Leash Free

 It happened slowly, I barely noticed the change. The love that was given so freely before was now set by rules and boundaries.  If the boundaries were crossed the leash was pulled, not hard at first but I felt the squeeze. 

Over time, I learned where the boundaries laid and I was careful not to cross them, it wasn’t worth the restraint of my leash. 

Everyday was a new day, I hope for the best. Excited to see my person at the end of the day.

When night fell so did my hope and silent tears wet my trusting soul.

 I adapted to my role and what was expected of me.  I stopped hoping for love and acceptance from my original master.  I still obeyed the rules but I did so with bitterness. I complied with the rules for the little ones.

After many years of what felt like being strangled by his leash, I realized that I was not the animal he could control.

Even though I was never at ease with him or myself there, I was scared. Scared to find out who I really was. 

Questions I asked myself everyday..

Will I always shy away like a beaten dog whenever true compassion is shown toward me?

Will a new person just try to put their leash on me?

Are my scars visible? 

Am I worthy of true judgement-free love?  

Was I the problem? 

Why am I terrified to express my feelings and emotions? 

These are questions that I look within myself for the answers.  

I then remembered these aren’t real questions, they are statements that I heard more times I care to count from who was supposed to love me unconditionally.

Now, I rely on myself alone to make sure I never have to endure these feelings ever again!

Statements I live by are new and loving..

I am worthy of everything I deserve

I can love like no other

I will not be used, or hidden behind a veil of secrecy.

My life is full and complete 

I don’t want a relationship, I want a partnership.

Everyday is perfect, exactly the way it is supposed to be… Leash free

Letter to Past Self

 July 20, 2019, is a day you will never forget!  

You thought it was just going to be a normal day.

The kids were gone for a whole week and we were finally going to pick them up. I know you're so excited to see them.  You missed them so much! 

He screamed at you while you cried for mercy, just a little empathy is all you wanted.  Stuck in the car for two hours with either yelling, degrading, or numbing silence.   

This was the last straw, your mind was made up although so terrified... How? That was the question you kept asking yourself, how can you do it? How will I survive?

I don't need to go into detail about everything you felt, what you withstood those years.  Those memories live within both of us forever.  

But the question you need an answer to right now is, HOW?

This is how...

You made a plan, first on the list was money.  You turned your part-time job into a full-time job.  You thought of the little details like bank accounts and cell phones and your 2 best friends and family helped in every way they could.  

5 long months later you did it, you told him.  You told him that you could no longer live your life like this any longer.  You wanted better for your kids and for the rest of your life.  

You thought of mom a lot during this time. She was close, she raised you to be a strong woman, she prepared you for this.  A mom always wants better for their child and you were going to prove her right!

So, it's been one year and four months from that dreadful day of July 20, 2019.  I want to show you everything you accomplished since then. 

The things you were afraid you couldn't do you are doing and you're doing amazing.

The cutest apartment

New Car

Bills paid

Money in Savings

You didn't know this then, but those 4 things are minor compared to what you didn't realize you were going to have to do.

The most important thing is learning to love yourself!  

You're still working on it, you work hard every single day.  Yes, you still have bad days, and that's okay. The bad days you have now are so much better than the bad days you had a year ago. 

Oh, and another thing, you have your freedom, you have the freedom to come and go as you please. 

You don't have to answer to anyone! Not a single soul.  That feeling is unreal. 

You have the freedom to eat cereal for dinner if you want, or not wash the damn dishes if you don't feel like it.  

YOU SLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BED!!!!

You smile so much more now.  You don't have to fake that smile anymore. 

The kids are doing amazingly well.  They are happier, so much happier.  Everyone gets along and has so much fun. Laughing, playing games.  There's no more fighting! No more raised voices or crying.

They smile a lot too!

You did it.. you're doing it!   Every single day is better than the day before.

Love,

Future Ellen

July 20, 2019
After we picked up the kids. 

All screwed up..... Literally!

Do you remember when you brought home your new born baby?  I have recently experienced something similar.  Although, my new baby is my 14 year old daughter. 

If you know the saying; "Bent but not broken" then you will know what I'm talking about.

If not, then let me fill you in, scoliosis is what I'm referring to.  My daughter Emilie was diagnosed with "Idiopathic Adolescent Scoliosis" in 2016.  Her curve was already at 33 degrees when confirmed with her orthopedic.  So, from there she was fitted with a brace that she was supposed to wear 23 hours a day!  She cried, I cried, we fought, I pleaded for her to wear that blasted brace!  "Baby, please!  It will help you.  If you don't wear it you will have to have surgery!"  Guess what??  She didn't wear it like she should have worn it. 

Fast forward to May 2018, there was no sense putting off the inevitable we needed to go see a surgeon.

First, yet another xray of my "curvy girl."  The x ray shown, isn't that great. She has 2 major curves; thoracic was measured at 78 degrees, and her lumbar was measured at 45 degrees.  Mind you, when found 2 years ago, she only had one curve.  She grew and curved very quickly.  And, wasn't wearing her brace. 

So, we met with Dr. Lovejoy with Nemours Children's hospital and after a few more tests, she was scheduled for spinal fusion.  Surgery date: June 21, 2018.  I was a nervous wreck every single day! 

Of course I needed before and after pics!  These were taken only a couple days before surgery.

The hump on the right is her ribs, her spine was also twisted

The day of surgery arrived and off we went to Orlando (only an hour from where we live) fasting as well.   I fasted too, I felt it was unfair that the family could eat but she couldn't.  I made Chris and Andrew eat in private, because we didn't have to be there until 11:30 am.  I wasn't hungry anyway, I was a ball of nerves!!

Back we went, and found out surgery time was 1:47 pm.  They gave her an IV and filled it with happy meds a few minutes before they took her back to surgery.

Before the "happy meds"

Thank god for the meds they gave her, she was actually funny, when they wheeled her out.. giggling even.  If it weren't for that, I would have cried like a baby!  But, I held it together.. for now!

The hospital had this amazing app called: EASE.  Basically a nurse would sit at the computer in surgery and keep me up to date on her surgery.  The procedure would last between 3 to 5 hours. 

First message I received

I received a few more during the almost 4 hour procedure.  This really, helped me!  I was absolutely terrified!  

About 15 minutes after the surgery and she was brought back to recovery, the surgeon came out to tell me how it went.  He said, that it went really well and he was able to straighten her as much as he could.  I'm keeping in mind, that her spine will NEVER be perfectly straight. 

They had to fuse from T3 to L3.. below is a diagram to understand better..

I'm still doing good, keeping the tears at bay, but I really want to see my baby, and finally about 30 mins later Chris and I were able to go back!  

I tell you what, nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see!  As soon, as I laid eyes on my sweet girl, I lost it.  A nurse held my hand and told me that she did amazing and she will be just fine. 

I took this picture right after my breakdown in the recovery room.  I knew Emilie would want to see.  

Soon, we were moved to a private room.  And there my friends is where the funny parts happened.. At least until the drugs they gave her during surgery wore off.  Below are a couple videos she allowed me to share! 

This first video is when my sister and my niece came in to see Emilie right after recovery.  Thankfully they came to watch Andrew, as he couldn't go into Pre-Op or recovery.

This video is of Emilie trying to send a hello video to her really worried BFF.  But, she got sidetracked and remembered she missed her boyfriend Cameron

.

This video is of her explaining why Cameron's hugs are just so good!

And the last video is her talking to her BFF on speakerphone.

The next day some one from physical therapy came in and it was time to move!  Here's where the brand new baby feeling comes in.  I was horrified that she would slip, fall or twist!  

But, she did amazing, we had to learn how to do what they call a "log roll"  I really wished we practiced this at home before surgery!

I had planned to stay with Emilie while she was in the hospital.  Chris and Andrew would drive home and make sure the dog was okay.

But, because Chris is such a wonderful dad and would do anything to make his little girl happy, the next day he brought Cameron (the boyfriend) with him!  

She looks sad, because it was time for Daddy and Cameron to leave

Nighttime was horrible for her with pain, at one point she was crying that she wished she never had the surgery.  But I knew it was just the pain talking.  I felt horrible, there was really nothing I could do but to sit by her and remind her why she had the surgery and what her life would be like after.  I would have done anything to switch places with her so she would never had to feel that kind of pain!

It was the single most terrifying process I've ever had to witness and I know there are children out there with much more terrible diseases.  I can't even begin to imagine what their parents are going through. 

Emilie wanted to know what her back looked like. 

She was admitted on Thursday and released on Sunday evening..

I was so scared to bring her home, even though I was so exhausted from being in that hospital for 3 nights.  So off we went!

As of today, June 29th we are 8 days post op!  She took her first shower today and her pain is minimizing every day!  She is down to one 5mg of percocet a day. 

I've been sleeping in her room with her. I was planning on moving out tonight, but she asked if I could stay one more night.  Well, of course I can, how often does a 14 year old girl want their mom sleeping in her room?  Almost never!  So, I will be taking advantage of this bonding time with my baby!

Finally, an after picture of her back.  I took this today 8 days after surgery!  I'm so pleased with her posture, but she isn't!  She needs to re-learn how to hold hold her back, it will take some time, but she will be straighter!  

I wanted to share her journey with anyone who may be going through this.  If you're at the early stages when your curvy girl has to wear a brace, please show her this!  Emilie did finally admit that she should have worn her brace!

Getting a t-shirt made for her:

"I conquered spinal fusion and I'm all screwed up!"

P.S.
Emilie, I want you to know that you are the bravest young lady I ever met! 

I want to be my Tupperware cupboard!!

For as long as I can remember, I've been a planner.  I'm the person who is always early to where ever it is I need to be.  I was the strong one when both of my parents died.

One trait that I have, that my mom always boasted upon is that I'm dependable and independent.
I would always smile when she would say that to me.
Up until today...

I don't know if I want to be the dependable, organized and thoughtful person anymore.

This evening, I was unloading the dishwasher and as I was putting away my silverware (I always HAVE to do that first) I noticed that I was screwing with the forks so they would all lay on top of each other nice and neat.  Every tine had to line up perfectly.

I stopped and thought to myself, why the fuck do I care?  Why do I care if they all line up?  Who the shit hole cares if every fork isn't placed so very carefully into it's designated slot?

I decided right then, I don't care if they all line up.  Nope!  I don't care.

I slammed the drawer and then opened the cupboard where I keep my Tupperware.  I smiled when I noticed that the cupboard is a disgusting, un-organized mess!

For some crazy ass reason, I like that mess.  I like that it doesn't even bother me.

I wish I could be my Tupperware cupboard, but for some fucked up reason I know that I'm really the plastic thingy we all put in our drawers to keep our silverware organized.

I know this goes much deeper than my silverware and my tupperware, but I really don't give a shit right now.

I hope you enjoyed my delusional rant!  

Momma Don't you worry

I've been asked a few times by authors to read their work and write a review about it.  I love to help people and if my little blog here can help someone just a little bit.  I'm more than happy to help with someone else's dream.
Hopefully, when I'm finished with my book someone will help me get the word out.

I was recently asked if I could read and review a children's book.
I read to my son all the time and he's currently learning how to read himself.



The book is about a little boy who is nearly six years old and he feels he's too old to hold his mother's hand when they are out and about.

He learns that he's not too cool to hold mom's hand.

I also, have a little lad who will be six soon and he's been expressing to me that's he may be getting too old hold my hand.

I read the story and then I read it to my son.

In the end Andrew agreed that maybe he should still hold my hand.  Then we talked about what he should do if he got lost.

I really enjoyed the lesson of the story and the rhyming was fun.

You can find this book on Amazon and Barnes and Noble for $1.29.

            

OR.....

Buy it at Barnes and Noble

Thanks for reading,  I hope you enjoy the book.