Friday, June 21, 2013

Tales from the Trailer Park Chapter 3: Jesus or a Peanut Picker?

There are a few paranormal incidences that I have happened to me during my childhood before I even knew what paranormal meant. Including de ja vu.

The first thing that happened was the day that Jesus came to visit me.  I know you’re thinking I’m a fucking liar who the shit are you that Jesus would visit me.  Well, you’re wrong, I’m not a liar and you’re right, why in the hell would he visit me.  I will tell you the story and if you have any ideas, please feel free to contact me and fill me in.  Because to this day, many years later after the experience I can remember it very clearly.  I remember my thoughts and my feelings I had at that moment.

My older niece Katie was living with us at the time, she was I would guess around 15 years old at the time.  My Mom worked at a jiffy store in our town.  She worked there for as long as I could remember.  Our neighbor, the one with the cool tree was the Manager of that store and also my Mom’s boss.  My Dad wasn't working and we only had one car, he used to drive her to work every morning, she had to be there at 6am. And he would help her set up for the day.  At this time we had an above ground swimming pool in our backyard. I told you, we were like the freaking Hilton's!  Attached to the swimming pool was a big wooden deck built by my Dad and my brother.  Part of the deck was 3 foot higher than the rest, we considered that our diving board.  We decided that when dad left to bring mom to work we would slip outside and go swimming.  I remember that we were excited to do this because we had never been swimming so early in the morning.  So, Shawn, Katie and myself got ready and headed outside to go swimming.  We had fun, running and jumping off the diving board and playing games that all kids play while swimming.  You know, that stupid Marco Polo game!  Shit, I hated that game, I never won!  Anyway, we had been swimming for about an hour and I got out of the pool to jump off the diving board.  I remember looking down and seeing Shawn and Katie in the pool and I had clearance to jump.  Right before I jumped I looked to the right out into the huge field that was directly behind our house.  We had a chain linked fence that wrapped around the whole backyard.  The field behind the house had been many things over the years, so my mom had told me.  Peanut and watermelon fields were just a couple. At this time I don’t know if there was anything growing in the field, but the grass was very short and not over grown and no trees.  Anyway, I remember looking right and seeing a man standing in the field.  I’m getting goose bumps right now just thinking and writing it all down.  The man was wearing a white robe like cloth and had a long brown beard and long brown hair.
 I felt like I stood there and stared at him for an hour.

I couldn't look away.  Looking back now, I didn't think it was Jesus then, I had no idea who it was.  I was  thinking who the hell is that man.  He never moved, he never said a word that I could hear, plus he was farther away and I wouldn't have been able to hear him anyway.  I snapped out of our staring contest and I jumped in the pool.  I stayed underwater, I was scared and freaked out, I didn't want to come up and see him again.  I thought it was weird that a guy was standing in a vacant field watching children play in a pool.  I eventually started to feel my lungs burning for oxygen and came up for air.  I looked in the direction of where the man was standing and he was gone.  I remember asking Katie if he had seen the man and she said no.  I can’t remember exactly how old I was, but  I know it was somewhere between 8 and 10 years old.  So, that was the story of when I Jesus came to visit me.  As I've gotten older I've come up with a few ideas of why Jesus came to visit us that day.  My first thought was, he was coming to tell us that the demon that was living in the trailer next door was officially gone, we scared that bastard away with our tampon grenades we through in there.  And, the second thing I thought was actually more serious.  Maybe he was looking after us, he was making sure we stayed safe that day swimming with out and adult being home.  Or, maybe it was some fucked up homeless guy looking for peanuts.  Who the shit knows.  What do you think?

Thanks for reading,


Stay tuned, next week for a little more paranormal activity

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Keep your mouth off my....

Everyone has the best ideas or thinks of something that they saw or heard and it comes back to haunt you in the shower.  Welcome to "Musings from the Shower."  hosted by Penny at Mom Rants and Comfy Pants.
I love this lady!  If you haven't read her stuff, you need to head over there after you read this!

 For some reason I was thinking of this commercial while in the shower.
And I thought, what the hell is up with this commercial.  Is it supposed to be funny? Sexy?

Then I started thinking about what I would change about this commercial to make it "Ellen Funny".
What's "Ellen funny"?
Well, I think things are funny when someone is trying to be sexy and it just goes all wrong.

Watch the video above and then read what I would change about this commercial to make it funny.


I would keep the beginning the same, sexy lady walks in and not so sexy man is moaning over a Hot Pocket.  She walks up looking sultry and she opens her mouth to take a bite.

We all know that biting down on a Hot Pocket is like putting your mouth in hot freaking lava!
A long stringy melted cheese is stuck to your chin, while you have a mouthful of steaming nasty ass sauce.

Okay, now picture the lady above in that scene, she's got her mouth open wide and shaking her head like a rabid dog trying to cool off the putrid snack inside her mouth.
She's making inaudible noises, shrieks and is panting as she's trying to free the toxin she put in her mouth.
Drool makes it's way out and it now joined with the melted cheese that is dangling from her chin.

Finally, with one last shake of her pretty little head, the spit soaked food flies out of her mouth and lands on the not so sexy guy's foot.

The man looks up from spit shit on his shoe and says;
"That's what you get dumb ass, keep your nasty mouth off my Hot Pocket!"

Now, that shit is funny!

Do you think if I submitted this new scene to the Hot Pocket people they would like it?
I tried to talk Chris into making this commercial  but he declined.

I want to thank Penny at Mom Rants and Comfy Pants for allowing me to be a guest blogger at her awesomely funny blog!

Thanks for reading,


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Musings from the Shower

Hey ya'll you can find me today over at


If you're haven't visited this blog yet, please go NOW!

She is hilarious and she started a new series
Have you ever seen a commercial and thought..
What the hell kind of shit is that?
Yeah, me too..
So I re-wrote one.

Click above or below to read

After you read my guest post go snooping around
and read  her other posts.

If you would like to participate in her new series,
Musings from the Shower
leave a comment and she will get back with you.

Thanks for stopping by and
Chapter 3 - Tales from the Trailer Park
will be posted on Friday.