Don't feed the Trolls!

When we moved here, I knew one person a good friend, Kyley.   I was very nervous about moving away from friends and family.  I was even more nervous for my daughter Emilie.  She would only know one person as well, my good friends’ daughter.

Before we moved, my friend Kyley asked me if I wanted to sign Emilie up for Girl Scouts.  I immediately said yes, I thought it would be a great way for her to meet new people outside of what would be her new class.
Also, maybe I could meet a few new people myself, other Mom’s, makes perfect sense right?

Oh boy how I was so damn wrong!

We went to meeting after meeting, where all the girls sat around table and listened to the leader (who I will be referring to her as the troll) talk.

She would talk about how Girl Scouts were founded and the promise they had to memorize.  They would sit and color pictures while the troll would make smores in her oven.  I would watch Emilie as she sat at her table looking bored out of her mind, wondering why she is being treated like a preschooler.  She would color, she would do everything asked of her.

Emilie is a very shy girl and she doesn't like to talk in front of other people.  Sometimes the troll would call on Emilie to answer a question that she asked.  Emilie would immediately freeze and I could see the tears forming in her eyes terrified that she had to talk in front of others.  I would notice that the troll would roll her eyes when this would happen.
I never said anything; I know I can’t keep my sweet little shy, stuttering girl in a bubble forever.

The troop decided to join the counsel on a camping trip.  I agreed Emilie would go, granted she has never gone camping before.  She’s never even been inside a tent before.  I know she would have a great time.
The camping trip would consist of sleeping there for 2 nights.
Hmm. This causes a slight problem for me.   I can only spend the night one night.  (Mind you, I gladly paid for both nights)  I let the troll know that I had a toddler at home that I've never spent the night away before. A toddler who freaks out when I leave to go to the bathroom.  Chris is a great Father, but he’s not the Mommy.  I decided that Emilie could go for both nights because I trusted my friend Kyley to make sure she would be okay without me.  Emilie has always been fine spending the night with out me.

I let the troll know that I would only be spending one night with them.  I would come on Saturday early afternoon, spend the night, help the troop clean up, and leave on Sunday.  I thought it was an okay plan, Emilie was fine with it.  Kyley was fine with it, even the troll had nothing to say.  Win, win!

Fast forward, to the dreaded cookie selling time. God, I dreaded this part of this organization.  I hate selling things.  When we had our meeting, I made it very clear that the only people I know in this town are the ladies in our troop.  Who the hell would I sell these cookies too?  They certainly aren't going to buy my cookies they have a shit ton of their own to sell.

I managed to sell 2 boxes to Emilie’s teacher.  Because, I had only sold 2 boxes, I agreed to do 2 cookie booths even though I was only required to do one.  I felt bad because I didn’t sell any cookies.  Even the co-leader did at least 3 booths herself.
The troll, because she can’t do anything by herself she only did 1 booth, even though she was supposed to do more.  It is her troop right??
She through a fit because Kyley the co-leader did her 3 booths and didn't want to do anymore and she was busy that specific weekend.  So troll didn't do her booth because she didn't get her way.

Can I remind you that the Mom’s in this troop are adults all over the age of 25.

Our last meeting troll announced the troop would be using our earned cookie money to go to Nickelodeon Hotel for a weekend.  The girls would still have to pay money to go, it was originally $15 and bring a snack to contribute.  And the Mom’s would have to pay something too.  Okay, I was fine with that.  At the same meeting troll handed out the left over cookies that weren't sold to all the girls and told them that if they weren't sold they couldn't go to the trip.

Really?!?   I told the troll, well I will try, but we live in an apartment complex and most of the people I've seen are kind of sketchy and I don’t want my daughter or myself walking up to strange people begging them to buy our cookies.

I started with 12 boxes cookies to sell and I managed to sell 4 boxes to the stoner who lives across from me.

“Dude, these lemon cookies are sooooo good.” he would pay with a shit load of sweaty quarters.

Then, I heard through the girl scout grapevine that the troll had said to 2 different people that I didn't deserve to go on the trip. She said I didn't deserve to go, not Emilie.  She said this for 2 reasons..

First reason is that I didn't sell enough cookies, the person she said this too stuck up for me saying well, she told you she didn't know anyone here and she did 2 cookie booths.  Troll, said, cookies booths don’t count for shit!! This person also said, well I didn't sell any cookies either.
The troll responded, well that’s okay for you.

Second reason is, I didn't spend 2 nights at the camping trip when the other parents did.  Even though she knew damn well why I wasn't and she was fine with it a month before.  Not all the parents went on the camping trip.  They dropped their kids off Friday night and hauled ass.
There were like 9 or 10 girls and 4 adults.

Troll sent out text messages asking who was all going to the Nick Hotel, I replied simply, “Emilie and I will not be going.”  She of course replied. Oh, no! That stinks!..

I let it go, I wasn't in the mood to fight with a troll.

She kept bugging Kyley about why I wasn't going.  Kyley would respond, “I don’t know ask Ellen.”
I waited for the text that never came.
I let Kyley know if she asks you again tell her exactly why I’m not going.

She told her and of course the troll denied it.  (This isn't the first time she talked behind parents back) I knew her track record over these last few months.

I finally got a text from the troll explaining that I might have heard some rumor that was going around.  I replied, that yes I had heard the rumor from 2 different people who have no reason to lie about it.  I told her I was done with her troop, that I was too old to deal with bullshit like this.
And, finally that the only thing that my daughter learned from being in her troop was how to scream at others and to roll her eyes. “Thanks for the experience.”

Of course, Kyley’s phone was blowing up all night about it.  To which the Girl Scout troll told her that I could just “Fuck off.”

Wow, she certainly has a way with words.
Every time I have to see her the song from Dora is playing in my head.

♪♪"I'm the grumpy old troll who lives under the bridge.♪♪

I did though, meet one other Mom that I now consider a friend. She actually sold a butt-load of cookies and “deserves” to go on the trip.  I’m sure my ears will be ringing or burning whatever ears do when people are talking about them that weekend.

I think I will sign Emilie up for soccer or dance next year.

Thanks for reading.
xoxo

Two-Takes Exchange.. Take Two

Hello, Readers. Tis I, Aubree...again...back for another 

Two-Take Exchange with Bad Word Mama

. 

Just in case you need a quick preface, here's the lowdown of how this works: each week, or every other week, or monthly, or whatever, Ellen and I will take turns choosing an image. We will then share the image with the other and will write up individual "takes," describing how the image inspired or moved us. Neither of us will know in what direction the other is going until we make the swap and publish them 

(I will publish her "take" on my blog, and vice versa).

So, below is my take on this week's image. 

You can find Ellen's respective post over on The Basement walls.

 We hope you enjoy our two-takes.

Drum roll, please......... 

Dear God: 

I will try to make this brief b/c I know you are a super busy God(dess), and you probably have a whole lot of prayers to try to get around to answering, not to mention all the world dilemmas and grotesque issues of humanity that need to be addressed; and of course, there is all the smiting that needs to get done (I added another name to my "please smite" list, if you have any extra smiting time); also, there is that spider-monkey-gorilla-ant thing that just got added to the "endangered list," so I'll try to make this brief...

As you know, things have been really hard for us financially over the last two years. As a result, we've had to recently make the decision to downgrade our toilet paper, so I am basically begging you to PLEASE make one of two things happen: bring the price of Charmin w/ Aloe way down, OR please help our buttholes toughen up without having to endure the whole "wait until the callouses form" stage.

Secondly, my constipation grows worse with every passing moment. I have sent numerous letters to the Pope and Homeland Security, but they continue to ignore me. PLEASE help me prevent the irrevocable world-wide catastrophe that is pretty much guaranteed to occur when these fecal demons are finally released into our sewage and water systems (our house is not on a septic tank...as you know, b/c you are God and you know everything). 

It is no longer a question of "if;" it is only a question of "when." Please save the innocent.

As you also probably know, there are terrorists hanging out in the trees behind my house waiting to descend upon me and steal me away, so as to harness the power that is incubating in my butt (and growing stronger everyday). This is getting serious, God. *I know I have made mistakes about things stalking me in the past as a result of my paranoid delusions, but I am CERTAIN that this is way different than the time I was certain that a three-headed goose was living under my bed. I don't mean to tell you how to do things, bc you're God and all, but I think you should let that one slide. I was, after all, only 34 years old.*

And finally, God: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE bring back Jello Pudding Pops.

Amen.

Calling all Cooks...

It's no secret to my friends that I hate to cook. I loathe it. If I could afford to eat out every single meal I would!

Before I had children and lived on my own, I would live off of fast food or corn-dogs and mac n cheese.

Now, I have 2 little people always complaining they are hungry! UGH!!
(Really, you just ate umm... 5 hours ago, I'm not hungry why are you?)

Chris is an amazing cook, and he suggested I watch the cooking shows maybe that would teach me something and give me inspiration.  I watched those damn shows for years and they did nothing but make me hungry.

I lack imagination, Chris can take any 3 ingredients and make a freaking meal out of it.
"See Ellen, was that so hard? You could have done that!"
"Oh hush and give me my plate!" That's usually my reply to that comment.

I don't understand how people can even want to stand in the kitchen hunched over a pot, pan or a counter for any amount of time.  I get bored too easily.

Don't get me wrong I cook, but I have my go to dishes, easy shit like.

Mac n Cheese
Hot Dogs
BBQ Chicken in the crock pot (my kids won't eat it anymore I made it too many times)
Tacos
Frozen Pizza (yes, that counts I had put it in the over and cut the shit up)

I lack love and tenderness when it comes to cooking.

And, my kids are so damn picky! Yep, I'm going there I'm blaming the kids. Why should I cook anything that they either refuse or piss and moan about it.

The only things the kids will eat is chicken. I'm out of ideas...
So, I'm calling all cooks and people with picky kids to please, please help me!!
I'm on my knees here... believe you me, I do not get on my knees often!  ;)

I'm taking suggestions here, recipes (nothing too hard).. website to refer me too.

I don't expect to fall in love with cooking, just something to keep the kids from bitching and moaning.

Thanks in advance!
xoxo

Post request..

I had a post request from Therese over at You're Doing it Wrong.  I freaking love her blog, she makes me actually laugh out loud!  I had to edit this really quick. Therese wrote a post named Bag of Dicks.. just the title made me snort!!!

She asked me to write a post about the differences of my children because my oldest went to daycare while I worked, and my youngest stays home with me.

This request was brought on from one of my posts... Touchy Feely.

When I wrote the post above, I hadn't actually thought about the differences in my children.
So thanks Therese, you made me think!  That usually doesn't end well for anyone involved. ;)

After, a few ibuprofen from analyzing my children this is what I came up with.

So, after I had my daughter who is now 9 years old, she started daycare at 3 months old.
My kids are five and half years apart, so when my son was born Chris and I decided where we could afford for me to stay home with him.

Manners
Normally, when a child goes to daycare or any type of school, the are taught manners.  Schools in Florida seem to be very strict when it comes to manners.  The first time my daughter came home and addressed me as ma'am, I almost popped her in the mouth.  I HATE that term!!!  It makes me feel old.  I explained to her that she does not need to answer me yes or no ma'am.  She gladly agreed.  I'm not sure why people in the south feel like that's good manners.  She's has had adults in the past, scold her for not answering them with ma'am! WTF. People!! Nope, not my kid. You better be happy she's answering your ass at all!!

She now has a problem with saying, "Please, Thank you, Excuse me."  She either won't say it at all or if I correct her she gets major attitude with me about it. What the hell, she used to have manners, what the hell happened to them.

My son who is 3, says Thank you, Please and all that jazz.  If I hand him something he will say "Thank you Mama."  and if I don't say anything  he will say. "Mama, say Your Welcome!."  I didn't need to brainwash him into saying these terms.  I guess he just listens and learns.

Out-going vs. Shy

My daughter is just like me when I was her age. Very, very shy! I wouldn't talk to anyone first.
I've come out of my shell as I've gotten older.  Here's an example of her personality.
I was in Walmart with the kids a few weeks ago, I was in the deodorant aisle.  I was trying to pick out a nice sexy scent for Chris. I saw a younger man doing the same thing.  So, I offered him a coupon on one the brands he was eyeing. It was a really good coupon and he would get the product for less than a $1!
He took the coupon and thanked me.  After we walked away, Emilie said. "Mommy, why did you just talk to that man, you didn't even know him."  I told her, "Well, I was helping him. And how are you going to meet new people if you never talk to them?"

My son, on the other hand... when I take the kids to the playground, he will make friends with any of the boys he sees running around! He will stalk those kids until they acknowledge his presence.  He is not shy at all.  He will wave and say hi to anyone around.
Emile will look at him like he has 3 heads because he is able to walk up to a new kid and say "Hi, wanna play?"  (Thank god, he doesn't say, "Wanna Play Doctor: anymore!)  J/K!!! HAHA!

I want Mommy!

Like I said in the Touchy Feely post, Andrew is up my butt at all times. Except at the playground.
I seriously can't even go to the store by myself with out him throwing a full blow tantrum like I'm leaving him forever!  He will stand there and kick and bang the door until Chris picks him up and tries to calm him down. Because, Chris doesn't have as much patience as I do, that usually ends with one of two ways.. boy bribed with candy to quit crying. Or, sent to his room to watch T.V with candy!

It's taken 3 long years to get him to even go somewhere with Chris without me. Even when that happens, he orders me to stay.  "Mommy, you stay here I go with Daddy."  I guess he does that so he knows where I will be.

Emilie, I assume because she went to daycare she is okay with it.  She never through fits because I was going somewhere without her.

It makes it tough for me though. I feel so guilty because he's so upset when I leave.


Independence

Now this just confuses me!

Emilie seems to need help with anything and everything.  Brushing her hair, getting her towels for the shower, putting her clothes away, making her bed, finding her a snack.. I could seriously go on and on. Everything I listed above is stuff she can do by herself and she's done them all herself before!  I think she just gets into a mood and wants to piss me off too.

Andrew, he doesn't want me to help him with anything.  He will climb on counters to get what he wants. Then gets mad at me when I help him. "I do it by myself Mama!"
Like most men, I'm sure that independence will end when he hits puberty!


Shit, I'm so confused now.. see what happens when I have to analyze things?  I have no idea why one acts one way and the other acts the other.  I'm not sure if it is because I stay home with one and didn't with the other. Or, maybe it's just their personality!

I try to parent the same way with both, but they are 2 different people so that's impossible sometimes.
Although, bribing with candy works on both!!

Thanks for reading
xoxo

Touchy Feely...

My youngest Andrew is 3 years old, he will be 4 in July.  When he was born we decided that I could stay home with him.  I wasn't able to do that with my daughter.

I can't believe how different these children are I think because I worked with one and stayed home with the other.

Em, my oldest who is 9 years old has never liked to cuddle not even when she was a toddler.

Andrew, my youngest, OH MY GOD.. he seriously has to be up my butt at all times.

He has to sit next to me when I'm sitting, he has to lay with me when I'm laying.

When laying in my bed while I'm giving him a nap, he has to cuddle.
"Can I cuddle you Mama?"  he asks every single day.

I show him tons of affection, but I've never been a person who likes to cuddle.

I'm sitting here right now in my recliner writing this and he's next to me with his little arm around my neck.

"Andrew, why do you have to touch me all the time?"
"Cause, I love you Mama."

Yes, it melts my heart, but shit.. he's like a freaking furnace!!!  He makes me sweat.

He pokes, squeezes, knocks and caresses my arms, legs and head any chance he can get.

Anyone else have a little one attached them at all times??

Thanks for reading
xoxo