Friday, April 12, 2013

Would this be considered Fan Mail?

Secret Subject Swap

Welcome to Take Two of April’s Secret Subject Swap. 
This week, 11 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 
Thank you to Karen at Baking in a Tornado for hosting!

This is my first time participating in the Secret Subject Swap and I have to admit I'm kind of nervous doing this. I hope I can live up to all the other amazing bloggers who are participating! 

My subject is: "Dear Kardashians." 
It was submitted by:  My Life as Lucille.  

Here it goes: 

Dear Kardashians,

I have to admit that I haven't watched very many of your shows. I know who everyone is and I think I've formed an opinion that I can share.

I would like to start with the step dad Bruce;  Yes, I am aware you are an Olympic winner.. blah, blah do you have to bring it up ever time you open your mouth?  Speaking of opening your mouth, how is that even possible anymore?  I don't mean to sound rude but, are you trying to look like Liza Minnelli?  Not the look a man should be going for. Just my opinion!

Kris, from what I've heard you actually like your man looking like that! Are you trying to turn him into a woman? If you're a lesbian, that's okay just come out already.  I know you've had work done too, and that's okay, but there is a point that you just have to stop. You are not 23 years old anymore and no amount of surgery can make you look like it.  It's kind of sick if you are trying to look like your daughters.  Be the Mom, a grown ass woman, not a wanna be.

Hey Scott, why don't you stay home every once and a while and play with the kids you helped make?  Speaking of being a man, what the hell do you even do for a living? Mooch off your the family?  All I ever see you do is party and whine that Kourtney is a bitch. 

I do agree with Scott somewhat though, Kourtney does come off as quite bitchy!  

You and your sisters are supposed to be running a business right?  Well, why do they do all the work while you sit home with your kid on your teet? Boo-hoo Scott doesn't pay enough attention to me (sniff, sniff) well do something about it dammit!  You are more than a mother you know!
I'm a mother as well, but I have other things I like to do besides staying home with them all the time. Go do something with your spouse, maybe he will pay more attention to you. 

Khloe', I've only seen you on the Miami show this year, but what I've seen is hilarious!  I like that you tell it like it is.  The show where you were addicted to that coffee and you took the scooter out in the middle of the night was very entertaining!  I haven't watched your show with you and your husband, it just looks kind of boring. But, who knows, maybe I will check it out one day if I have nothing better to do. 

Rob, oh dear God would you please quit whining so much! 

My kids whine less than you!
A little piece of advice; grow some damn balls already!  Do you seriously have to cry about everything?  Stop bugging your sisters for money and just go get a damn job! We are so very sorry you weren't born with tits and a big ass like your sisters, work with what you have! 
Also, you are not going to find a respectable woman with the party girls you're always hang out with!  Maybe, here's an idea.. instead of blubbering about your weight, go to the gym and find a woman there!

I've saved my favorite for last. 

Kim, I think you are too freaking funny.  Your a duh kind of funny!  You know what I mean? No? That's okay.  Same as Khloe' I've only seen you on the Miami show.  I won't bring up the sex tape thing.. oops.. doesn't matter I haven't seen it nor do I want to.

I really didn't follow you when you were married for like 3 days or something like that. Of course it was all over the news.  I didn't pay much attention to it though, I don't really give a bull-spit about it. 

So, I hear you are pregnant now.  Wow, congrats! 

Hope you carry in the front if you know what I mean? No? That's okay sweetie, it will all even out.

Hope this letter finds you all well, 

Fan #2,341,451
Oh shit who am I kidding, I'm not really a fan! 

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  

Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

Baking in a Tornado

Peanut Layne

Menopausal Mother

Sadder But Wiser Girl

Evil Joy Speaks

The Black Sheep Mom

Home on Deranged

Victoria Rose Vintage

Dates 2 Diapers

My Life as Lucille

Thanks for reading,

Weekend Funnies


  1. You know what? I have never seen that show unless you count when it's been on at the gym. I'm just not interested! I'm glad to know I'm one of two people who don't watch it.

    PS-I always think they're saying "Keeping Up With The Cardassians" ala Star Trek Deep Space Nine. Now I'd watch THAT! But I'm a great big nerd.

  2. I laughed from beginning to end. You sure do know how to entertain. Maybe you should have your own show: Bad Word Mama critiques Hollywood. I'd watch!

    1. Thanks Karen - hmm something to think about. LOL

  3. I have never seen the show but my daughter loves it and tells me things about it--sounds like you summed up this dysfunctional family PERFECTLY! I'm thinking after reading this, you should move to Hollywood and write the scripts for these wacko women!!!

    1. LMAO!! Yah, I'll get right on that. Hmm. maybe like a Tosh.O? Love that show

  4. Welcome to the swap! This was hilarious. I especially like you asking Kim if she's carrying in the front. I don't think I've ever watched their show, but I can't believe how they are everywhere else on TV. What are they famous for again?

    1. To be honest. I have NO idea why they are famous! I heard it was because of Kim's sex video. I can make one of those and be famous too. ;)

  5. Oh my word, this post makes me happy! I can't stand the Kardashians and I make fun of them every single chance I get! I've never actually been able to sit through an entire show because it sucks that bad, but i'm dying laughing over your comments. LOVE!

  6. This makes me laugh! I don't follow them either but I do get sucked in once in a while - and I too wonder what the hell Scott does!!! I sort of like Khloe just because she's sort of the most 'normal' if we could go that far...ummm. nope. Just because she's the least stange!!!! Have a great day and awesome response to the SS prompt!!!

    1. I think Khole is the most normal out of the bunch.

  7. I wouldnt know a kardashian if I hit one with my car. I feel like I have an update now. I love the idea of the SS. I will check out the rest!

    1. If you want to participate in the swap. Get a hold of Karen @ Baking in a Tornado. She's the ring leader. Her link is in my post at the top. Thanks for reading!

  8. You should totally follow Karen's idea to be on TV critiquing so-called pseudo celebrities. Even though I don't watch any of their shows, I know who all of them are as well. You can't avoid them. They're freakin' everywhere. But I do love when The Soup occasionally includes them. Thanks for the roundup, cuz I wasn't sure what Rob did. :)

    1. I still don't know what Rob does. LOL.. no one can seem to answer that question. Inquiring minds want to know!
      Okay, maybe not so much inquiring but one of those unsolved mysteries.

  9. I absolutely DESPISE that whole mother effing clan. Seriously, I just wish they'd disappear......*sigh* I'll never get that wish. Maybe we should all pitch in and buy an island and ship them, the Lohan's, and the Hilton's off to it.

    1. Quite a plan you have there. Except. I don't wanna give them any of my money!! LOL.. I like the island idea tho.

  10. Ummm....I've never seen the show, don't know any of the characters, and based on your "fan letter", I'd just as soon keep it that way.

    Thanks, you have performed a valuable public service. :)


    1. Haha! God, I wish I could say the same. People like them is why I keep my tv off most of the time. :)

  11. That's the kind of "fan" mail they'd get from me! You did a beautiful job with this one. And I love that you called Kim "sweetie." ha! I bet she'd hate that ;)

  12. C'mon y'all! Don't be so hard on the pseudo-celebs! I hope to be one some day.

    Loved this post, E. Funny and accurate. I have to admit, i used to watch the show when they'd have marathons. And you're right: Khloe is by far the most level-headed one of the bunch, and even if she is a little sasquatch-like, I think she's the perttiest, too. One thing that has bothered me from jump is how all their names have to be spelled with a "K" b/c of "Kardashian." Even Bruce's two girls Kindle and Kylie have "K" names, and they're not Kardashians. Shouldn't it be Jindle and Jylie Jenner? This is how I know Kris wears the pants and controls the botox in that relationship. So sad.

    Once again, well done!! I'm excited to participate in the next one!!

    1. Yeah, I don't like the "K" thing either. I'm so excited you'll be doing it soon!!!! You're gonna rock it.

  13. One of the kids asked me the other day how the Kardashians became famous; are they actresses? Why do they get their own show? Uh, not sure how to answer that kiddo. I'm not sure talent has much to do with it! I can't stand hearing constantly about Kim's pregnancy, as if she's the first woman to ever carry a baby. Puh-lease. It's a train wreck waiting to happen.
    So glad you joined the swap, you nailed it!

  14. This is a brilliant idea for a post! I bash the Kardashians all the time on my blog, but never thought of actually writing a letter to them. Of course, I would have to write one to each of them individually, as I have a lot to say.

    I think to Bruce, I would say something similar to what you said, which is simply "What the frick did you do to your face?"

    If you want more Kardashian bashing (who doesn't), here's a link to a post I wrote when Kim and Chris Humphries broke up. It's a humor post about who she should date. Oddly enough, Kayne West wasn't on my list!

  15. Alright. Here it is. I'm in LOVE with you, Bad Word Mama!!! You took this prompt and rocked it! It was hilarious! To be honest, I don't watch any reality tv. I've watched the Kardashians like 2 times ever. So it was awesome that you got me all caught up to date. The Bruce part was my favorite. Thanks for the mention. I'm pimping this post all over town. xoxoxo


    1. Awe, Lucy that's so sweet of you. I'm so glad you liked it. I was really worried when I got the prompt, I didn't feel like I had enough knowledge to do it properly. Bruce's part was my favorite to write. I've only seen him once on the show and when I did. I was like "WTF is that thing with hair?" Thanks for pimping me out..I've been too freaking tired to whore myself out this weekend. :) I'll def return the favor!!!

  16. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! hold on... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That was hilariously great!!! Thank you soo much for sharing this at the Show off Blog Party :). I think I watched a few episodes and got bored. However, I do LOVE Khloe. She is funny!!! Please stop by again and party with us next week :)

    The Wondering Brain

  17. Great job Ellen, you pinned the tail on yhe donkeys! Seems like most of us don't watch the Kardashians. It's a wonder they still have a show.


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