As Seen on T.V products my kids think I need...

It really does annoy the crap out of me when the kids are watching T.V in the other room and yell out for me:
"Mommy, come here hurry,  Oh my god Mommy, HURRY!!"   I get my bony ass up off my couch and run in the other room, expecting to see a fire or the other one laying on the ground who needs medical attention.
I get there and one of them is sitting there pointing at the T.V,  "Mommy, I have to have this!"
Yep, they called me into the room to show me the newest piece of shit toy they think they need!
While that is really aggravating, what really makes me what to throw the T.V out of our rented window is when they see shit on T.V they think I need.

Here is the newest one, that both my kids think it's the best thing ever.

I'm sure you've seen this thing floating around on your air waves.  My daughter who is 9 and very vain already, wants this really bad.  My son says it will make me pretty.
Me:   Listen guys, that thing is stupid, it looks like it just messes your air up in little sections at a time. 
Andrew:  No, No Mama, it works like a tornado!  It's like magic, I think you will look pretty. 




This one just grosses me out.  Most people who know me know that I don't like to see or talk about bodily fluids or any sticky nasty shit that comes out of a person or animal.

Why the hell would this lady actually be smiling while sucking who knows what out of her ear.
Andrew:  Oh Mama, we have to get that!
Me:  Why do you think we need that?
Andrew:  To get the potatoes out of my ears.  Do you have potatoes in your ears too.
<Gag> <Gag>   I may have mentioned to Andrew that his ears look so dirty that he has potatoes growing out of them.  He doesn't find it as nasty as I do.    After you clean your ears with this thing, who the hell is supposed to clean it out.  I really feel my stomach turning just thinking about it.  I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to put any type of vacuum in your ear.



Here's another one they think I need!   I'm not stupid, I get what they are trying to do, they say I need it because they want it.

Emilie:   Mommy, look at this!  You will never have to buy ice cream again.  
Me:  I don't buy ice cream in the first place, Daddy buys the ice cream.  I think you guys eat too much ice cream. 
Emilie:  I will shake it all myself, it will work out my arms and they will get stronger.
Me:  Yes, they will, because what about the Slushy Magic thing that Santa got you?  
Emilie:  That thing is horrible, you have to shake it for so long, it doesn't work right. 
Me:   Really?  Well, what the hell do you think this thing is?  
Emilie:  It's not the same, because it comes with a special cup inside. 
I told her that I would think about it, she knows damn well what that means.
HELL NO!

My son thinks that a spinning mop is awesome.  I think he thinks that it spins by itself while mopping or something.  But, he looked like he damn near shit his pants when he saw this on T.V.

He actually cried when I told him that I didn't need it and I wasn't going to buy it.
He argued with me that he would use it, to clean the floors with it when he spilled stuff on it.

Both of my kids think I should get this one. The Whisper.

Me:  Why in the hell do I need that?  It's for old people.
Em:   It's not only for old people Mommy!
Andrew:  So you can hear us better.
Em:  Yeah, sometimes when we talk to you, you can't hear us and then we have to talk louder.
Me:  Just so you know, I can hear you when you talk to me, I choose not to listen.  Cause you guys talk all the time.  Why don't you get it for Daddy? I don't think he can hear you guys very well when you talk.  (Ha,Ha)


Even though it drives me insane to have these conversation about these dumb products that I don't need. It makes me feel kind of good that they actually think of me instead of everything that they want.



Thanks for reading

xoxo






P.S.
I did not get paid for writing about any of these products nor did I buy any of them!

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

How many of you lie to your children?

Well, I do.. and I do it damn near everyday.  I'm not proud, it's just something I have to do.  I have to do it for many reasons.  My daughter who is 9 years old likes to lie to me about stupid things.  She never used to lie, she was the most honest person I've ever met.  She's hitting that age, where she doesn't like to do certain things, so when I ask her about it she will lie. My 3 year old is learning from his sister now!

Here are some of the lies I will tell my children, to either get them to do what they need to do, or to shut the hell up!



Chuck E. Cheese is not open on Saturday or Sunday 

McDonald's is out of French Fries today. 

Uh-Oh, I hope lightning won't strike you.

Mommy doesn't have any money today.

Sure, we can go toy shopping on Tuesday.  (This is said to my son who only knows one day of the week, but doesn't actually know when it is Tuesday)

Spiderman loves to eat vegetables

Your teacher sent me an email  __________ (I fill in the blank with whatever fits at that time.)

If you drink too much soda, you won't grow up to be big like Mommy and Daddy.

If you swear on Mom-Mom's grave and you lie that means she will be taken from Heaven and brought to Hell.  Do you want that?  (Mom-Mom is my mom who died 2 years ago)

No you may not come outside while Mommy smokes, there are huge bugs out here.

You will make Mommy's heart break if you lie.

Your eyes turn black when you tell a lie, and I'm the only one who can see it. 

Well, of course I have eyes in the back of my head.  If you try to look for them, they disappear. 
(I tell you what, that one works big time. Even my daughter believes me)

If you don't brush your teeth, the Tooth Fairy won't come. She only likes clean teeth.

If you don't take a bath two things will happen:  1.  No one will want to be your friend, because you will stink.  2. Worms will come out of your butt.

These are just a few I use, I make them up as I go.

My kids are young enough that they believe all the lies I tell them.  And, I'm old enough to know which one's to tell them that will get them to tell me the truth.  Yes, most of the time the truth comes out in tears. But, it gets the damn job done!!
I've tried to do the nice Mom conversation with them.

In the best June Cleaver voice I could muster up.

"Honey, you know it's not nice to lie, no one likes someone who lies.  You must tell the truth all the time.  You will get in trouble more if you lie, than if you just tell me the truth.

Yeah, that shit only lasted during that conversation.  Then the next day this happens:

Emilie getting ready for school

"Emilie, your socks looks filthy, did you put on new socks?"
"Yep, I did."  she answers confidently while avoiding eye contact.
"Really?  Those are clean socks?"
I give her the mom knows all look.
"Yep, their clean."  she's sticking to her story.
"Okay, well don't come crying to me, when your teacher locks you in the closet today because your stinky ass feet are annoying your classmates."
"She won't do that." Emilie trying to call my bluff.
"Oh yes she will, she sent me an email telling me the new rule, I didn't tell you cause I thought you wear clean socks everyday." I keep a straight face.
"Umm, Umm."  she stutters while I see her eyes fill up with tears.
"Get your butt back in that room and find some clean socks."
Up and off she goes

Mama always knows!!


What lies do you tell your children?  I can always use some new ones.  And feel free to use any of mine.  We need to stick together!!

Thanks for reading

xoxo

Too late to Dream Big?

I have had a rough time this week thinking of a blog post.  I just didn't feel like writing anything.  I hardly got online all weekend.  I've been catching up on my staring at the wall and thinking.  What was I thinking about?

Nothing and every thing, I'm not sure if everyone is like this but I can sit and just stare and let things enter my mind.  All that shit, nothing came to mind to write about.  Until this morning while in the shower, not even sure how this entered my mind, but I thought about when I was young and what I wanted to be when I grew up.  Most children have crazy dreams about what they want to be.  I can remember the very first thing I wanted to be was an astronaut.  I've always been fascinated with stars and space.  I changed my mind about being an astronaut when I watched some movie and it showed the astronauts in the shuttle and they were being jerked around like something fierce   Well, that scared the shit out of me and changed my mind and begged my parents for a telescope, which I never got and still don't have one to this day.  Then, I wanted to be a cosmetologist, until I realized I would have to stand up on my feet for hours at a time.  Not a fan of standing. So then, I chose a secretary.  I could sit down all day and be a paper pusher and use my organizing skills.  So, that's what I did. I became a secretary, actually we like to be called an Administrative
Assistant.  I really did enjoy it.  I'm now a stay at home mom for one more year, I will enter the administrative world when my son turns 5 and goes to school.  So with all that being said, I think about what my life would have been like if I never had children.  I'm sure we all think about this.  Where would I be, what would I be doing?  This is the daydreaming I like to do, I could sit for hours picturing what my "single" life would be like.

This would be mine...
First, I would have done much better in High School and actually went to College.  Not a stupid little tech school but a real University.  I have no idea what I would have majored

The open road to everywhere

in, that really isn't important for my dream. I have always enjoyed photography.   After college, I would have got in the car and drove with no destination in mind.  I would work here and there to make money and then move on. Eventually, I would come to the end of the road and hopped on a cruise ship and worked my way across an ocean, doesn't matter which ocean.  I would go and do anything I wanted.  Met many, many different kinds of people.  Learned something new in every new place I visited.  No real responsibilities,  no one to answer to than myself. Depending on no one!!  I would eventually live the rest of my life near a coast, just like before, I don't care what coast just somewhere where the breeze is constant and the sun shines everyday.  Even though it sounds so relaxing and exciting to me, I think I would find myself lonely.  I'm not saying I wouldn't eventually settle down with an Australian hottie, but I would have probably been too old to have children.

My Australian hottie on our beach

Sometimes, when I talk to my daughter about her future, I try to stress to her how very important a good education is.  Even now in the 3rd grade!  I don't push her, I just try to show her with pictures and stories of what kind of life she could have.  She can do anything she wants to do. I also stress to her that getting married and having children are not a priority in life.  Just because Mommy did does not mean she has to.
"Do what you want to do, and don't worry about everyone else."
I pound that sentence in her head whenever we have this conversation 

With all that being said, I do not regret having my children, I would gladly give both boobs and my right arm for either of them.  They are my life!

That's me and my Aussie lover down there in the water. 

Why didn't I dream like this before it was too late?  Fuck if I know!  I grew up with 2 regular blue collared parents and didn't have those conversations with them.  I don't think I knew any better. I don't think they dreamed, because if they did I'm sure one of them would have had this conversation with me. You think? holy shit, maybe they were just too lazy to talk to me about this! Maybe, they thought I was smart enough to know that I could do anything. Well, they were wrong!!! Well, I'm not going to make that assumption with my kids. Who knows if they will be smart enough, so I'm covering all bases.

Pacific Ocean

Although, when I worked I did make more money than my parents ever did, but it's no where near enough to show my children or even myself the world. It makes me kind of sad to sit here in my tiny apartment and picture the Eiffel Tower or even the Pacific Ocean.  I will probably never see those places and many more I would love to
see, unless I win the lottery.  I don't consider myself a pessimist  I'm a realist.  Even though every time I play the lottery deep down I feel like I'm the winner.  Until they announce the numbers that I do not have on my ticket.

I want my children to dream and dream BIG, and to know that nothing is impossible!

What did you want to be when you grew up?  Are you that person? Did YOU dream big??



Thanks for reading

xoxo

Did you know?...

I was just sitting here trying not to pay attention to the 2 crazy ass toddlers running around my living room acting like cats, and these two words jumped in my brain "useless information."  So I thought, maybe that would be a good post.  Well, it was either that or the conversation that Chris and I had about blue balls. I chose the first option, even though the second is considered useless information to you, and to be frank it's useless to me too.  Anyway, I Googled "useless information" and there are a shit ton of websites dedicated to this topic.  Before you google it yourself, most of all these website had all the same information.  So, I chose 9 to share with you today. I added one of my own, not sure if it's a fact, but I find it interesting.



Did you know....


While having sex you burn 360 calories per hour.  Wow! Can someone please do the math and tell me how much you burn in 3.5 minutes? (uselessfacts.net)

The average person spends 6 months of their life sitting at red lights.  I like this fact actually, because I hate sitting at red lights.  I get super annoyed, and now I have good reason, the fucking thing is sucking the life out of me!!  (uselessfacts.net)

Men can read smaller print than women, women can hear better.  I'm really not sure about the reading part, but the hearing part, I call BULLSHIT, I think they are just better at tuning out women and children. (dbmproaudio.com/facts.html)

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.  Holy shit, who would have thought, make sure you let your friends know to never to do this.  Also, how the hell did they find out this fact? Are there scientist just injecting people or animals with random spices?  (dbmproaudio.com/facts.html)


If  you mouth the word "colorful" to someone, it looks like you're saying "I love you."  I didn't know that about the word "colorful" I did know about "olive juice."  I wonder how many more look like "I love you?"  Do you think my daughter will think it's fun if I ask her to sit down with me while I move my mouth saying random shit and she can tell me what she thinks I'm saying? Actually, she probably would, but now it sounds boring. Although, what words could look like "fuck you" with out saying fuck you?  Hmm..  (thechive.com)

When a person cries and the first drop of tears come from the right eye, it's happiness, when it's from the left, it's pain.   I find this kind of cool. I had no idea and I will definitely be testing this theory out.
Now, how will I remember this, with out screwing up which eye meant what?   (thechive.com)

Vanilla comes from the Latin word "vagina."    Umm.. really! That's kind of gross.  Now, every time I eat anything with vanilla, I will think of this and since my brain likes to picture everything, I will see vagina. Damn you people with this fact!
 (thechive.com)

Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy and Scooby-Doo.  I knew he was Shaggy's voice but I didn't know it was Scooby's voice too.  If any of you are reading this wondering who Casey Kasem is.. SCREW YOU!  For making me feel old.  





Most lipstick contains fish scales.  Interesting, I like to make fun of my last name and call myself "Fish lips." But, now it has a whole new meaning.  (http://freepages.misc.rootsweb.ancestry.com/~kelmar/story3.htm)



That some people can't keep their feet flat on the floor while pooping.  How did I know that?  Well, I actually thought about that a long time ago and I took a poll and they would report back to me after they did their business to let me know if they could poop with their feet flat on the floor.  I have no numbers to support this useless information, just know that I giggled every time someone said the word "poop."  The only thing that sucks about sharing this information that you will probably be thinking of me the next time you're on the pot!  (this one is mine)



So, did you learn anything from this useless information?  I did. Not that I will remember any of them tomorrow.  Actually, I forgot a few already.

Thanks for reading,
xoxo


.

Entertainment news that you simply can not live with out!

This week has been pretty slow here in my hood, nothing much to report.  Oh, I forgot, one thing happened, CSI was here yesterday. They were in the apartment of the guy who wears his pants too low. I thought maybe he died.. well this is how I pictured it in my head. He realized he was burning his microwave popcorn and got up too fast and his pants were down so damn low he tripped and fell and smacked his head on the coffee table.  Turns out no one died, but they did leave with a few bags of evidence. So, I thought I would take a look at what's going on with celebrities. Maybe I could find some juicy gossip there.

Here are some I found...

This just goes to show you that the Kardashians will make entertainment news for just about anything.

Good God what will they consider news next?  Kourtney has her dingle berries removed by a professional. 

Okay, next is an event that celebrities attended on Monday it had something to do with Punk Rock. I've looked at many of the pics, but the one with Nicole Richie kind of scared the shit out of me.  What the hell has she turned into?  An old black lady? Is her skin normally that tan?  And, I didn't realize that grey hair was considered punk rock. I guess I'm am just out of touch with fashion.  If you want to read the whole article plus a video of Nichole click HERE. (Yes, I do know that Nichole's father is black)

I'm not a fan of Myley Cyrus, but her hair looks rock on!!

Because, this is something that really should be news worthy. 

Looks like Jessica Alba had a "Nip Slip"

Where the hell are all the camera's when my shit plops out of my shirt when I forgot to put on a bra?

I seriously can not believe that these celebrities get stalked so much that someone actually got a shot of this!

Holy Shit, there were 2 nip slips this week?  This must be a new trend with the celeb's that I've been doing for the past 3 years. Damnit ya'll are so behind in the times!!

Olivia Munn

I will be the first to admit, I know NOTHING about the show "Honey Boo Boo."  I haven't watched even one single episode.  To be quite honest a few months ago, I kept seeing that name all over the internet including Facebook.  I thought to myself, "What the fuck is a Honey Boo Boo."  So I Googled it, all I really wanted to know what that name meant. So I found what I was looking for, not impressed and got on with my day.  So, I saw this on the "news" this morning.  

I didn't read the article, the headline made no sense to me because I'm not familiar with the characters. 

all I thought was.  What.the.fuck.is.that!  That dress is a train wreck!  If you would like to read the article attached to this monstrosity of a dress click HERE 

Lastly, looks like Megan Fox jumps on a trampoline!  Well son of a bitch, if that shit isn't news I don't know what is.  Looks like she will be in the film Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I hope everyone feels up to date now.  I know our lives would not be complete with out knowing all of this important information.  I would like to thank "E!" for providing great celebrity news. 

Thanks for reading and hopefully laughing,

xoxo