eyes terrified that she had to talk in front of others.  I would notice that the troll would roll her eyes when this would happen.
I never said anything; I know I can’t keep my sweet little shy, stuttering girl in a bubble forever.

The troop decided to join the counsel on a camping trip.  I agreed Emilie would go, granted she has never gone camping before.  She’s never even been inside a tent before.  I know she would have a great time.
The camping trip would consist of sleeping there for 2 nights.
Hmm. This causes a slight problem for me.   I can only spend the night one night.  (Mind you, I gladly paid for both nights)  I let the troll know that I had a toddler at home that I've never spent the night away before. A toddler who freaks out when I leave to go to the bathroom.  Chris is a great Father, but he’s not the Mommy.  I decided that Emilie could go for both nights because I trusted my friend Kyley to make sure she would be okay without me.  Emilie has always been fine spending the night with out me.

I let the troll know that I would only be spending one night with them.  I would come on Saturday early afternoon, spend the night, help the troop clean up, and leave on Sunday.  I thought it was an okay plan, Emilie was fine with it.  Kyley was fine with it, even the troll had nothing to say.  Win, win!

Fast forward, to the dreaded cookie selling time. God, I dreaded this part of this organization.  I hate selling things.  When we had our meeting, I made it very clear that the only people I know in this town are the ladies in our troop.  Who the hell would I sell these cookies too?  They certainly aren't going to buy my cookies they have a shit ton of their own to sell.

I managed to sell 2 boxes to Emilie’s teacher.  Because, I had only sold 2 boxes, I agreed to do 2 cookie booths even though I was only required to do one.  I felt bad because I didn’t sell any cookies.  Even the co-leader did at least 3 booths herself.
The troll, because she can’t do anything by herself she only did 1 booth, even though she was supposed to do more.  It is her troop right??
She through a fit because Kyley the co-leader did her 3 booths and didn't want to do anymore and she was busy that specific weekend.  So troll didn't do her booth because she didn't get her way.

Can I remind you that the Mom’s in this troop are adults all over the age of 25.

Our last meeting troll announced the troop would be using our earned cookie money to go to Nickelodeon Hotel for a weekend.  The girls would still have to pay money to go, it was originally $15 and bring a snack to contribute.  And the Mom’s would have to pay something too.  Okay, I was fine with that.  At the same meeting troll handed out the left over cookies that weren't sold to all the girls and told them that if they weren't sold they couldn't go to the trip.

Really?!?   I told the troll, well I will try, but we live in an apartment complex and most of the people I've seen are kind of sketchy and I don’t want my daughter or myself walking up to strange people begging them to buy our cookies.

I started with 12 boxes cookies to sell and I managed to sell 4 boxes to the stoner who lives across from me.

“Dude, these lemon cookies are sooooo good.” he would pay with a shit load of sweaty quarters.

Then, I heard through the girl scout grapevine that the troll had said to 2 different people that I didn't deserve to go on the trip. She said I didn't deserve to go, not Emilie.  She said this for 2 reasons..

First reason is that I didn't sell enough cookies, the person she said this too stuck up for me saying well, she told you she didn't know anyone here and she did 2 cookie booths.  Troll, said, cookies booths don’t count for shit!! This person also said, well I didn't sell any cookies either.
The troll responded, well that’s okay for you.

Second reason is, I didn't spend 2 nights at the camping trip when the other parents did.  Even though she knew damn well why I wasn't and she was fine with it a month before.  Not all the parents went on the camping trip.  They dropped their kids off Friday night and hauled ass.
There were like 9 or 10 girls and 4 adults.

Troll sent out text messages asking who was all going to the Nick Hotel, I replied simply, “Emilie and I will not be going.”  She of course replied. Oh, no! That stinks!..

I let it go, I wasn't in the mood to fight with a troll.

She kept bugging Kyley about why I wasn't going.  Kyley would respond, “I don’t know ask Ellen.”
I waited for the text that never came.
I let Kyley know if she asks you again tell her exactly why I’m not going.

She told her and of course the troll denied it.  (This isn't the first time she talked behind parents back) I knew her track record over these last few months.

I finally got a text from the troll explaining that I might have heard some rumor that was going around.  I replied, that yes I had heard the rumor from 2 different people who have no reason to lie about it.  I told her I was done with her troop, that I was too old to deal with bullshit like this.
And, finally that the only thing that my daughter learned from being in her troop was how to scream at others and to roll her eyes. “Thanks for the experience.”

Of course, Kyley’s phone was blowing up all night about it.  To which the Girl Scout troll told her that I could just “Fuck off.”

Wow, she certainly has a way with words.
Every time I have to see her the song from Dora is playing in my head.

♪♪"I'm the grumpy old troll who lives under the bridge.♪♪

I did though, meet one other Mom that I now consider a friend. She actually sold a butt-load of cookies and “deserves” to go on the trip.  I’m sure my ears will be ringing or burning whatever ears do when people are talking about them that weekend.

I think I will sign Emilie up for soccer or dance next year.

Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Two-Takes Exchange.. Take Two

Hello, Readers. Tis I, Aubree...again...back for another 
Two-Take Exchange with Bad Word Mama
Just in case you need a quick preface, here's the lowdown of how this works: each week, or every other week, or monthly, or whatever, Ellen and I will take turns choosing an image. We will then share the image with the other and will write up individual "takes," describing how the image inspired or moved us. Neither of us will know in what direction the other is going until we make the swap and publish them 
(I will publish her "take" on my blog, and vice versa).
So, below is my take on this week's image. 
You can find Ellen's respective post over on The Basement walls.
 We hope you enjoy our two-takes.

Drum roll, please......... 

Dear God: 

I will try to make this brief b/c I know you are a super busy God(dess), and you probably have a whole lot of prayers to try to get around to answering, not to mention all the world dilemmas and grotesque issues of humanity that need to be addressed; and of course, there is all the smiting that needs to get done (I added another name to my "please smite" list, if you have any extra smiting time); also, there is that spider-monkey-gorilla-ant thing that just got added to the "endangered list," so I'll try to make this brief...

As you know, things have been really hard for us financially over the last two years. As a result, we've had to recently make the decision to downgrade our toilet paper, so I am basically begging you to PLEASE make one of two things happen: bring the price of Charmin w/ Aloe way down, OR please help our buttholes toughen up without having to endure the whole "wait until the callouses form" stage.

Secondly, my constipation grows worse with every passing moment. I have sent numerous letters to the Pope and Homeland Security, but they continue to ignore me. PLEASE help me prevent the irrevocable world-wide catastrophe that is pretty much guaranteed to occur when these fecal demons are finally released into our sewage and water systems (our house is not on a septic you know, b/c you are God and you know everything). 
It is no longer a question of "if;" it is only a question of "when." Please save the innocent.

As you also probably know, there are terrorists hanging out in the trees behind my house waiting to descend upon me and steal me away, so as to harness the power that is incubating in my butt (and growing stronger everyday). This is getting serious, God. *I know I have made mistakes about things stalking me in the past as a result of my paranoid delusions, but I am CERTAIN that this is way different than the time I was certain that a three-headed goose was living under my bed. I don't mean to tell you how to do things, bc you're God and all, but I think you should let that one slide. I was, after all, only 34 years old.*

And finally, God: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE bring back Jello Pudding Pops.