Tales from the Trailer Park Chapter 5: "You Little Asshole"

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I wanted to dedicate a chapter about each of my parents. Today I'm starting with my Mom.  Her name was Honor and she was an older mom.  She had me when she was 39 years old and my sister 18 months later.  We were her only children.  I thought because she was an older mom she wouldn't entertain us the way I thought a mom should.  Come to find out, now that I'm a mother it's just a pain in the ass to try to entertain your kids all day long.   I wanted to share with you all the silly and disturbing things I used to do to my Mom while I was a youngster.  I titled this post "You Little Asshole," because that was the phrase I would hear often after I pulled my "stunts."

Okay,

Does anyone remember those outfits that were made of terry cloth and came in all sorts of pastel colors?  Oh and they were also strapless?  If not then the picture below is exactly what I'm talking about.

My mom detested bra's, she worn them when she absolutely had to, like work and going to the store.  But, as soon as she got home she would rip off that sucker and pull on one of these fabulous outfits.

Remember when I told you about the fence that I used to climb trying to get to the tree?  Well, that same fence separated our yard from our neighbor's yard.  The neighbor was also my mom's boss.  Anyway, whenever she would pull herself outside the smoke filled house and off the couch she would be outside standing by the fence talking to boss lady.  She was more than Mom's boss she was also really good friends with her.

When I felt there was just nothing else to do with my pitiful life, I would annoy my mom and I also looked for any reason to get a laugh, even if it was at the expense of another.

I'm sure I whined to mom those two horrible, eye scratching words to her during my childhood. "I'm bored!" But, when she yelled at me for the gazillionth time to go play I would go to my stand by for entertainment.

Picture it.....
Mom standing at the fence in her towel like outfit with a cigarette in her hand talking away to boss lady.
I would come up behind her and swoosh...

Down goes the outfit and hello mom boobs.

I didn't only do this when she was talking to boss lady, sometimes boss lady's husband was there too.
Of course I got many, many belly laughs from doing that.  Obviously not from my Mom, but who cares a laugh is a laugh right?

She would pull herself back together and turn around,
"Ellen, dammit to hell!  You little asshole!" she would scream at me.
If I were close by she would have tried to grab me, but I'm not that stupid.
I knew damn well Mom didn't run, so as soon as I did my deed I would run out of her reach.
I can't even count how many times I did that to her over the years.  You would think she would stop wearing those crazy looking things.


Ahh, good times..

Every once and a while Mom would come outside and just sit down on the front porch.  Mind you I called it a porch but technically it was just a concrete slab that butted up to the front of the house.  There was an awening that covered it at one point. Well, until the tornado ripped it off, but that's another story I will leave to tell you about my Dad.

She would sit there in her outfit and yes a cigarette in her hand and watch us do our gymnastic in the yard.  One time we bugged her so damn much to do a cartwheel for us.  We only did this to entertain ourselves. Damn straight, we thought it would be funny as hell to see our "old" mom doing a cartwheel in the front yard.
She did. Once. We laughed.

She was terrified of snakes!  I mean kick your ass to get out of a 1 mile vicinity of a snake.
Some how we got our hands on a fake black snake.  Yep we did what you're thinking.  She's sitting on the porch in a beach chair the one's that fold down and hard as hell to get out of.  I came up behind her and threw that sucker right around her neck.

I'm laughing now thinking about it.  She freaked the hell out!  She wiggled and waggled to get away and then managed to make the legs of her beach chair go up and she fell to the ground with the fake snake around her neck.
I thought for sure I would be in deep shit for that stunt, although I thought it was definitely worth it.

She yelled for a minute and then went back to smoking.

God, I miss my mom.  She really was able to give me so many laughs!
I hope I'm able to give my children all the ammunition they need to laugh with and about me.

Thanks for reading.

xoxo

I think I'll call her nipples

We had nothing planned to do on a boring Sunday afternoon, so we decided to go a few towns over and visit something called a "Splash Pad."

It's not a very big area, but it's a free and cute little place for the kids to go cool off and play.  Didn't realize that the parents can actually strip down to their bathing suit and cool off too.
What I like most about it is that it's right by the river.  I love hanging out by the river and watching the dolphins play.

Anyway, Chris and I are sitting on our little bench watching the kids play and have fun.  Well, because I can't sit there and watch my kids every move I have to watch other kids and parents.

There are a few things that I witnessed that I shook my head at.

First thing I noticed was this dad playing with his little girl. She was probably 5 or 6 years old.  So, I couldn't help but to watch him play with her.  It was cute how much he played with her.  It made me smile for about 2 minutes.  Then, I couldn't help but think, why the hell is he playing with her so much?  My first thought was he must be a single dad and only has her for the weekend.  That's cool.  But, what aggravated me was that she clearly wanted to play with other kids.  Every time she would walk or run away from dad and try to play with another kid, he would call her back.   What the hell?  He did this the whole time!  I wanted to yell to him. "Yo jack-ass why don't you let your kid play with someone her own age, and go put a damn shirt on will ya?"   But, of course Chris frowned upon it so I had to keep my mouth shut.

I was so aggravated by watching this I turned my attention to a mom who came in with 2 kids in tow.  One kid was probably around one, and the other I would say 7 or 8. Mom had on a black and white bikini, she looked cute, well that's until her nipple popped out of her bathing suit!

Wouldn't you know I missed the show!  Chris filled me in though, he caught the whole thing.  She was cooling off under one of the sprinkler things and rubbing her body seductively and all of a sudden she pulled down one side of her bikini top and showed me her nipple.  That's the story Chris told me anyway.  I think it made him feel good about himself, so I let him think that she showed him her nipple.
I even pretended to be mad about it, "That whore, I'm gonna go say something to her."
He called my bluff.

So, same lady after she did her strip tease for Chris she picked up her toddler and pulled off his diaper and put him under one of the sprinkler things too.  I had no problem with that, well until her older child decided, since his little brother was naked he should be too.  He ripped off his swim trunks and started running around naked!  Andrew came up to me letting me know there was a naked little boy running around.  Thank god nipples saw right away and made him get dressed again.  I wondered what it's like at their house?  Is it okay for them to all just be naked all the time?  Maybe they have "naked Sunday's"  and they forgot they were out in public and us regular folks prefer other to keep their clothes on!

Is it bad that I noticed that my 3 year old is more of a "man" that the bigger kid is?

Okay, so that was my Sunday afternoon well at least about 2 hours of it.

P.S.
Chris took these pictures and it doesn't show the whole park.

Thanks for reading,
xoxo

Tales from the Trailer Park Chapter 3: Jesus or a Peanut Picker?

There are a few paranormal incidences that I have happened to me during my childhood before I even knew what paranormal meant. Including de ja vu.

The first thing that happened was the day that Jesus came to visit me.  I know you’re thinking I’m a fucking liar who the shit are you that Jesus would visit me.  Well, you’re wrong, I’m not a liar and you’re right, why in the hell would he visit me.  I will tell you the story and if you have any ideas, please feel free to contact me and fill me in.  Because to this day, many years later after the experience I can remember it very clearly.  I remember my thoughts and my feelings I had at that moment.

My older niece Katie was living with us at the time, she was I would guess around 15 years old at the time.  My Mom worked at a jiffy store in our town.  She worked there for as long as I could remember.  Our neighbor, the one with the cool tree was the Manager of that store and also my Mom’s boss.  My Dad wasn't working and we only had one car, he used to drive her to work every morning, she had to be there at 6am. And he would help her set up for the day.  At this time we had an above ground swimming pool in our backyard. I told you, we were like the freaking Hilton's!  Attached to the swimming pool was a big wooden deck built by my Dad and my brother.  Part of the deck was 3 foot higher than the rest, we considered that our diving board.  We decided that when dad left to bring mom to work we would slip outside and go swimming.  I remember that we were excited to do this because we had never been swimming so early in the morning.  So, Shawn, Katie and myself got ready and headed outside to go swimming.  We had fun, running and jumping off the diving board and playing games that all kids play while swimming.  You know, that stupid Marco Polo game!  Shit, I hated that game, I never won!  Anyway, we had been swimming for about an hour and I got out of the pool to jump off the diving board.  I remember looking down and seeing Shawn and Katie in the pool and I had clearance to jump.  Right before I jumped I looked to the right out into the huge field that was directly behind our house.  We had a chain linked fence that wrapped around the whole backyard.  The field behind the house had been many things over the years, so my mom had told me.  Peanut and watermelon fields were just a couple. At this time I don’t know if there was anything growing in the field, but the grass was very short and not over grown and no trees.  Anyway, I remember looking right and seeing a man standing in the field.  I’m getting goose bumps right now just thinking and writing it all down.  The man was wearing a white robe like cloth and had a long brown beard and long brown hair.
 I felt like I stood there and stared at him for an hour.

I couldn't look away.  Looking back now, I didn't think it was Jesus then, I had no idea who it was.  I was  thinking who the hell is that man.  He never moved, he never said a word that I could hear, plus he was farther away and I wouldn't have been able to hear him anyway.  I snapped out of our staring contest and I jumped in the pool.  I stayed underwater, I was scared and freaked out, I didn't want to come up and see him again.  I thought it was weird that a guy was standing in a vacant field watching children play in a pool.  I eventually started to feel my lungs burning for oxygen and came up for air.  I looked in the direction of where the man was standing and he was gone.  I remember asking Katie if he had seen the man and she said no.  I can’t remember exactly how old I was, but  I know it was somewhere between 8 and 10 years old.  So, that was the story of when I Jesus came to visit me.  As I've gotten older I've come up with a few ideas of why Jesus came to visit us that day.  My first thought was, he was coming to tell us that the demon that was living in the trailer next door was officially gone, we scared that bastard away with our tampon grenades we through in there.  And, the second thing I thought was actually more serious.  Maybe he was looking after us, he was making sure we stayed safe that day swimming with out and adult being home.  Or, maybe it was some fucked up homeless guy looking for peanuts.  Who the shit knows.  What do you think?


Thanks for reading,

xoxo


Stay tuned, next week for a little more paranormal activity

Keep your mouth off my....

Everyone has the best ideas or thinks of something that they saw or heard and it comes back to haunt you in the shower.  Welcome to "Musings from the Shower."  hosted by Penny at Mom Rants and Comfy Pants.
I love this lady!  If you haven't read her stuff, you need to head over there after you read this!

 For some reason I was thinking of this commercial while in the shower.

And I thought, what the hell is up with this commercial.  Is it supposed to be funny? Sexy?

Then I started thinking about what I would change about this commercial to make it "Ellen Funny".
What's "Ellen funny"?
Well, I think things are funny when someone is trying to be sexy and it just goes all wrong.

Watch the video above and then read what I would change about this commercial to make it funny.


NEW SCENE:

I would keep the beginning the same, sexy lady walks in and not so sexy man is moaning over a Hot Pocket.  She walks up looking sultry and she opens her mouth to take a bite.

We all know that biting down on a Hot Pocket is like putting your mouth in hot freaking lava!
A long stringy melted cheese is stuck to your chin, while you have a mouthful of steaming nasty ass sauce.

Okay, now picture the lady above in that scene, she's got her mouth open wide and shaking her head like a rabid dog trying to cool off the putrid snack inside her mouth.
She's making inaudible noises, shrieks and is panting as she's trying to free the toxin she put in her mouth.
Drool makes it's way out and it now joined with the melted cheese that is dangling from her chin.

Finally, with one last shake of her pretty little head, the spit soaked food flies out of her mouth and lands on the not so sexy guy's foot.

The man looks up from spit shit on his shoe and says;
"That's what you get dumb ass, keep your nasty mouth off my Hot Pocket!"

Now, that shit is funny!

Do you think if I submitted this new scene to the Hot Pocket people they would like it?
I tried to talk Chris into making this commercial  but he declined.

I want to thank Penny at Mom Rants and Comfy Pants for allowing me to be a guest blogger at her awesomely funny blog!

Thanks for reading,

xoxo

Did you know?...

I was just sitting here trying not to pay attention to the 2 crazy ass toddlers running around my living room acting like cats, and these two words jumped in my brain "useless information."  So I thought, maybe that would be a good post.  Well, it was either that or the conversation that Chris and I had about blue balls. I chose the first option, even though the second is considered useless information to you, and to be frank it's useless to me too.  Anyway, I Googled "useless information" and there are a shit ton of websites dedicated to this topic.  Before you google it yourself, most of all these website had all the same information.  So, I chose 9 to share with you today. I added one of my own, not sure if it's a fact, but I find it interesting.



Did you know....


While having sex you burn 360 calories per hour.  Wow! Can someone please do the math and tell me how much you burn in 3.5 minutes? (uselessfacts.net)

The average person spends 6 months of their life sitting at red lights.  I like this fact actually, because I hate sitting at red lights.  I get super annoyed, and now I have good reason, the fucking thing is sucking the life out of me!!  (uselessfacts.net)

Men can read smaller print than women, women can hear better.  I'm really not sure about the reading part, but the hearing part, I call BULLSHIT, I think they are just better at tuning out women and children. (dbmproaudio.com/facts.html)

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.  Holy shit, who would have thought, make sure you let your friends know to never to do this.  Also, how the hell did they find out this fact? Are there scientist just injecting people or animals with random spices?  (dbmproaudio.com/facts.html)


If  you mouth the word "colorful" to someone, it looks like you're saying "I love you."  I didn't know that about the word "colorful" I did know about "olive juice."  I wonder how many more look like "I love you?"  Do you think my daughter will think it's fun if I ask her to sit down with me while I move my mouth saying random shit and she can tell me what she thinks I'm saying? Actually, she probably would, but now it sounds boring. Although, what words could look like "fuck you" with out saying fuck you?  Hmm..  (thechive.com)

When a person cries and the first drop of tears come from the right eye, it's happiness, when it's from the left, it's pain.   I find this kind of cool. I had no idea and I will definitely be testing this theory out.
Now, how will I remember this, with out screwing up which eye meant what?   (thechive.com)

Vanilla comes from the Latin word "vagina."    Umm.. really! That's kind of gross.  Now, every time I eat anything with vanilla, I will think of this and since my brain likes to picture everything, I will see vagina. Damn you people with this fact!
 (thechive.com)

Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy and Scooby-Doo.  I knew he was Shaggy's voice but I didn't know it was Scooby's voice too.  If any of you are reading this wondering who Casey Kasem is.. SCREW YOU!  For making me feel old.  





Most lipstick contains fish scales.  Interesting, I like to make fun of my last name and call myself "Fish lips." But, now it has a whole new meaning.  (http://freepages.misc.rootsweb.ancestry.com/~kelmar/story3.htm)



That some people can't keep their feet flat on the floor while pooping.  How did I know that?  Well, I actually thought about that a long time ago and I took a poll and they would report back to me after they did their business to let me know if they could poop with their feet flat on the floor.  I have no numbers to support this useless information, just know that I giggled every time someone said the word "poop."  The only thing that sucks about sharing this information that you will probably be thinking of me the next time you're on the pot!  (this one is mine)



So, did you learn anything from this useless information?  I did. Not that I will remember any of them tomorrow.  Actually, I forgot a few already.

Thanks for reading,
xoxo


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