Friday, March 15, 2013

Hmm, where does this tube go?

I have never liked bodily fluids of any kind.  Even when people blow their nose I get the heeby jeebies!

My sister on the other hand she is a LPN and damn good at it.  Thank God because our Mother was not a fan of going to the doctor for any reason!
Because, I'm such a pussy when it comes to medical stuff, I usually never listened.  My sister would bring my Mom to the doctor so she would get all the correct information.  My Mom would listen she just wouldn't remember.

Anyway, I can't even remember how many damn years ago it was, early 2000's my Mom decided to tell my sister that she needs to go to the doctor cause she's been shitting blood for a good while now.  How long is a good while? Hell if I know, I didn't ask, I put my fingers in my ears and sang as soon as my sis said blood and butt hole!

So, doctor set her up for colonoscopy, my sis took care of all that, it came back that she had rectal/colon cancer, she had a tumor up there the size of a softball and they thought it had been there a good 10 years.
Damn, how long was she shitting blood!

She had to have surgery to have the tumor removed and have a colostomy bag put in.

 I remember my sister telling me and my Mother, her appointment is such and such day she has to drink this stuff before hand and no eating for 24 hours.  "Ellen, you have to bring her to the hospital for the surgery,
 I will be there as soon as I can."  Sis says as she's writing it down.

Mom, lived on her own at this time, my Dad had already passed away so, she depended on me and sis for everything.

I go pick up Mom at her apartment the day of her surgery.  We are on our way to the hospital, not too far from her house.  She must have forgotten which daughter was driving her, she started telling me about how much she shit the night before and how bad it stunk.  "What the hell Mom!, I don't want to hear that shit!"  She would always laugh whenever she grossed me out.  Then she started talking about that she thinks she has to poop again and it feels hard to hold it.  Oh hell fucking no!  "No shitting allowed in the car Mom!  I will seriously throw up if any shit leaks out of your ass onto my seat!"  She started laughing, not sure if she was joking or not, but I did not obey speed limits that day, and we made it to the hospital with clean seats!

Surgery is over and I'm in the recovery room with my Mom, she's still sleeping.  Sis no where in sight yet.  I have to tell you first, I know what a tumor is but, I really didn't know what a colostomy bag was.  Sis may have explained it to me, but with all her medical terms, I didn't know what the fuck she was talking about.

Okay, sitting in the room with sleeping Mom, I get bored and notice all these weird things hanging from her.
"Ooh that looks like a drain of some sort."  I start poking around a little more and for some fucked up reason  I followed a tube like I'm looking for a goody at the end of it. I pull up her gown and see this really red thing on the left side of her abdomen.  "Kind of looks like a big pair of round lips, or a big red butt hole."  I say to myself.  Can't leave well enough alone, I touched it. "Ooh smooshy."

In walks a nurse to do whatever nurses do, and I mentioned all the tubes and doo-hickey's hanging off Mom. Then I lift her gown again and say, "What the heck is this red thing?"
"Oh well that's her stoma."  she answers like I should know what the hell a stoma is.

She explained to me what a stoma is! First thing, I thought was, What the fuck I just touched my Mom's new butt hole!!  I run over to the hand sanitizer station and take a bath in it.

In walks my Sis.  First thing I say is, "Why didn't you tell me, Mom will have a new butt hole on the side of her stomach?"

She starts to laugh " I told you, don't you know what a stoma is Ellen?"

"UMM NO! But I know what one feels like now!"

Then I had to explain how I just played with the red thing under Mom's gown like it was Play-doh!

Oh yeah, she laughed real hard.  Not me though, didn't think it was funny at all.

After that I listened to everything she said about Mom and her condition and I even asked questions when she used her medical jargon!

There you have it, that's the story that haunts me every time I hear the words; Colonoscopy, Colostomy, Stoma and whenever I see someone with big lips wearing red lipstick.

Thanks for reading.

I decided not to add any pictures to this post for obvious reasons.  But, if you don't know what a stoma is Google it!  Actually, I would encourage it. <<hehehe>>

Thank you to Marcia @ Menopausal Mother for our poop conversation that inspired this post. 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Number 8...

Nineteen years ago on August 8th, I was in a really bad car accident.  Thankfully no one was seriously hurt.
(Son of a mother, I can't believe how long ago that was. I feel so fucking old! Damn you Math)

Three months later on the 8th,  me and a couple of other friends were held by gunpoint, also no one hurt.  Although, nightmares for a few months after.  But, not physically hurt.

I'm a person who believes in signs and I notice numbers in my life and I recognize those numbers as signs.
For a few years after those two incidents I was convinced that the number 8 was very unlucky for me.

Ten years or so went by and nothing significant happened that made me feel that number was unlucky, so I forgot about it.  I actually think a few good things happened on the 8th day, but shit if I can remember!

So, you ask what the hell I'm babbling about?  Well, hang on a damn minute and I will tell you.

I've been bestowed the great honor of being awarded the Liebster Award once again. Shit, I'm sorry I'm wrong it's twice.  Twice in one day!  Holy shit!!  I swear you guys are trying to fatten up my ego or something.

So here's where the number 8 comes into play.  After I count the 2 awards I've been given today that will make EIGHT times I've been given this award!

Weird huh?  Yeah, I think so too!

I found this one online. I was tired of looking at the pink one. 

Since this isn't my first rodeo I'm going to skip the 11 facts about myself, because I just told you a big one about myself.

The first person who gave me this award is Dawn from Delectably Dawn I've only recently found her blog and I love it.  Her stories are funny and I fell in love when I saw her post about S'mores Mess Cake!  For the love of gooey marshmallow.. MMM!!  Go check her out!

Here are the questions she wants answered.

1.  What is your favorite children's movie of all time?  Why?
 That would have to be Bambi, and it's not really because of the movie, it's because it was the first movie my Mom took me to see.  I remember looking over at her and she was crying. I love that memory.

2.  Do you work outside of your home? Or are you a SAHM? 
     What is your favorite aspect of your job? 
 I'm a stay at home mom. Well, duh I get to stay home! Just kidding.  I didn't get to stay home with my daughter and I love spending everyday with my son. Even though he drives me crazy some days.

3.  Who is the most inspirational person in your life?
You know, that is a really hard question for me.  I have a few people in my life that inspire me in different ways.

4.  What's your guilty pleasure? 
If you asked me this a couple years ago, I would definitely say T.V.  But now it's reading. I love reading!  I can't go to sleep with out reading.  No wonder I'm always so tired.

5.  Pepsi, Coke, Coffee, Tea, Water, Juice or Wine?
Umm.. DR.PEPPER!!   :)

6. What's your favorite fruit?
Plum YUM!!.. ooh and watermelon. Yeah, I love both.

7. What's your favorite genre to listen to in the car?
It used to be country, but now I'm starting to like.. what do they call it now-a-day's?  Top 40? Today's hits?
MAROON 5!!! Oh yah, baby.

8. Toilet paper.. over or under? 
The only way it should be OVER!  If I go into someone's bathroom and it's under, I have to change it. I'm sure they did it by accident and they thank me the next time they go into their bathroom. :)

9. It's bedtime. Are you a back, stomach or side sleeper?
Side sleeper

10. What's your favorite gadget to use in the kitchen?
Are you kidding me? Okay, fact about me. I don't use any gadgets in the kitchen!  I'm not a cook and I will never pretend to be one.

11. When you've had a stressful day, what do you do to unwind?
That's easy, Smoke! Yep, there's another fact. I'm a smoker, and I love it!

Thanks Dawn, those were some cool questions.

The next Liebster award was given to me by, Angi over at My Life in the Nutt House, I love her stuff. She makes me laugh. I know I can get along with anyone who lives in a Nutt house!

Her questions for me are...

1.  What is your most frustrating moments in the morning?
Aside from getting out of bed.  Fighting with my daughter every morning about what she wants or doesn't want to wear to school.

2. What's the  most embarrassing thing your children has said?
My son, oh my God. If someone talks to him. He will say out loud, "Mama that man is weird!"

3. What's the grossest thing you've found in the laundry? 
To be honest nothing really, they don't mess with the laundry. I'm behind them picking up their crap!

4. What is the best job you've ever had?
Besides being a SAHM.. I worked for a Budweiser distributor for 10 years.. I love everyone I worked with.
And, I got to sit on my ass all day in front of a computer.

5. What's the worst job you've ever had?
That's easy, Long ass time ago, I worked in a hotel as a housekeeper. I was asked to go back into a room a clean a toilet again.  I followed knocking and screaming "housekeeping." No answer, so I let myself in. Walked to the bathroom and found a man sitting on the crapper. I hauled ass out of there. I told my mgr that someone was taking a dump in there and I'm not cleaning it now.  It's too fresh! So they stuck me in the laundry room! I hated that!!! I eventually quit.

6.  What's the least favorite thing you have to do daily?
Hmm. that would be anything that has to be done in the kitchen. I hate cooking!

7. How long do I get in the shower?
Well, that all depends on how much screaming is going on outside of the bathroom. But, normally 5 to 7 minutes.

8. What is your favorite comfort food?
Mac n' Cheese!!

9. What's the nicest compliment your other half gave you?
That would be that I'm an amazing mother. I do believe he was sucking up that day so he could go fishing though.  I took it and let him go fishing.

10. Why did you start blogging?
I've always loved to write and I think I'm funny. Chris has like no sense of humor, so I wasn't getting any laughs at home. Thought I would share with a bunch of strangers.

11. What do you like most about a man?
Big penis!! Haha.. Just joking (not really) I like a sense of humor. I don't know what happened to Chris' he used to laugh and be silly with me all the time. He's so old and boring now. Glad I have all of you though.

So, now I have to nominate 11 bloggers.  Not sure if I can do all 11, I like to give the award away to people who haven't received it before.

Mother of the Year

The Honest Truth by the Honest Bitch

What the Poo Dude

Green Mom and Kids

Mommy Trying 2 Survive Monday

Okay, I've nominated 5.  I chose 5 because my son is freaking the hell out and I need to deal that and I've always loved the number 5.  That number is truly my lucky number.

To be honest, this is the part I don't like, I hate thinking of questions. So, in light of my foul mood today I'm only going to ask one question.

What is the biggest regret you have?

I want to thank Dawn and Angi again for this award. I guess 8 is a good number after all.
I just want to let you know, I'm thinking of making my own award to give away.
Please go visit these two lovely ladies.

Thanks for reading

Monday, March 11, 2013

Look Mom I'm sharing!

This is something new for me, today, I have a guest blogger.  She's a mother of 2 beautiful children and if you dare call her "just a Mom", she will show you what a pissed off Mom can do!  She's funny and witty and I love her blog. She loves to write about her life as a Mother and she's damn good at it.  Without further delay, I now present to you Christy from  Mother of the Year.

<Applaud Dammit!>

Hey all! My name is Christy and I am a guest blogger…and yes, another mommy blogger. “Ughhh…not another mommy blogger!” I hear you groaning. Yep, another mommy blogger! 

We’re slowly taking over the world one dirty diaper blog post at a time. I actually do not think I have written a post about diapers, but not because I’m too classy to do such a thing. I totally would write a whole blog on dirty diapers if the subject ever really came up. 

Unfortunately (or fortunately I guess), my oldest daughter was out of diapers by the time I discovered my love of blogging and my youngest daughter hasn’t really destroyed any diapers yet as she is still a newborn. 

Well, actually she is almost 3 months. I’m not sure what the cut-off age for the newborn stage is. She isn’t sitting up or crawling or getting into things yet. In other words, she isn’t driving me insane yet. I would say that she is still a newborn. I’m going to go ahead and define the newborn stage right now and set some limitations on this whole thing. Newborn stage = birth till the time they stop being snuggly and start being annoying. My guess would mean that my youngest is still technically a newborn for a few more months.

 Lucky for me, this also means that I still get to say that I “just had a baby”. “Oh, this extra padding? Well, I JUST had a baby” (3 months ago). “Yes, I’m still not adjusted to life with a NEW baby.” (After 3 months). “I’m just so exhausted because I JUST had a baby.” (3 months ago). I have every intentions of hinting that I am the exhausted, slightly chubby, stressed out brand new mom. I am milking this for all its worth, while I can. 

In a few months, I’m just another boring mother of two. Right now, I’m the mother of a new baby so I need spoiled and fawned over. Right about the time that my youngest is beyond the newborn stage, my best shot at getting special treatment is to get pregnant again. The pregnancy card is an excellent card. It gets you out of all kinds of things and then you get to play the newborn card all over again. Somehow I don’t think that my husband will accept this as an acceptable reason for having another child. 

“Honey, we cannot afford another child right now. I’m sorry that no one will be spoiling you anymore. Maybe you could make something of yourself besides just being a mom!” Just a mom? I think not. I’m about to be a single mom if he keeps saying things like make something of yourself besides just being a mom…. 

Let’s forget the fact that those words never even came out of his mouth in real life- just in my head. My imaginary argument went that way so I have every right to be mad at him, right? Hmmm….maybe he’s right though. Maybe I should make something of myself besides just being a mom. But if I focus on anything else, how will I ever win Mother of the Year? 

Maybe I should write a blog on how to become Mother of the Year? Oh, wait….already did that.

 If you like this guest blog, check out my real Mother of the Year Blog 


Can you laugh at yourself?

Is a person born with a sense of humor?  The older I get it saddens me to notice that younger folks do not have the ability to laugh at themselves.

(I hated that I just used the word “folks”, I’m really not that old, not even 40 yet.)

Luckily, my Mommy brain has blocked out the memory of my personality when I was in my early 20’s.  I would like to think I had a sense of humor.

People seem so damn sensitive now-a-days!

With technology the way it is today, you put yourself out there.

Meaning, in my early 20’s we didn’t have Facebook, Twitter.  Shit we still had dial up Internet.

People are constantly slapping their duck faces on and snapping a picture and uploading it to Facebook.  I can see your phone/camera in your hand pointed at the mirror so, you know what you look like when you made that face you must think you look good.

What do you expect when you post pictures of yourself on social media sites?  Everyone knows you’re looking for attention.  When I see these pictures, I look below to read the comments hoping someone pointed out that big lips went out with Angelina Jolie or maybe the nightly face cream isn’t working like you thought.  Nope, I see;  “You look so pretty.”  or “I love your shirt.”  I say what the hell, why don’t you take the freshly washed bra off the shower curtain before you snap that picture.  Or, at least clean up the bathroom a bit!

I think that’s why people can’t laugh at themselves anymore.  The comments below the freaky picture is proof.  I know people see what I see, I know they think what I think.  But, they continue with the nice, fake comments.

I can tell you this, if I post a duck face or crinkle forehead picture on Facebook, I would add a funny title letting people know that I know I look like a jerk.  But, I like to have fun.  I’m letting people know that I can laugh at myself.

Nope, those people don’t add a title, so what do I have to do?  I have to post a comment. Nothing rude, I like to point out the obvious and make a joke about it.  A joke who if a  30+ person would read it would laugh.  They wouldn't delete the comment and pretend it never happened.  Instead of deleting the comment maybe delete the picture.

Personally, what I think is attractive in a person, man or woman is a sense of humor.  Not, those silly pictures of yourself, with a dirty bathroom behind you.

Laugh at yourself, Laugh at other people, Laugh with other people, Make people laugh.  Life is too short to be so serious all the time.


Link up to "Yeah Write" and come back on Thursday to vote for your favorite!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

What happens after the “Happily Ever After.”

The movie is over, the couple walks away in the sunset hand in hand.
You put down the crumpled up wet tissues that you were using to wipe away the happy tears.  You walk away feeling good, love is grand!

We've all watched these movies, read those books. I know I have.
But, have you ever thought of what happens after the Happily Ever After?

I can tell you what happens after…

All the bullshit is out of the way.  All of their secrets are out of the closet.
The sexy, beautiful people will now act like a normal couple.  No more longing into each other’s eyes for hours.  They still have sex, but not like they used.  They undress themselves quickly.  The man’s chiseled chest has now become man boobs.  His six pack abs are long gone and his belly button is so deep, you could keep your laundry money in there.  The woman’s sexy undergarments are now granny panties that don’t match her bra.  Hand holding? Ha! Only time he grabs her hand is to pull her out the way of an oncoming car. (if he see’s it in time)
Dancing the night away as been replaced by the man running to the store for the woman’s late night craving.  The man witness the miracle of birth.  It’s a miracle if the man can look at the woman’s hooha with out cringing from the memory of how big that sucker got pushing out a human.

Yes, she said she loved it and she did it all the time (before the happily ever after).  Truthfully, she really doesn’t like to kiss someone where they pee.
Misleading? Yep! Well, so is I don’t like watching football.  HA!  As he screams at the T.V to players who can not hear him, he’s not helping the team win.

Kissing was like a sport, you did it all the time like you are training for the Olympics.
 It was sweet and sensual and make your toes curl.
After the movie is over, it’s hard puckered lips while running in different directions.

Hot sexual showers together are now,  maybe the woman will get one every other day just to clean off the dried puke made from the beautiful creature who was bulldozed out of her crotch that now stays dormant.

Basically, this is what happens after the movie ends and the book comes to a close.  Every story is different of course.  Do you think that the writers come up with these stories from their real life? Hell no, it’s their imagination!  It’s entertainment, real life, real relationships are not like one’s in books and or movies.  They may start off all hot and heavy but they can never endure that kind of romance with out life getting in the way.  There is always someone’s dirty underwear to be washed, dinner to be cooked, bills to be paid.

So, that’s what I like to do when I finish reading that amazing love story, I imagine those characters in real life and what happens after their “Happily Ever After.”

Thanks for reading,