Friday, August 1, 2014

Do all women deal with this, or is it just an Ellen thing?

As a 40 year old woman, I've learned that women, girls and gay men will talk about pretty much anything.
Everything, including; beauty, love, relationships, health, cooking and sex.

I've always been a pretty open person and nothing really embarrasses me. Most of the time I don't feel uncomfortable even listening or talking about personal stuff with friends. Shit, sometimes even strangers that show an interest or brought up the subject.

Again, over the years I've heard a lot of stories or have been asked advice about problems or situations.  Most of them are just "Hey, Ellen wanna hear something gross?"  Well, of course I say hell yeah, because someone else's gross problem always makes you feel just a tiny bit better about your own gross stuff.

Friend story 
Oh my gosh, I was in the shower the other night because I thought a hot shower would break up the congestion in my chest.  I was in the shower and started coughing like crazy and all of a sudden I felt something coming up my throat.  So, I spit it out in my hand and it was phlegm as big as a golf ball!

My response:
Oh wow, bet that made you feel better!  But, I have to ask, why the hell did you spit in your hand?  You freak the fuck out when you step on a wet noodle with bare feet, but you will spit nasty brown mucus in your hand?  What did you do with it after?

Friend question:
How many times a day do you change your tampon? And, do you change it every time you pee?

My response:
I don't know how many times I change it, depends on how heavy I'm flowing that particular day. And, no I don't change it every time I pee.  Why would I?  You don't pee out of your tampon hole.

Come to find out that this friend who was in her mid 30's at the time, thought that you had to change your tampon every time you peed, because she thought that's where her pee came out of.  After I finished laughing because I thought she was joking I encouraged her to go home and take a hand mirror to her lady bit and to count the holes.  I assured her that there are 3 holes and hopefully she would save a lot more money on tampons from now on.

I had a miscarriage a couple of years ago, I was just at 12 weeks when I miscarried and I was at home.
I called a friend after I knew I passed the fetus.  I called her because she had went through a miscarriage before and I hadn't.

Friend question:
Okay, well when you passed it did you pull it out of the toilet and look at it?

My response:
Uh, Hell no!  Why the hell would I do that?  That is not something I want to see.

This particular story I had absolutely no response to, and this is the same story on how I measure grossness.  After hearing it, I swear nothing else can beat it and I think I can hear just about anything.

Friend:  My husband says my cooter stinks.
Me:  Oh well, that's not good.
Friend: I don't just mean, when his nose is down there, he said he can smell it from across the room. 
Me:  Oh I'm sure he's over reacting.
Friend:  Uh no.  Well the thing is I can smell myself too.  
Me:  ** Crickets**
Friend:  Ellen you there? 
Me:  Uh, yeah.  I'm really not sure what to say to that.  

So when ever I describe a lady's private parts as a 'Hot Pocket', this is the story I'm thinking of.  Ooey, gooey cheesy mess drooling out of itself.

One of the earliest memories I have of girl talk, I must have been about 14 years old.  I was at a friends house hanging out and my friend who was the same age decided to show me something funny.
Just so you know, I was pretty naive back then, shit I thought a virgin was a monster when I was 13. And when people would call me that, I would yell, "No, I'm not a virgin!"  Then, they would all laugh.
So, at the friends house she took off her pants, but thank god left on her underwear.  She rolled herself into a ball on her back and then started to rock back and forth.  First thing I thought was, why the hell did she take her shorts off just to excersize.  Holy shit I was wrong. After a few rocks back and forth, I heard this noise come from her bottom area that was sticking up in the air.  I thought she farted and I thought okay, I can do that without taking off my clothes and I don't even have to rock. But, it does help to lift at least one cheek.  Then she explained to me that her butt wasn't farting it was actually her cooter.  She explained that it was called a queef.  Ugh!  I was like what the fuck is that.  I had no idea that you could fart out of both holes.  For shit's sake what's wrong with the female species.  Thank god, she demonstrated over and over because that was something I wanted to master right away.  Haha, yeah right!  Now, when it happens it's certainly not something I'm proud of.  I don't get embarrassed I just thank the heavens above that it doesn't stink!!

I was at a birthday party once for a kid who's friends with my daughter. Usually, I'm bored as hell with these things, because all the mom's there are uptight and snooty.  Well, this one lady who looked like she fit the uptight profile starting talking about her college years and told me a story about how her best friend called her in a panic in the middle of the night to come help her. The friend didn't explain the problem that she needed help with so this lady just rushed over.  When she walked into her friends apartment bathroom she found her friend on all fours on the bathroom floor.  Apparently, she decided she wanted to wax her bung hole area and couldn't get the paper pulled off on her own.  The lady explained that after laughing so hard and in mild horror of seeing her friends puckered brown eye she closed her eyes and ripped that sucker off of her.

So, I guess it's really not so bad to hear peoples ooey, gooey problems. I've never had to wax anyone's turd cutter!

So, is it just me? Or do all women have to endure listening to these stories/problems.

Even, though it seems awful to listen and picture this stuff, I'm really glad to be a woman.  You know damn well men don't call each other on the phone and complain that green sludge is coming out of his dick hole.

I hope that's not something I have to hear or see EVER!!!!!

Thanks for reading.