Tales from the Trailer Park Chapter 4: Trailer Park Psychic

Welcome to Chapter 4 of Tales from the Trailer Park.

If you haven't read the first three chapters, you can find them here.



When I was in elementary school, one time I was bus monitor.
Hell yah! I got wear that cool ass orange belt thingy and I think that sucker even had a pin on telling people to listen to me!  I believe I was in the 5th grade when I was honored with this awesome ability to yell at the shit heads on the bus I didn't’ like.

On our route to school we traveled mostly back roads, well because that’s all there really was.  At one point we would come to the end of a street and we could either go left or right.  Straight ahead was a small white wooden house, I don’t’ remember if anyone lived there or not.  It’s really not important.

 I got up for school one morning and got ready, admiring my nifty belt I got to wear on our travels to school.

Okay, I’m on the bus and we were stopped at one of the bus stops, I was allowed to stand while we were stopped to help the little ones get on and get to their seats.  I was feeling out of sorts that day and I couldn't figure out why.  I felt like I needed to remember something, but for the life of me I couldn't remember.

I was distracted by all the damn noise on the bus, they just weren't listening to me.  I sat down knowing defeat when I see it and I began thinking about why I felt so buggy that day.

Then all of a sudden like I was zapped by lighting, I had a dream the night before that the little white wooden house was burning.  I remembered seeing flames and it felt hot.  I looked out the front window because I hadn't paid attention where we were on our route and I realized that we hadn't gotten to that house yet.

 I felt my stomach doing flips inside me, I was freaking nervous to see that house.  What if it was burned to the ground? What would that mean?  Did that mean that I’m a freak? Can I tell the future?  Would I get to be bus monitor again?  Damn what a gift this could be.

 My face turned white and I stood up in the aisle of the bus, because I saw it, the house had indeed burned down.  I remember the damn bus driver yelled at me for standing while she was moving. I wanted to remind her that I was wearing my belt and to mind her manners.

 I swear to Jesus who visited me while I was swimming, the house was standing proud yesterday!

How come I can’t remember how to divide without a calculator but I can remember shit from the 5th grade?

There was one other psychic incident while I was young, my Aunt who also lived on our street had died and I knew she died before anyone told me.  Finally while hanging upside down in a tree at my brother's house my dad came up to the tree and looked at my upside down face.

"Ellen, Aunt Alice died."  he said
"I know dad."  I replied.

Well, that's all the stories I have about my psychic abilitiy and I promise no more stories about feminine products.  Although, coming up will be a story about when I got the privilege to watch my first boyfriend shit out of a tree!

Thanks for reading,

xoxo

I think I'll call her nipples

We had nothing planned to do on a boring Sunday afternoon, so we decided to go a few towns over and visit something called a "Splash Pad."

It's not a very big area, but it's a free and cute little place for the kids to go cool off and play.  Didn't realize that the parents can actually strip down to their bathing suit and cool off too.
What I like most about it is that it's right by the river.  I love hanging out by the river and watching the dolphins play.

Anyway, Chris and I are sitting on our little bench watching the kids play and have fun.  Well, because I can't sit there and watch my kids every move I have to watch other kids and parents.

There are a few things that I witnessed that I shook my head at.

First thing I noticed was this dad playing with his little girl. She was probably 5 or 6 years old.  So, I couldn't help but to watch him play with her.  It was cute how much he played with her.  It made me smile for about 2 minutes.  Then, I couldn't help but think, why the hell is he playing with her so much?  My first thought was he must be a single dad and only has her for the weekend.  That's cool.  But, what aggravated me was that she clearly wanted to play with other kids.  Every time she would walk or run away from dad and try to play with another kid, he would call her back.   What the hell?  He did this the whole time!  I wanted to yell to him. "Yo jack-ass why don't you let your kid play with someone her own age, and go put a damn shirt on will ya?"   But, of course Chris frowned upon it so I had to keep my mouth shut.

I was so aggravated by watching this I turned my attention to a mom who came in with 2 kids in tow.  One kid was probably around one, and the other I would say 7 or 8. Mom had on a black and white bikini, she looked cute, well that's until her nipple popped out of her bathing suit!

Wouldn't you know I missed the show!  Chris filled me in though, he caught the whole thing.  She was cooling off under one of the sprinkler things and rubbing her body seductively and all of a sudden she pulled down one side of her bikini top and showed me her nipple.  That's the story Chris told me anyway.  I think it made him feel good about himself, so I let him think that she showed him her nipple.
I even pretended to be mad about it, "That whore, I'm gonna go say something to her."
He called my bluff.

So, same lady after she did her strip tease for Chris she picked up her toddler and pulled off his diaper and put him under one of the sprinkler things too.  I had no problem with that, well until her older child decided, since his little brother was naked he should be too.  He ripped off his swim trunks and started running around naked!  Andrew came up to me letting me know there was a naked little boy running around.  Thank god nipples saw right away and made him get dressed again.  I wondered what it's like at their house?  Is it okay for them to all just be naked all the time?  Maybe they have "naked Sunday's"  and they forgot they were out in public and us regular folks prefer other to keep their clothes on!

Is it bad that I noticed that my 3 year old is more of a "man" that the bigger kid is?

Okay, so that was my Sunday afternoon well at least about 2 hours of it.

P.S.
Chris took these pictures and it doesn't show the whole park.

Thanks for reading,
xoxo

Tales from the Trailer Park Chapter 3: Jesus or a Peanut Picker?

There are a few paranormal incidences that I have happened to me during my childhood before I even knew what paranormal meant. Including de ja vu.

The first thing that happened was the day that Jesus came to visit me.  I know you’re thinking I’m a fucking liar who the shit are you that Jesus would visit me.  Well, you’re wrong, I’m not a liar and you’re right, why in the hell would he visit me.  I will tell you the story and if you have any ideas, please feel free to contact me and fill me in.  Because to this day, many years later after the experience I can remember it very clearly.  I remember my thoughts and my feelings I had at that moment.

My older niece Katie was living with us at the time, she was I would guess around 15 years old at the time.  My Mom worked at a jiffy store in our town.  She worked there for as long as I could remember.  Our neighbor, the one with the cool tree was the Manager of that store and also my Mom’s boss.  My Dad wasn't working and we only had one car, he used to drive her to work every morning, she had to be there at 6am. And he would help her set up for the day.  At this time we had an above ground swimming pool in our backyard. I told you, we were like the freaking Hilton's!  Attached to the swimming pool was a big wooden deck built by my Dad and my brother.  Part of the deck was 3 foot higher than the rest, we considered that our diving board.  We decided that when dad left to bring mom to work we would slip outside and go swimming.  I remember that we were excited to do this because we had never been swimming so early in the morning.  So, Shawn, Katie and myself got ready and headed outside to go swimming.  We had fun, running and jumping off the diving board and playing games that all kids play while swimming.  You know, that stupid Marco Polo game!  Shit, I hated that game, I never won!  Anyway, we had been swimming for about an hour and I got out of the pool to jump off the diving board.  I remember looking down and seeing Shawn and Katie in the pool and I had clearance to jump.  Right before I jumped I looked to the right out into the huge field that was directly behind our house.  We had a chain linked fence that wrapped around the whole backyard.  The field behind the house had been many things over the years, so my mom had told me.  Peanut and watermelon fields were just a couple. At this time I don’t know if there was anything growing in the field, but the grass was very short and not over grown and no trees.  Anyway, I remember looking right and seeing a man standing in the field.  I’m getting goose bumps right now just thinking and writing it all down.  The man was wearing a white robe like cloth and had a long brown beard and long brown hair.
 I felt like I stood there and stared at him for an hour.

I couldn't look away.  Looking back now, I didn't think it was Jesus then, I had no idea who it was.  I was  thinking who the hell is that man.  He never moved, he never said a word that I could hear, plus he was farther away and I wouldn't have been able to hear him anyway.  I snapped out of our staring contest and I jumped in the pool.  I stayed underwater, I was scared and freaked out, I didn't want to come up and see him again.  I thought it was weird that a guy was standing in a vacant field watching children play in a pool.  I eventually started to feel my lungs burning for oxygen and came up for air.  I looked in the direction of where the man was standing and he was gone.  I remember asking Katie if he had seen the man and she said no.  I can’t remember exactly how old I was, but  I know it was somewhere between 8 and 10 years old.  So, that was the story of when I Jesus came to visit me.  As I've gotten older I've come up with a few ideas of why Jesus came to visit us that day.  My first thought was, he was coming to tell us that the demon that was living in the trailer next door was officially gone, we scared that bastard away with our tampon grenades we through in there.  And, the second thing I thought was actually more serious.  Maybe he was looking after us, he was making sure we stayed safe that day swimming with out and adult being home.  Or, maybe it was some fucked up homeless guy looking for peanuts.  Who the shit knows.  What do you think?


Thanks for reading,

xoxo


Stay tuned, next week for a little more paranormal activity

Keep your mouth off my....

Everyone has the best ideas or thinks of something that they saw or heard and it comes back to haunt you in the shower.  Welcome to "Musings from the Shower."  hosted by Penny at Mom Rants and Comfy Pants.
I love this lady!  If you haven't read her stuff, you need to head over there after you read this!

 For some reason I was thinking of this commercial while in the shower.

And I thought, what the hell is up with this commercial.  Is it supposed to be funny? Sexy?

Then I started thinking about what I would change about this commercial to make it "Ellen Funny".
What's "Ellen funny"?
Well, I think things are funny when someone is trying to be sexy and it just goes all wrong.

Watch the video above and then read what I would change about this commercial to make it funny.


NEW SCENE:

I would keep the beginning the same, sexy lady walks in and not so sexy man is moaning over a Hot Pocket.  She walks up looking sultry and she opens her mouth to take a bite.

We all know that biting down on a Hot Pocket is like putting your mouth in hot freaking lava!
A long stringy melted cheese is stuck to your chin, while you have a mouthful of steaming nasty ass sauce.

Okay, now picture the lady above in that scene, she's got her mouth open wide and shaking her head like a rabid dog trying to cool off the putrid snack inside her mouth.
She's making inaudible noises, shrieks and is panting as she's trying to free the toxin she put in her mouth.
Drool makes it's way out and it now joined with the melted cheese that is dangling from her chin.

Finally, with one last shake of her pretty little head, the spit soaked food flies out of her mouth and lands on the not so sexy guy's foot.

The man looks up from spit shit on his shoe and says;
"That's what you get dumb ass, keep your nasty mouth off my Hot Pocket!"

Now, that shit is funny!

Do you think if I submitted this new scene to the Hot Pocket people they would like it?
I tried to talk Chris into making this commercial  but he declined.

I want to thank Penny at Mom Rants and Comfy Pants for allowing me to be a guest blogger at her awesomely funny blog!

Thanks for reading,

xoxo

Musings from the Shower

Hey ya'll you can find me today over at

MOM RANTS and COMFY PANTS.

If you're haven't visited this blog yet, please go NOW!

She is hilarious and she started a new series
Have you ever seen a commercial and thought..
What the hell kind of shit is that?
Yeah, me too..
So I re-wrote one.

Click above or below to read

After you read my guest post go snooping around
and read  her other posts.

If you would like to participate in her new series,
Musings from the Shower
leave a comment and she will get back with you.


Thanks for stopping by and
Chapter 3 - Tales from the Trailer Park
will be posted on Friday.