Hey kid! Do you ever stop talking?

I've compiled a small list of the shit my 3 year old son says damn near on a daily basis.

I'm not the normal kind of girl who likes to talk very much.  I have so many things going on in my head at all times that there isn't much to say out loud.

My son is a different though, he says everything and anything that is on his mind.

When Andrew talks to me he expects an answer.  A normal grunt from Mommy will not suffice it either.

I think he gets that shit from his father.  He talks more than any man I've ever met.

Andrew will also keep repeating himself over and over until I've acknowledged that he's made a statement or asked me a question that seriously I have to stop and think if he really just said that!



1.  My balls are wet Mama
     Um, Okay that's weird!

2.  Does Spiderman get wedgies?
     I have no freaking idea!

3.  Smell my hand
     What the shit Andrew, I'm not smelling your hand!

4.  I gonna punch Dora in the face
     Whoops not supposed to laugh at that. We don't say punch Andrew!

5.  Trust me.. just trust me
      Yeah, I've heard that one before.

6.  I like when you dance mama, you look like chicken. 
     Great, nice to know. Thanks!

7.  Does my hair look like noodles?
     What? No your hair does not look like noodles!

8.  Daddy can I use your lipstick?
     It's not lipstick Andrew. It's Chap-Stick - Daddy

9.  Why does my butt hole itch?
     Eww! I don't know.. Is that why you asked me to smell your hand?

10. I gonna punch Mickey Mouse.
      HeHe! Oops. Not nice Andrew.

11. Sorry Mama, I peed on the shower curtain
      Again!?! Really!! What the hell!!

12. When I get big can I say bad words?
       No, you may not!

13. You freakin' me out!
      Where the hell did you hear that?

14. Today is the perfect day to kill ants.
       Great! Is also a perfect day for a nap!

15. Look Mama, my weenie is big.
      Dammit Andrew, keep your hands out of your pants!

16. I gonna punch Blues Clues!
      Yeah, me too!

17.  Mama, Sissy breaf is stinky!
        Well, then don't smell it.

18.  Is Daddy's weenie big like mine?
       HeHe... Yep sure is!



What I find fucking hilarious is that Andrew asks me all of these questions and more during the day.  Sometimes, Andrew will ask Chris a random question just like above. Chris will automatically look at me like;  Are you kidding me? Is he really asking me this?
Yep, he sure is..answer your son!


Thanks for reading.

xoxo

Reflection

She couldn’t help but to notice her own reflection in the bathroom mirror.
It’s not as if she avoids her clone, she often looks but she does not want to see.  She doesn’t want to see the pain that she feels everyday.

She stops and leans closer to the piece of glass.  She can barely recognize the woman looking back at her.

Her green eyes aren’t as bright as they used to be.  The sparkle that had once resided faded immediately.

People used to say that they could see her soul glowing through her eyes.

What do they see now?

She knows it isn’t completely dark.  However, there are shadows that gloom with in her.

Her mind rushes back to a memory of what her eyes and soul used to look like before her life changed forever.

As the memory fades, she forces herself to open her eyes. She glares at the single tear that skims down her pale face.

The pain has certainly taken a toll on her appearance, not only her eyes also her face and her hair.  She used to love her hair.  She runs her fingers through her hair; it isn’t as soft as it was.  The color no longer has the coppery under tone.  It is bleak and lifeless just like her mood.

She strokes her hollow cheek where it once glistened with beautiful color.
The color of love the color of life.

She rubs over and over hoping to scrub away the lifeless feeling.  She feels nothing only numbness.

Her slender hand slides down to her chest, she closes her eyes to concentrate on the sound.  She can no longer feel it, she has to listen.  The trench that once held her heart is empty.  It beats only because it has to; her mind forces it to keep going.  She knows it trembles with every passing day.

She steps back from the mirror; taking a deep breath, she wipes away the single tear.

She gave herself one year, one year to be what she felt.

Today, marks the one-year point, she gives herself a small but sincere smile.

The doorbell rings, it awakens the woman she no longer wants to be.

(This post is purely fictional)

Hmm, where does this tube go?

I have never liked bodily fluids of any kind.  Even when people blow their nose I get the heeby jeebies!

My sister on the other hand she is a LPN and damn good at it.  Thank God because our Mother was not a fan of going to the doctor for any reason!
Because, I'm such a pussy when it comes to medical stuff, I usually never listened.  My sister would bring my Mom to the doctor so she would get all the correct information.  My Mom would listen she just wouldn't remember.

Anyway, I can't even remember how many damn years ago it was, early 2000's my Mom decided to tell my sister that she needs to go to the doctor cause she's been shitting blood for a good while now.  How long is a good while? Hell if I know, I didn't ask, I put my fingers in my ears and sang as soon as my sis said blood and butt hole!

So, doctor set her up for colonoscopy, my sis took care of all that, it came back that she had rectal/colon cancer, she had a tumor up there the size of a softball and they thought it had been there a good 10 years.
Damn, how long was she shitting blood!

She had to have surgery to have the tumor removed and have a colostomy bag put in.


 I remember my sister telling me and my Mother, her appointment is such and such day she has to drink this stuff before hand and no eating for 24 hours.  "Ellen, you have to bring her to the hospital for the surgery,
 I will be there as soon as I can."  Sis says as she's writing it down.

Mom, lived on her own at this time, my Dad had already passed away so, she depended on me and sis for everything.

I go pick up Mom at her apartment the day of her surgery.  We are on our way to the hospital, not too far from her house.  She must have forgotten which daughter was driving her, she started telling me about how much she shit the night before and how bad it stunk.  "What the hell Mom!, I don't want to hear that shit!"  She would always laugh whenever she grossed me out.  Then she started talking about that she thinks she has to poop again and it feels hard to hold it.  Oh hell fucking no!  "No shitting allowed in the car Mom!  I will seriously throw up if any shit leaks out of your ass onto my seat!"  She started laughing, not sure if she was joking or not, but I did not obey speed limits that day, and we made it to the hospital with clean seats!

Surgery is over and I'm in the recovery room with my Mom, she's still sleeping.  Sis no where in sight yet.  I have to tell you first, I know what a tumor is but, I really didn't know what a colostomy bag was.  Sis may have explained it to me, but with all her medical terms, I didn't know what the fuck she was talking about.

Okay, sitting in the room with sleeping Mom, I get bored and notice all these weird things hanging from her.
"Ooh that looks like a drain of some sort."  I start poking around a little more and for some fucked up reason  I followed a tube like I'm looking for a goody at the end of it. I pull up her gown and see this really red thing on the left side of her abdomen.  "Kind of looks like a big pair of round lips, or a big red butt hole."  I say to myself.  Can't leave well enough alone, I touched it. "Ooh smooshy."

In walks a nurse to do whatever nurses do, and I mentioned all the tubes and doo-hickey's hanging off Mom. Then I lift her gown again and say, "What the heck is this red thing?"
"Oh well that's her stoma."  she answers like I should know what the hell a stoma is.

She explained to me what a stoma is! First thing, I thought was, What the fuck I just touched my Mom's new butt hole!!  I run over to the hand sanitizer station and take a bath in it.

In walks my Sis.  First thing I say is, "Why didn't you tell me, Mom will have a new butt hole on the side of her stomach?"

She starts to laugh " I told you, don't you know what a stoma is Ellen?"

"UMM NO! But I know what one feels like now!"

Then I had to explain how I just played with the red thing under Mom's gown like it was Play-doh!

Oh yeah, she laughed real hard.  Not me though, didn't think it was funny at all.

After that I listened to everything she said about Mom and her condition and I even asked questions when she used her medical jargon!

There you have it, that's the story that haunts me every time I hear the words; Colonoscopy, Colostomy, Stoma and whenever I see someone with big lips wearing red lipstick.

Thanks for reading.
xoxo

P.S.
I decided not to add any pictures to this post for obvious reasons.  But, if you don't know what a stoma is Google it!  Actually, I would encourage it. <<hehehe>>

Thank you to Marcia @ Menopausal Mother for our poop conversation that inspired this post. 

Number 8...

Nineteen years ago on August 8th, I was in a really bad car accident.  Thankfully no one was seriously hurt.
(Son of a mother, I can't believe how long ago that was. I feel so fucking old! Damn you Math)

Three months later on the 8th,  me and a couple of other friends were held by gunpoint, also no one hurt.  Although, nightmares for a few months after.  But, not physically hurt.

I'm a person who believes in signs and I notice numbers in my life and I recognize those numbers as signs.
For a few years after those two incidents I was convinced that the number 8 was very unlucky for me.

Ten years or so went by and nothing significant happened that made me feel that number was unlucky, so I forgot about it.  I actually think a few good things happened on the 8th day, but shit if I can remember!
Haha!!

So, you ask what the hell I'm babbling about?  Well, hang on a damn minute and I will tell you.

I've been bestowed the great honor of being awarded the Liebster Award once again. Shit, I'm sorry I'm wrong it's twice.  Twice in one day!  Holy shit!!  I swear you guys are trying to fatten up my ego or something.

So here's where the number 8 comes into play.  After I count the 2 awards I've been given today that will make EIGHT times I've been given this award!

Weird huh?  Yeah, I think so too!

I found this one online. I was tired of looking at the pink one. 

Since this isn't my first rodeo I'm going to skip the 11 facts about myself, because I just told you a big one about myself.

The first person who gave me this award is Dawn from Delectably Dawn I've only recently found her blog and I love it.  Her stories are funny and I fell in love when I saw her post about S'mores Mess Cake!  For the love of gooey marshmallow.. MMM!!  Go check her out!

Here are the questions she wants answered.

1.  What is your favorite children's movie of all time?  Why?
 That would have to be Bambi, and it's not really because of the movie, it's because it was the first movie my Mom took me to see.  I remember looking over at her and she was crying. I love that memory.

2.  Do you work outside of your home? Or are you a SAHM? 
     What is your favorite aspect of your job? 
 I'm a stay at home mom. Well, duh I get to stay home! Just kidding.  I didn't get to stay home with my daughter and I love spending everyday with my son. Even though he drives me crazy some days.

3.  Who is the most inspirational person in your life?
You know, that is a really hard question for me.  I have a few people in my life that inspire me in different ways.

4.  What's your guilty pleasure? 
If you asked me this a couple years ago, I would definitely say T.V.  But now it's reading. I love reading!  I can't go to sleep with out reading.  No wonder I'm always so tired.

5.  Pepsi, Coke, Coffee, Tea, Water, Juice or Wine?
Umm.. DR.PEPPER!!   :)

6. What's your favorite fruit?
Plum YUM!!.. ooh and watermelon. Yeah, I love both.

7. What's your favorite genre to listen to in the car?
It used to be country, but now I'm starting to like.. what do they call it now-a-day's?  Top 40? Today's hits?
MAROON 5!!! Oh yah, baby.

8. Toilet paper.. over or under? 
The only way it should be OVER!  If I go into someone's bathroom and it's under, I have to change it. I'm sure they did it by accident and they thank me the next time they go into their bathroom. :)

9. It's bedtime. Are you a back, stomach or side sleeper?
Side sleeper

10. What's your favorite gadget to use in the kitchen?
Are you kidding me? Okay, fact about me. I don't use any gadgets in the kitchen!  I'm not a cook and I will never pretend to be one.

11. When you've had a stressful day, what do you do to unwind?
That's easy, Smoke! Yep, there's another fact. I'm a smoker, and I love it!

Thanks Dawn, those were some cool questions.



The next Liebster award was given to me by, Angi over at My Life in the Nutt House, I love her stuff. She makes me laugh. I know I can get along with anyone who lives in a Nutt house!

Her questions for me are...

1.  What is your most frustrating moments in the morning?
Aside from getting out of bed.  Fighting with my daughter every morning about what she wants or doesn't want to wear to school.

2. What's the  most embarrassing thing your children has said?
My son, oh my God. If someone talks to him. He will say out loud, "Mama that man is weird!"

3. What's the grossest thing you've found in the laundry? 
To be honest nothing really, they don't mess with the laundry. I'm behind them picking up their crap!

4. What is the best job you've ever had?
Besides being a SAHM.. I worked for a Budweiser distributor for 10 years.. I love everyone I worked with.
And, I got to sit on my ass all day in front of a computer.

5. What's the worst job you've ever had?
That's easy, Long ass time ago, I worked in a hotel as a housekeeper. I was asked to go back into a room a clean a toilet again.  I followed knocking and screaming "housekeeping." No answer, so I let myself in. Walked to the bathroom and found a man sitting on the crapper. I hauled ass out of there. I told my mgr that someone was taking a dump in there and I'm not cleaning it now.  It's too fresh! So they stuck me in the laundry room! I hated that!!! I eventually quit.

6.  What's the least favorite thing you have to do daily?
Hmm. that would be anything that has to be done in the kitchen. I hate cooking!

7. How long do I get in the shower?
Well, that all depends on how much screaming is going on outside of the bathroom. But, normally 5 to 7 minutes.

8. What is your favorite comfort food?
Mac n' Cheese!!

9. What's the nicest compliment your other half gave you?
That would be that I'm an amazing mother. I do believe he was sucking up that day so he could go fishing though.  I took it and let him go fishing.

10. Why did you start blogging?
I've always loved to write and I think I'm funny. Chris has like no sense of humor, so I wasn't getting any laughs at home. Thought I would share with a bunch of strangers.

11. What do you like most about a man?
Big penis!! Haha.. Just joking (not really) I like a sense of humor. I don't know what happened to Chris' he used to laugh and be silly with me all the time. He's so old and boring now. Glad I have all of you though.


So, now I have to nominate 11 bloggers.  Not sure if I can do all 11, I like to give the award away to people who haven't received it before.

Mother of the Year

The Honest Truth by the Honest Bitch

What the Poo Dude

Green Mom and Kids

Mommy Trying 2 Survive Monday

Okay, I've nominated 5.  I chose 5 because my son is freaking the hell out and I need to deal that and I've always loved the number 5.  That number is truly my lucky number.

To be honest, this is the part I don't like, I hate thinking of questions. So, in light of my foul mood today I'm only going to ask one question.

What is the biggest regret you have?


I want to thank Dawn and Angi again for this award. I guess 8 is a good number after all.
I just want to let you know, I'm thinking of making my own award to give away.
Please go visit these two lovely ladies.

Thanks for reading
xoxo

Look Mom I'm sharing!

This is something new for me, today, I have a guest blogger.  She's a mother of 2 beautiful children and if you dare call her "just a Mom", she will show you what a pissed off Mom can do!  She's funny and witty and I love her blog. She loves to write about her life as a Mother and she's damn good at it.  Without further delay, I now present to you Christy from  Mother of the Year.

<Applaud Dammit!>


Hey all! My name is Christy and I am a guest blogger…and yes, another mommy blogger. “Ughhh…not another mommy blogger!” I hear you groaning. Yep, another mommy blogger! 

We’re slowly taking over the world one dirty diaper blog post at a time. I actually do not think I have written a post about diapers, but not because I’m too classy to do such a thing. I totally would write a whole blog on dirty diapers if the subject ever really came up. 

Unfortunately (or fortunately I guess), my oldest daughter was out of diapers by the time I discovered my love of blogging and my youngest daughter hasn’t really destroyed any diapers yet as she is still a newborn. 

Well, actually she is almost 3 months. I’m not sure what the cut-off age for the newborn stage is. She isn’t sitting up or crawling or getting into things yet. In other words, she isn’t driving me insane yet. I would say that she is still a newborn. I’m going to go ahead and define the newborn stage right now and set some limitations on this whole thing. Newborn stage = birth till the time they stop being snuggly and start being annoying. My guess would mean that my youngest is still technically a newborn for a few more months.

 Lucky for me, this also means that I still get to say that I “just had a baby”. “Oh, this extra padding? Well, I JUST had a baby” (3 months ago). “Yes, I’m still not adjusted to life with a NEW baby.” (After 3 months). “I’m just so exhausted because I JUST had a baby.” (3 months ago). I have every intentions of hinting that I am the exhausted, slightly chubby, stressed out brand new mom. I am milking this for all its worth, while I can. 

In a few months, I’m just another boring mother of two. Right now, I’m the mother of a new baby so I need spoiled and fawned over. Right about the time that my youngest is beyond the newborn stage, my best shot at getting special treatment is to get pregnant again. The pregnancy card is an excellent card. It gets you out of all kinds of things and then you get to play the newborn card all over again. Somehow I don’t think that my husband will accept this as an acceptable reason for having another child. 

“Honey, we cannot afford another child right now. I’m sorry that no one will be spoiling you anymore. Maybe you could make something of yourself besides just being a mom!” Just a mom? I think not. I’m about to be a single mom if he keeps saying things like make something of yourself besides just being a mom…. 

Let’s forget the fact that those words never even came out of his mouth in real life- just in my head. My imaginary argument went that way so I have every right to be mad at him, right? Hmmm….maybe he’s right though. Maybe I should make something of myself besides just being a mom. But if I focus on anything else, how will I ever win Mother of the Year? 

Maybe I should write a blog on how to become Mother of the Year? Oh, wait….already did that.

 If you like this guest blog, check out my real Mother of the Year Blog 

Thanks!