Freaky Fetish

A friend told me about this, and a friend told her.  It's these postings on Craigslist, that are way beyond selling a bed or grandpa's old rock collection.    These are real postings from real people who have what I would call odd sexual requests and fetishes.  Who am I to say that these are odd?  Obviously, I'm a bit vanilla or have been living under a boulder.

Initially, I wanted to copy and paste the actual postings on my blog.  After some research I think it's not allowed and damn if I want to be sued by that website.  So what I'm going to do is, in my own words list fetishes I never knew existed and shit I would never do.

1.   When Chris gets home from work I have absolutely no desire to take off his work boots and sniff and suck on his sweaty stinky toes!

2.  I'm not sure why watching someone pissing and shitting themselves is a turn-on. But this lady is "dying" to host a party!

3.  The word smother scares the shit out of me.  Even when being tickled too much I lose my breath and feel like I might die. So, the thought of someone smothering me with their toes, feet and sitting on my face, I can tell you I will freak the fuck out!

4.  A guy who says his fetish is watching someone clean his house and do is laundry with no nudity or sex.
  I call bullshit! That's not a fetish that's a lazy asshole!

5.  I almost projectile vomited when I read that a man is looking for a woman, any women married or single to visit him during her menstrual cycle.  He will not have intercourse only give her oral!

6.  When you think of playing a video game do you also think of getting "slammed" from behind?  Um, me either!  This guys is looking for a woman who will play Super Mario Brothers and who can also fake an orgasm while he's busy from behind.  He is very specific about what will happen at the end of each level!  WTF!!

7.  What does it mean if a man only wants foreplay and insists that there will be no sex?  Is he really a man? Is he so big he hasn't seen his winky dink in years?  Ugh. I'm grossing myself out!

8.  I thought men did their personal deed alone.  I guess I'm wrong though.  I'm seeing many, many ad's who want to be watched while do this to themselves.  They don't want the other person to touch them or even talk just to watch.

9.  I would call this abuse.  Apparently some people consider this a foot fetish.  A man looking for a person who will kick and trample on him with bare feet.  Oh and he also mentioned that he can be used as a toilet!

10.  I believe this gentleman has Mommy issues!  He's looking for an older woman (didn't specify age) who will bath, breastfeed and tuck him in.


I'm a pretty open minded person.  Although, a few of them grossed me out but I was really shocked to read some of these.  The one's listed above are no where near all of them posted. There are hundreds of them.
I know we've all heard of a golden shower, that one is mild compared to what some people are doing now-a-days.

I read these to Chris and thank god, he thought they were all weird!  Well except for #4!

Thanks for reading and I hope you got a good laugh out of this.

Rainy summer days

This is what my kids do to entertain themselves this summer while stuck in a small apartment on rainy days!

This is one of the many tents (forts) they decided to build on top of my dining room table. 

The next thing she decided to do was make a hammock in the hallway using sheets. 

Luckily, I caught her before she used every thumb tack we have and ripped the sheet all to hell,
to make that dream come true. 

So, she convinced her brother that they are in cocoon's.

What I find funny is, when she has to write a story for homework she freaks the hell out claiming she has no imagination and she can't do it!

At least they aren't bugging the hell out of me.  But, still counting the days until school resumes!

36 days.

Thanks for reading.

xoxo

Tales from the Trailer Park Chapter 5: "You Little Asshole"

Welcome to the Tales from the Trailer Park, if you're new here you can catch up by clicking the sign below.

I wanted to dedicate a chapter about each of my parents. Today I'm starting with my Mom.  Her name was Honor and she was an older mom.  She had me when she was 39 years old and my sister 18 months later.  We were her only children.  I thought because she was an older mom she wouldn't entertain us the way I thought a mom should.  Come to find out, now that I'm a mother it's just a pain in the ass to try to entertain your kids all day long.   I wanted to share with you all the silly and disturbing things I used to do to my Mom while I was a youngster.  I titled this post "You Little Asshole," because that was the phrase I would hear often after I pulled my "stunts."

Okay,

Does anyone remember those outfits that were made of terry cloth and came in all sorts of pastel colors?  Oh and they were also strapless?  If not then the picture below is exactly what I'm talking about.

My mom detested bra's, she worn them when she absolutely had to, like work and going to the store.  But, as soon as she got home she would rip off that sucker and pull on one of these fabulous outfits.

Remember when I told you about the fence that I used to climb trying to get to the tree?  Well, that same fence separated our yard from our neighbor's yard.  The neighbor was also my mom's boss.  Anyway, whenever she would pull herself outside the smoke filled house and off the couch she would be outside standing by the fence talking to boss lady.  She was more than Mom's boss she was also really good friends with her.

When I felt there was just nothing else to do with my pitiful life, I would annoy my mom and I also looked for any reason to get a laugh, even if it was at the expense of another.

I'm sure I whined to mom those two horrible, eye scratching words to her during my childhood. "I'm bored!" But, when she yelled at me for the gazillionth time to go play I would go to my stand by for entertainment.

Picture it.....
Mom standing at the fence in her towel like outfit with a cigarette in her hand talking away to boss lady.
I would come up behind her and swoosh...

Down goes the outfit and hello mom boobs.

I didn't only do this when she was talking to boss lady, sometimes boss lady's husband was there too.
Of course I got many, many belly laughs from doing that.  Obviously not from my Mom, but who cares a laugh is a laugh right?

She would pull herself back together and turn around,
"Ellen, dammit to hell!  You little asshole!" she would scream at me.
If I were close by she would have tried to grab me, but I'm not that stupid.
I knew damn well Mom didn't run, so as soon as I did my deed I would run out of her reach.
I can't even count how many times I did that to her over the years.  You would think she would stop wearing those crazy looking things.


Ahh, good times..

Every once and a while Mom would come outside and just sit down on the front porch.  Mind you I called it a porch but technically it was just a concrete slab that butted up to the front of the house.  There was an awening that covered it at one point. Well, until the tornado ripped it off, but that's another story I will leave to tell you about my Dad.

She would sit there in her outfit and yes a cigarette in her hand and watch us do our gymnastic in the yard.  One time we bugged her so damn much to do a cartwheel for us.  We only did this to entertain ourselves. Damn straight, we thought it would be funny as hell to see our "old" mom doing a cartwheel in the front yard.
She did. Once. We laughed.

She was terrified of snakes!  I mean kick your ass to get out of a 1 mile vicinity of a snake.
Some how we got our hands on a fake black snake.  Yep we did what you're thinking.  She's sitting on the porch in a beach chair the one's that fold down and hard as hell to get out of.  I came up behind her and threw that sucker right around her neck.

I'm laughing now thinking about it.  She freaked the hell out!  She wiggled and waggled to get away and then managed to make the legs of her beach chair go up and she fell to the ground with the fake snake around her neck.
I thought for sure I would be in deep shit for that stunt, although I thought it was definitely worth it.

She yelled for a minute and then went back to smoking.

God, I miss my mom.  She really was able to give me so many laughs!
I hope I'm able to give my children all the ammunition they need to laugh with and about me.

Thanks for reading.

xoxo

Tales from the Trailer Park Chapter 4: Trailer Park Psychic

Welcome to Chapter 4 of Tales from the Trailer Park.

If you haven't read the first three chapters, you can find them here.



When I was in elementary school, one time I was bus monitor.
Hell yah! I got wear that cool ass orange belt thingy and I think that sucker even had a pin on telling people to listen to me!  I believe I was in the 5th grade when I was honored with this awesome ability to yell at the shit heads on the bus I didn't’ like.

On our route to school we traveled mostly back roads, well because that’s all there really was.  At one point we would come to the end of a street and we could either go left or right.  Straight ahead was a small white wooden house, I don’t’ remember if anyone lived there or not.  It’s really not important.

 I got up for school one morning and got ready, admiring my nifty belt I got to wear on our travels to school.

Okay, I’m on the bus and we were stopped at one of the bus stops, I was allowed to stand while we were stopped to help the little ones get on and get to their seats.  I was feeling out of sorts that day and I couldn't figure out why.  I felt like I needed to remember something, but for the life of me I couldn't remember.

I was distracted by all the damn noise on the bus, they just weren't listening to me.  I sat down knowing defeat when I see it and I began thinking about why I felt so buggy that day.

Then all of a sudden like I was zapped by lighting, I had a dream the night before that the little white wooden house was burning.  I remembered seeing flames and it felt hot.  I looked out the front window because I hadn't paid attention where we were on our route and I realized that we hadn't gotten to that house yet.

 I felt my stomach doing flips inside me, I was freaking nervous to see that house.  What if it was burned to the ground? What would that mean?  Did that mean that I’m a freak? Can I tell the future?  Would I get to be bus monitor again?  Damn what a gift this could be.

 My face turned white and I stood up in the aisle of the bus, because I saw it, the house had indeed burned down.  I remember the damn bus driver yelled at me for standing while she was moving. I wanted to remind her that I was wearing my belt and to mind her manners.

 I swear to Jesus who visited me while I was swimming, the house was standing proud yesterday!

How come I can’t remember how to divide without a calculator but I can remember shit from the 5th grade?

There was one other psychic incident while I was young, my Aunt who also lived on our street had died and I knew she died before anyone told me.  Finally while hanging upside down in a tree at my brother's house my dad came up to the tree and looked at my upside down face.

"Ellen, Aunt Alice died."  he said
"I know dad."  I replied.

Well, that's all the stories I have about my psychic abilitiy and I promise no more stories about feminine products.  Although, coming up will be a story about when I got the privilege to watch my first boyfriend shit out of a tree!

Thanks for reading,

xoxo

I think I'll call her nipples

We had nothing planned to do on a boring Sunday afternoon, so we decided to go a few towns over and visit something called a "Splash Pad."

It's not a very big area, but it's a free and cute little place for the kids to go cool off and play.  Didn't realize that the parents can actually strip down to their bathing suit and cool off too.
What I like most about it is that it's right by the river.  I love hanging out by the river and watching the dolphins play.

Anyway, Chris and I are sitting on our little bench watching the kids play and have fun.  Well, because I can't sit there and watch my kids every move I have to watch other kids and parents.

There are a few things that I witnessed that I shook my head at.

First thing I noticed was this dad playing with his little girl. She was probably 5 or 6 years old.  So, I couldn't help but to watch him play with her.  It was cute how much he played with her.  It made me smile for about 2 minutes.  Then, I couldn't help but think, why the hell is he playing with her so much?  My first thought was he must be a single dad and only has her for the weekend.  That's cool.  But, what aggravated me was that she clearly wanted to play with other kids.  Every time she would walk or run away from dad and try to play with another kid, he would call her back.   What the hell?  He did this the whole time!  I wanted to yell to him. "Yo jack-ass why don't you let your kid play with someone her own age, and go put a damn shirt on will ya?"   But, of course Chris frowned upon it so I had to keep my mouth shut.

I was so aggravated by watching this I turned my attention to a mom who came in with 2 kids in tow.  One kid was probably around one, and the other I would say 7 or 8. Mom had on a black and white bikini, she looked cute, well that's until her nipple popped out of her bathing suit!

Wouldn't you know I missed the show!  Chris filled me in though, he caught the whole thing.  She was cooling off under one of the sprinkler things and rubbing her body seductively and all of a sudden she pulled down one side of her bikini top and showed me her nipple.  That's the story Chris told me anyway.  I think it made him feel good about himself, so I let him think that she showed him her nipple.
I even pretended to be mad about it, "That whore, I'm gonna go say something to her."
He called my bluff.

So, same lady after she did her strip tease for Chris she picked up her toddler and pulled off his diaper and put him under one of the sprinkler things too.  I had no problem with that, well until her older child decided, since his little brother was naked he should be too.  He ripped off his swim trunks and started running around naked!  Andrew came up to me letting me know there was a naked little boy running around.  Thank god nipples saw right away and made him get dressed again.  I wondered what it's like at their house?  Is it okay for them to all just be naked all the time?  Maybe they have "naked Sunday's"  and they forgot they were out in public and us regular folks prefer other to keep their clothes on!

Is it bad that I noticed that my 3 year old is more of a "man" that the bigger kid is?

Okay, so that was my Sunday afternoon well at least about 2 hours of it.

P.S.
Chris took these pictures and it doesn't show the whole park.

Thanks for reading,
xoxo