To believe or not to believe?

I grew up in a catholic family, where I was required to attend first communion, confirmation.
Go to church every Sunday and pretend to listen to the old man dressed in gowns.

I've always believed in God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost.

I try to live my life without much sin, the big one's really. No killing, cheating and stuff like that.
I do believe I will go to heaven when I pass.

I never really prayed until I had children, I mostly say my night time prayers which include keeping my children safe, happy and healthy.

Until just recently, I've been thinking about my life and my children's life.
I feel like our life is upside down right now and I need guidance of some sort.
I have never asked God for silly things, like money.

Money and success is something that you make yourself.

Well, right now I feel like I'm out of options.  I can't just sit back impatiently waiting for the cash to roll in.
So, I've asked God in a not so selfish way to please help our family from the horrible time we are going through right now.

I've prayed more in the last month than ever.  Still no answer!

I was told to just ask once and then thank him for listening.

So I asked, then I thanked him for listening.. but did he really hear me? Because, I'm still waiting!

We are selling our very last things just to live!

So, do I believe in what people call faith?  Or, is it up to each of us to make our own destiny?
I'm a ticking time bomb.. something inside me will explode.. my head, my heart, my patience!

I can sit here and say, that's it I'm gonna stop asking.  But, I'm so desperate for a miracle I have to keep asking, begging for mercy.

Hopefully, this will be my last depressing post, well at least for a while.

Thanks for reading
xoxo

The cat fight within

There is a cat fight within a vessel, the soul is confused to whom will win the battle.

The loving muscle, nestled deep inside is pumping with life and sadness, it's screaming for release.

The intellect is strong and mighty, determined to win the battle. 

The warm salty liquid up to the brim, but just like the tide goes back in. 

The mentality is certain that the outcome will be in her favor, it pushes back the tears and tries to convince the muscle to listen to reason.  

Why does the loving muscle tremor with fear?

The soul knows that the fragile heart will win this battle, the tears will fall.  But, the intellect will prevail and lead the vessel in the right direction. 

Week one update....

Well, it's been a week since we moved from my home town.  The day we moved my sister, her daughters, Chris' sister came over to help us load up the truck.  It was a nice day, until we slammed the Uhaul door closed, then the tears started to flow. I really didn't think I would be upset when I left.  But, when I saw my sister cry (which she doesn't do often) I broke down. What I really got me was leaving my nieces, I was there for both of their births and have been a huge part of my life. I always told Chris that I would never leave my hometown while my Mom was still alive.  The last couple years of her life, she lived with me and my family.  She did pass away October 2011.

So, we said our goodbyes, Chris and Emilie rode in the Uhaul and Andrew and I rode in our truck.
I decided to call my friend Shirley and tell her that we were on our way out of town.  She didn't answer and I started to leave a voice mail.  All of a sudden it hit me and I could no longer understand what the hell I was saying.  I was so upset I cursed and hung up the phone.

Two and a half hours later, we arrive in Palm Bay.  I looked around nervous that I know I'm going to get lost so easy in this place. The first thing I noticed was palm trees everywhere... I grew up with palm trees in my yard so of course they are no big thing to me.  But, they look so cheesy and touristy.

Until we can save up enough money with Chris' new job, we will be staying with my friend Kyley and her family.  It's not easy living with another family, not really having  your own space.  But, I am very grateful that they are so welcoming to invite us into their home.

A couple days after we arrived, my son who is 3.. whined to me that he wants to go home. I tried to explain to him, that this is our home for now. When I heard his little voice and confusion, it made me very upset.  I did try to explain to him before we moved what will happen. But shit he's 3!!!
It's like explaining to a dog before he goes to the vet to get his business removed.

After speaking with him about where our home is now, and we won't be going back where we came from, it made me very sad and homesick myself.  I couldn't help but wonder if we made a mistake by coming here.

Chris and I both wanted to make a change in our lives, a fresh start with out people around us with so much drama and negativity.  It's easy considering we only know Kyley and her husband.

Our second day here, we were all going out to breakfast, when I realized that I couldn't find my 12 year old Chihuahua.  I frantically ran around the house and outside. I decided we should walk up the sidewalk and look for him. As we are calling out his name, to a dog who I believe is going deaf. A lady from across the street calls me over.  She found him in her yard. She had already called Animal Control.  So I had to get on the phone with Animal Control and promise them that I would get a chip put into my dog.

I enrolled Emilie in her new school, by the way seems much more different than any school in Marion County. This school is laid back, the kids are allowed to actually play on the playground.  Emilie informed me after we moved that she hasn't played on the playground at her school since she was in the 1st grade.  Sorry, that is just weird to me!!  Also, she is allowed to bring snack into class. She is also allowed to erase her mistakes!!!!
 I was curious to what they were teaching as far as math.  From what I've seen from Em's homework, the 2 counties are basically in the same area.  I was really worried that they would be ahead of her old school.

What I love about this area is, everything is so close.  I could walk to Winn Dixie if I wanted to.  I don't think I will ever want to walk there tho!  (not much of a walker)
A movie theater, Carrabbas, so far I've seen like 3 Walmart's in a five mile radius.
Lastly, the inter coastal is only maybe 10 minutes away!!!!!
You can smell the salt in the air no matter where you go, there is always a nice breeze.
I can really see us staying here for a long time.

So, that is basically what happened in the last week.. nothing too dramatic.. THANK GOD!!

Thanks for reading
xoxo

The whirlwind I call my life...

My life feels so hectic right now.  We are in the process of packing and moving 3 hours south to Palm Bay.  Emilie will have to start a new school so early in the year already.  I've been forced to stop taking my "nice mommy pill."  UGH!!!

Emilie cries everyday saying she doesn't want to go to school.  She hates her teacher.  She states that the teacher yells at her. I know my daughter, and I doubt very seriously that the teacher is yelling at her.

Emilie is so sensitive, I can give her the "eye" and she will cry.  So, this morning on our walk to the bus stop, I tried to explain to her that the 3rd grade is harder than the previous grades.  The older you get the harder the work gets and the teacher won't treat you like babies anymore.  Then she tell me, I like when they treat me like a baby. (Really) I asked her.. Emilie do I treat you like a baby?  And she answers YES!
I told her, well then I guess there are some changes that need to be made.

I really don't feel like I treat her like a baby.  I do choose my battles. The important things I do enforce.
Bedtime, showers, brushing teeth, homework, cleaning up after herself and her room. She does all of this most of the time without a fight.  So my question to all of you is: What the hell else do I do??
I've noticed that when a few of Emilie's close friends come over to play, that they all act older and more mature than Emilie.  I've chalked it up to, they all have older siblings.  Emilie is the oldest child in our house.
But, I guess I'm wrong, maybe she's emotional immature.
Maybe, I do baby her.. I just don't see it, maybe I'm too close to the situation.  So all of you who do know me, here's your chance.. tell me what you think I can do to improve and what you think I'm doing wrong.
Those of you who don't know me personally, all and any advice is welcomed!!!

With that said, I realized today is the 12 year anniversary of my best friend's death.  I can't believe 12 years have gone by so quickly and how much my life has changed.

Sometimes, I do feel like she's with me.  Maybe that's why it feels like it was just yesterday, we were together laughing and shopping.  It's taken me close to 10 years, but I have made friends who have filled that void in my heart.
I miss her like crazy and I will NEVER forget her!!

I know everything I've mentioned above probably doesn't sound like anything to complain or stress out about.  But, remember my "Chill pill" is no longer in my system.

Thanks for reading
xoxo

Moving... out of my comfort zone

Recently, Chris was offered a new job 3 hours south of where we live now.
After A LOT of thought, we've decided to uproot and move to Palm Bay.

I am starting to FREAK OUT!!

I was born in New Jersey, but moved here when I was 1 year old.  We lived in the same house until my dad died.  I've lived in the same town my whole life (well since I was one.)

I'm not afraid of change, I actually like change.  I'm a Gemini , so I'm pretty fickle.

But, moving away from my close friends, my sister and my nieces is going to be really hard for me.

What is really getting to me is, moving to a whole new town where I have no idea where I am.

I seriously get lost at the flea market!  I have a horrible sense of direction.

Thank god for GPS!

I'm also very excited to start fresh where no one knows me.  Not that I will re-invent myself, cause I love my smart ass attitude.  But the idea is fun.


Luckily I have a really good friend who we will be staying with for a bit, until we can find our own place.
So I will know one person there.  That helps with my anxiety a little.


We will also be very, very close the the beach.  I've always wanted to live close the the ocean.  Except during hurricane season.  Which we are right in the middle of now.

So, for the next 2 weeks, I will be packing, packing, packing.  And those of you who know me, you know that's one of my favorite things to do.  :)

Thanks for reading
xoxo