Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Coochy Juice (No, it's not what you're thinking, you sicko!)

The Bloggess isn't the only one who has unusual and stupid conversations with her friends or husband.  We probably all do, well people with a sense of humor.

Since nothing really embarrasses me, I like to use my sick sense of humor to embarrass or horrify others.

Below is an actual phone conversation I had with my friend the other day. She was by herself at Kmart shopping for something.  She decided to call me and talk me through her shopping event.  I have to live through other people's lives, since I hardly ever get out of the house by myself.

Friend:  Hey, whatcha' doing?
Me:  Just reading, what are you up to?
Friend:  I'm at Kmart picking up hemorrhoid cream for my boyfriend.
Okay, she really didn't say that, but in my mind, that's what she was getting. 
Me:  That's cool
Friend:  Oh my god they have the Taylor Swift perfume on sale for $10!  Didn't Emilie want that for Christmas?
Me:  Yeah, but I didn't get it because it was $30 before Christmas. I'm not paying that much for a 9 year old.
Friend:  Wow, they have all the perfumes on sale.  Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Halle Berry.
Me:  Halle Berry?!?  She has her own perfume?  What the hell. I need to make my own!  I think I would name it Coochy Juice.
Friend:  WHAT!!!
Me:  Would you wear my perfume?  (giggle, giggle)
Friend was saying something but I couldn't hear because I was laughing too hard at myself.
Chris:  What the hell are you saying?  Are you asking her if she would wear your coochy juice?
Me:  Chris would you wear my perfume?
Chris:  I've worn it, I don't think you should bottle that scent!  (Hee-Hee)
Me:  What the shit! Not nice ass-licker! Why are you listening to my conversation anyway?
Chris:  Because you are sitting right next to me. Go somewhere else and talk that nonsense.
Me:  It's not actually the smell of cooter's dumb ass. It's just the name of the perfume. SMFH!
Friend:  (Laughing) Ellen you say the weirdest stuff!
Me:  Well, someone has to say them!
Friend:  Well, I gotta go before I get to the cream aisle and you start talking about that too.
She didn't say that either, but again in my mind she still had to go get her boyfriends bung hole cream.

So, if I made my own perfume and named it "Coochy Juice" it would be in a cute bottle with this amazing pic of myself on the front.

Thanks for reading and Happy New Year!!

Monday, December 30, 2013

My New Year's Resolution

Hey all, I know it's been a while since I've written a post, but before I give you my lame-ass excuse for not writing first I want to talk about my new year's resolution.

I normally don't make resolutions, because I have absolutely no will power and I never, ever keep them.

But, if I do make a resolution or a promise to myself, I try to make it small so that if and when I fail it won't be a big deal.  I know I'm just setting myself up for failure.  Yeah, who the shit cares!

Come next August I will hopefully be returning to the work force and I won't be able to sit on my ass all day watching "The Price is Right."  I know I will regret not using my free time for something I really, really want to accomplish.

My New Year's Resolution this year is to finally finish the book I've been working on. I'm embarrassed to say how long I've been working on it.  Umm, so I won't.  Ha Ha.

I'm also going to try to write my blog more often.

So you want to hear my lame-ass excuse for not writing my blog?  Well, too damn bad, I'm gonna tell you anyway.

There are a number of reasons actually:
I've been non stop reading
Kicking some Candy Crush Ass
Cleaning like and OCD freak

So there you go, that's what's been so damn important.  Actually, it is very important for me to be inspired by something to be able to write about it.  A day doesn't go by that I don't think about my blog and what I should write about.  But, the way I see it is, if I'm not interested in writing about it, why would someone want to read it.

Because of my bullshit, I've lost quite a few readers, which is okay I guess.  I don't like waiting on people either.

So, do you make resolutions?  If so, do you keep them?

Thanks for reading,