Do all women deal with this, or is it just an Ellen thing?

As a 40 year old woman, I've learned that women, girls and gay men will talk about pretty much anything.
Everything, including; beauty, love, relationships, health, cooking and sex.

I've always been a pretty open person and nothing really embarrasses me. Most of the time I don't feel uncomfortable even listening or talking about personal stuff with friends. Shit, sometimes even strangers that show an interest or brought up the subject.

Again, over the years I've heard a lot of stories or have been asked advice about problems or situations.  Most of them are just "Hey, Ellen wanna hear something gross?"  Well, of course I say hell yeah, because someone else's gross problem always makes you feel just a tiny bit better about your own gross stuff.

Friend story 
Oh my gosh, I was in the shower the other night because I thought a hot shower would break up the congestion in my chest.  I was in the shower and started coughing like crazy and all of a sudden I felt something coming up my throat.  So, I spit it out in my hand and it was phlegm as big as a golf ball!

My response:
Oh wow, bet that made you feel better!  But, I have to ask, why the hell did you spit in your hand?  You freak the fuck out when you step on a wet noodle with bare feet, but you will spit nasty brown mucus in your hand?  What did you do with it after?

Friend question:
How many times a day do you change your tampon? And, do you change it every time you pee?

My response:
I don't know how many times I change it, depends on how heavy I'm flowing that particular day. And, no I don't change it every time I pee.  Why would I?  You don't pee out of your tampon hole.

Come to find out that this friend who was in her mid 30's at the time, thought that you had to change your tampon every time you peed, because she thought that's where her pee came out of.  After I finished laughing because I thought she was joking I encouraged her to go home and take a hand mirror to her lady bit and to count the holes.  I assured her that there are 3 holes and hopefully she would save a lot more money on tampons from now on.



I had a miscarriage a couple of years ago, I was just at 12 weeks when I miscarried and I was at home.
I called a friend after I knew I passed the fetus.  I called her because she had went through a miscarriage before and I hadn't.

Friend question:
Okay, well when you passed it did you pull it out of the toilet and look at it?

My response:
Uh, Hell no!  Why the hell would I do that?  That is not something I want to see.

This particular story I had absolutely no response to, and this is the same story on how I measure grossness.  After hearing it, I swear nothing else can beat it and I think I can hear just about anything.

Friend:  My husband says my cooter stinks.
Me:  Oh well, that's not good.
Friend: I don't just mean, when his nose is down there, he said he can smell it from across the room. 
Me:  Oh I'm sure he's over reacting.
Friend:  Uh no.  Well the thing is I can smell myself too.  
Me:  ** Crickets**
Friend:  Ellen you there? 
Me:  Uh, yeah.  I'm really not sure what to say to that.  

So when ever I describe a lady's private parts as a 'Hot Pocket', this is the story I'm thinking of.  Ooey, gooey cheesy mess drooling out of itself.

One of the earliest memories I have of girl talk, I must have been about 14 years old.  I was at a friends house hanging out and my friend who was the same age decided to show me something funny.
Just so you know, I was pretty naive back then, shit I thought a virgin was a monster when I was 13. And when people would call me that, I would yell, "No, I'm not a virgin!"  Then, they would all laugh.
So, at the friends house she took off her pants, but thank god left on her underwear.  She rolled herself into a ball on her back and then started to rock back and forth.  First thing I thought was, why the hell did she take her shorts off just to excersize.  Holy shit I was wrong. After a few rocks back and forth, I heard this noise come from her bottom area that was sticking up in the air.  I thought she farted and I thought okay, I can do that without taking off my clothes and I don't even have to rock. But, it does help to lift at least one cheek.  Then she explained to me that her butt wasn't farting it was actually her cooter.  She explained that it was called a queef.  Ugh!  I was like what the fuck is that.  I had no idea that you could fart out of both holes.  For shit's sake what's wrong with the female species.  Thank god, she demonstrated over and over because that was something I wanted to master right away.  Haha, yeah right!  Now, when it happens it's certainly not something I'm proud of.  I don't get embarrassed I just thank the heavens above that it doesn't stink!!


I was at a birthday party once for a kid who's friends with my daughter. Usually, I'm bored as hell with these things, because all the mom's there are uptight and snooty.  Well, this one lady who looked like she fit the uptight profile starting talking about her college years and told me a story about how her best friend called her in a panic in the middle of the night to come help her. The friend didn't explain the problem that she needed help with so this lady just rushed over.  When she walked into her friends apartment bathroom she found her friend on all fours on the bathroom floor.  Apparently, she decided she wanted to wax her bung hole area and couldn't get the paper pulled off on her own.  The lady explained that after laughing so hard and in mild horror of seeing her friends puckered brown eye she closed her eyes and ripped that sucker off of her.

So, I guess it's really not so bad to hear peoples ooey, gooey problems. I've never had to wax anyone's turd cutter!

So, is it just me? Or do all women have to endure listening to these stories/problems.

Even, though it seems awful to listen and picture this stuff, I'm really glad to be a woman.  You know damn well men don't call each other on the phone and complain that green sludge is coming out of his dick hole.

I hope that's not something I have to hear or see EVER!!!!!

Thanks for reading.
Ellen

Is it false advertisement or just part of the 'game'?

Ahh..relationships.  Can you remember the beginning of your relationship?  All you had to do is think about the other person and that alone would put a corny smile on your face.  The butterflies fluttering around in your core are the best.  

People say they don't play games when they start a relationship, this is me take or leave it.  I used to think that too.  It's been twelve years since I met my mate and when I think back on how I acted or thought, I was playing the game! 

He always says to me, "You've changed since we first started dating."

Well, no shit!  First of all I was in my 20's with NO kids and no responsibility.  My biggest concern was what I was going to wear on Friday night to go clubbing. 

But, his biggest complaint is, that he says I liked to.. hmm, how do I say this without grossing all of you out?  Play the skin flute. I finally came clean and told him that I really don't like to do that, but I told him that I loved it.  Why?  Cause that's what guys want to hear!

I wasn't the only one who pretended to be someone I wasn't.  Chris was playing a crazy game of his own. 

We had been dating for a month or so, and I had spent the night and I had to take a shower the next day. He said, "let me clean up in there before you do."

Seriously, 45 freaking minutes later he was done.  The bathroom and shower looked spotless.  I had to wonder what it looked like before.  Ick!!

Well, now I know.  This man doesn't clean shit.  He's damn lucky I love to clean.

There are many things that happen in the first year of a relationship that seem to die off over time.

Holding hands, he used to love to hold my hand. Now, if I reach for his hand he looks at me like I'm handing him a grenade. 

Do you remember the long talks every night?  Long talks I really don't expect anymore. We live together, we know damn near everything about each other.  It's the small talk that gets me. 

I usually don't make small talk.  What I do is, if we are going out to eat I save up a few things I think may interest him and I tell him during our meal.  I do this so we don't look like one of those couples who sit there in silence while watching all the other couples around us in deep conversation.  

What did you or your spouse do or not do in the beginning?  

Give me all those juicy details.  

Thanks for reading. 

-E

Oh Yeah! That's what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell took me so long to fall in love with reading.  All those years I was staring at a T.V letting it try to entertain me.  When right there was a book that would take me to where ever I wanted to go!

I read a lot, I HAVE to read before I go to bed each night and I really look forward to it.  Since I love to read so much and I have a blog, I signed up with a company called Novel Publicity.

This is the first time I signed up for a blog tour, so I'm super excited to see how it goes.

So, I was sent an email with 3 books,  I could choose one or all to read and review.  I only chose one, because that was the only one that stood out to me.

After a solar eclipse, nineteen people were found dead in a remote area of the California National Forest. They were lying in a circle, holding hands and wearing plastic fairy wings. Years later, on the other side of the country, no one in the southern city of Jefferson is concerned about fairies or fairy-worshiping suicide cults. Except for Candy. She might not have proof, but she’s damn sure it’s going to happen again. The problem is, Candy is a coke-dealing stripper and the only person who will listen to her is an alcoholic mall Santa named Hank, who’s only listening because, well…she’s hot. There are seven days until the next eclipse.


Okay, so here is my review of this book...
When I first read the paragraph above, I thought, what the hell?!?  This shit sounds crazy as hell!  I had to know what it was all about.  The author wrote the book in first person, but each chapter is from a different characters point of view.  I thought that I would get confused with all the different characters.  But, the author did and amazing job letting you get to know each character during the story.  After a few chapters in, I knew exactly who everyone was and their personalities.  The book is described as "funny" but it really takes a lot to make me laugh.  (not that I'm an unhappy person)  To be honest, I didn't laugh out loud, but many parts made me smile.  But, hell that was just me, it may make you pee your pants.
By the end of the book, I felt so personally invested in each character and I thought, oh my god. NO!
But, there's a twist my friends!  Who doesn't love a twist?  I sure do.

Looky here.. it's a giveaway

Thanks for reading!

Holy! What happened to my "perfect" child!?

When your child is born, whether it's your 1st or 6th, you can overlook all the slimy business covering the tiny little body.  You take inventory, ten toes, ten fingers, one nose and either a wee-wee or a hoo-ha, hopefully not both.  eeek!!

You've given birth to a "perfect" baby!

The first few years go by like a flash and you look at the child and smile, so grateful you have a perfect little being.

Everyone thinks they have the most perfect child, they are so innocent how could anything on him or her be nothing but pure perfection!

I remember when my daughter was around two or three years old, and she scratched her cheek and after it healed, I noticed that it left a scar.  I literally cried because my sweet baby girl will have a scar on her perfect cheek forever.  (It ended up not scaring or she grew out of it. Who the hell knows.)


I've just recently noticed neither one of them are perfect, I'm not talking about their language or their attitudes.  I'm talking about something about them physically that makes them not so perfect.

I was staring at my daughter the other day and realized that her nostril holes are 2 different shapes.
Is that freaking weird or what?!

Maybe not so weird, I've never really stared at other peoples nostril holes before.  I can tell you what, I'm gonna start now!

My son, oh that poor kid.  He has the worst set of eyebrows I've ever seen on a child.  They are seriously out of control!  He likes to mess them up and say, "Look at me mama, I'm mad!"
You think the kids in kindergarten will notice if their new classmate has skinny eyebrows?  Hmm, probably.  Hopefully he will grow into those suckers.

Now, that I've revealed that my "perfect children" are not so physically perfect as I thought, I love them no matter if Andrew had a uni-brow or Emilie had one big nostril hole.

Thank god she doesn't though, that would be freaking scary as hell.

When did you realize that your children weren't as perfect as you thought they were?  Or are your eyes still clouded by just being able to produce other human beings?  If so, don't worry you'll see them soon.

Thanks for reading

Damn! Now I feel old!!

I just heard on the news this morning that today is the 25th anniversary of the World Wide Web!
What the hell?!?  That shit makes me feel so old!

Why you say?

Well, because I will be 40 years old in May and I can remember what life was like before the WWW.

It didn't really hit me until one day we came home and there was something on our doorstep, my daughter who is 10 got super excited because she thought we got a present.

"Uh, Emilie, that's not a present.  That's what you call a phone book."

It was one of those mini phone books.  She was in awe, because she never heard of such a thing!

She scooped it up and brought it inside and dove right in.

"Mommy, are these people's actual phone numbers?"

"Yes, Emilie they sure are."

I proceeded to tell her a story that phone books when I was growing up were way bigger and when I had a sleepover, me and my girlfriends used to open it up and randomly pick a number and prank call someone.

After I explained what a prank call was she jumped up and down and insisted we do that too.

"Oh hell no, baby girl!  There is something called caller id now and they would know who was calling them."

Ahh, life before caller id.  (makes me smile)

The phone book isn't the only thing I remember having as a kid.  Can you actually believe that I learned how to type on a typewriter?  Yep! Fortunately it was an electric one!

I know damn well, my daughter wouldn't know what white out is either!  Is there any use for that anymore?

In high school, I think in my junior maybe senior year, our school finally got "Computer Class."  I got to learn how to use a computer.  Without a mouse!  There was no such thing back then. Well, at least not at our school.  You actually had to press a button, I think F5 to save your work.

And, we saved it on a floppy disk!  It wasn't till after I graduated and got my first office job in 1995 that I was able to save my work on a Hard disk!  Wow!

I also remember asking my mom for help on my homework, and she would refer me to the Encyclopedia's in the living room.

"I didn't pay all that money for those damn books, for you not to use them!"  She used to say every time, because I was too lazy to get up.

Now, you can just "Google" something and boop, there's your answer!

Oh my, who remembers what a card catalog is at the library?  Betcha, a shit ton of people don't.

How long has it been since you had to use a pay phone?  And, good freaking luck finding one!!
This is back when you actually memorized everyone's phone number.  And if you didn't you just looked in the phone book that was attached to the phone booth.

I'm not even gonna go into records, cassette or VHS tapes!

Even, though all of this makes me feel ancient, I'm also so happy that I had the privilege to grow up when you actually had to use a map to find your way.  I think my generation has the best of both worlds.

If shit falls apart tomorrow and there is no more Internet or cell phones we will know how to survive!  These 20 year old kids they will be walking around the streets like zombies.  Not talking to anyone, because without cell phone to text someone they have no idea how to actually communicate with anyone!

Yay, 40 I'm ready for ya now!

Thanks for reading,