Coochy Juice (No, it's not what you're thinking, you sicko!)

The Bloggess isn't the only one who has unusual and stupid conversations with her friends or husband.  We probably all do, well people with a sense of humor.

Since nothing really embarrasses me, I like to use my sick sense of humor to embarrass or horrify others.

Below is an actual phone conversation I had with my friend the other day. She was by herself at Kmart shopping for something.  She decided to call me and talk me through her shopping event.  I have to live through other people's lives, since I hardly ever get out of the house by myself.



Friend:  Hey, whatcha' doing?
Me:  Just reading, what are you up to?
Friend:  I'm at Kmart picking up hemorrhoid cream for my boyfriend.
Okay, she really didn't say that, but in my mind, that's what she was getting. 
Me:  That's cool
Friend:  Oh my god they have the Taylor Swift perfume on sale for $10!  Didn't Emilie want that for Christmas?
Me:  Yeah, but I didn't get it because it was $30 before Christmas. I'm not paying that much for a 9 year old.
Friend:  Wow, they have all the perfumes on sale.  Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Halle Berry.
Me:  Halle Berry?!?  She has her own perfume?  What the hell. I need to make my own!  I think I would name it Coochy Juice.
Friend:  WHAT!!!
Me:  Would you wear my perfume?  (giggle, giggle)
Friend was saying something but I couldn't hear because I was laughing too hard at myself.
Chris:  What the hell are you saying?  Are you asking her if she would wear your coochy juice?
Me:  Chris would you wear my perfume?
Chris:  I've worn it, I don't think you should bottle that scent!  (Hee-Hee)
Me:  What the shit! Not nice ass-licker! Why are you listening to my conversation anyway?
Chris:  Because you are sitting right next to me. Go somewhere else and talk that nonsense.
Me:  It's not actually the smell of cooter's dumb ass. It's just the name of the perfume. SMFH!
Friend:  (Laughing) Ellen you say the weirdest stuff!
Me:  Well, someone has to say them!
Friend:  Well, I gotta go before I get to the cream aisle and you start talking about that too.
She didn't say that either, but again in my mind she still had to go get her boyfriends bung hole cream.

So, if I made my own perfume and named it "Coochy Juice" it would be in a cute bottle with this amazing pic of myself on the front.

Thanks for reading and Happy New Year!!

My New Year's Resolution

Hey all, I know it's been a while since I've written a post, but before I give you my lame-ass excuse for not writing first I want to talk about my new year's resolution.

I normally don't make resolutions, because I have absolutely no will power and I never, ever keep them.

But, if I do make a resolution or a promise to myself, I try to make it small so that if and when I fail it won't be a big deal.  I know I'm just setting myself up for failure.  Yeah, who the shit cares!

Come next August I will hopefully be returning to the work force and I won't be able to sit on my ass all day watching "The Price is Right."  I know I will regret not using my free time for something I really, really want to accomplish.

My New Year's Resolution this year is to finally finish the book I've been working on. I'm embarrassed to say how long I've been working on it.  Umm, so I won't.  Ha Ha.

I'm also going to try to write my blog more often.

So you want to hear my lame-ass excuse for not writing my blog?  Well, too damn bad, I'm gonna tell you anyway.

There are a number of reasons actually:
I've been non stop reading
Kicking some Candy Crush Ass
Cleaning like and OCD freak
Napping

So there you go, that's what's been so damn important.  Actually, it is very important for me to be inspired by something to be able to write about it.  A day doesn't go by that I don't think about my blog and what I should write about.  But, the way I see it is, if I'm not interested in writing about it, why would someone want to read it.

Because of my bullshit, I've lost quite a few readers, which is okay I guess.  I don't like waiting on people either.

So, do you make resolutions?  If so, do you keep them?

Thanks for reading,

"Meet my friend Squidward"

My son Andrew is obsessed with SpongeBob Square Pants show.  To be honest, that's really the only cartoon I can stand to sit and watch.  I never realized how much my son pays attention to the shows he's watching.  Well, until he did something that, uh I was totally speechless.

This made me wonder what other T.V shows have going on.

Rabbids

Patrick from Spongebob

Rug Rats

Adventure Time

These are just a few I found, that I know my kids watch.  Are you wondering what brought all this on?

I was getting Andrew out of the shower, when he said to me:  "Hey Mama, meet my new friend Squidward."

He pushed his pelvis area out while he introduced me to Squidward.

Come to find out, when he looks down at his kibbles and bits he sees this:

Squidward from SpongeBob

After much laughter from me and trying to get him to stop making his Squidward from flopping around while Andrew jumped on the bed, I wondered what else he sees while he's watching T.V.  I did a little research and come to find out there is a lot!

So, I have a battle to choose here,  do I not let him watch T.V anymore?  

Hell NO!!!  I don't think I can handle that.

Now, before you judge my parenting skills, they both know that many of the words they hear on these shows they aren't allowed to say.  Andrew will hear someone from SpongeBob say "stupid or dumb."

He will say  "Oooh Mama, Mr Crabs just said a bad word."  So I'm not really that worried. 

Who cares that he named his penis, most men do that anyway right? 

Do many men talk to them too?  Hmm.. maybe I should talk to him about that. 

Thanks for reading.

Important skills my children teach each other

When you have kids you know that they will teach each other things.  When dreamed about having kids I thought they would teach each other how to play, share and just have a good life together.

Well, I guess Im an idiot for dreaming or thinking like a shit hole. 

My daughter is 5 and a half years older than my son, she really plays really good with him, most of the time.

Although, she has taught him one important task that she deems a very valuable life skill.
Since Andrew has been about 3 years old hes a pro at any iPhone app there is.
Oh no, she doesnt teach him learning games, he MUST learn how to play Minion Rush, Wheres Perry or some version of that game.  And, virtual makeover and 50 different ways to make corn dogs and cotton candy. 

Even though she's the oldest, he teaches her so many things too!

He goes beyond technology, he schools her on a couple things about anatomy.

Recently she learned that when Andrew does naked jumping jacks his weenie is able to bounce around too.  I personally find this next one fascinating, although she doesn't agree, but it amazing he's able to pee while scratching his ass with both hands. 

The main thing she has learned that I guess would fall under anatomy would be that we actually do have a butt hole.  She assumed this knowledge after Andrew's naked jumping jack session.  I guess when he's done with that he likes to finish off with him pointing his butt toward his sister, bend over and spreads them wide!!

When she saw that she looked at me terrified while of course I laughed.

Emilie:  Mommy, did you just see that?
Me:  Yeah, funny huh?
Emilie:  He has a hole down there!
Me:  Um, yes Im aware of that.  Its called a butthole.  Every one has one.
Emilie:  (stares at me like I just told her she was adopted)  Really?  I thought we just had a crack. But there is an actual hole there!!!
Me:  (My turn to stare at her with no comment)
Andrew:  Yes Sissy, see butt hole!  (bends over again)

After I got Andrew dressed I went into Emile's room and broke the news to her that she has a special hole just for peeing.  I didn't tell her about the other hole.. hope she doesn't find it on her own, she will really freak the hell out!!

The last lesson that they have taught each other is the most important farting.

No, they didnt teach each other how to fart, that comes naturally.
Emilie taught Andrew how to fart and walk the same time.  He mastered that in no time, and then he uped the ante...

Now they both know how to run and fart.  Andrew insists he sounds like a "big, shiny racing boat."  Emilie disagrees and says that he sounds like a pontoon boat. 

Either way, I guess I should be proud that they play well together and have a good farting time doing it!

Thanks for reading

Still holding on....

I see you from across the room, our eyes meet.  I see love in your eyes, I see hate in your eyes.
I don't care, at least you can see me this time.  It feels like eternity how long I have to wait to see your face again.

It takes me no time to run across that white room to feel your skin again.  You don't pull away like you do sometimes.

I know our encounter is a dream, but I hold onto it for as long as I can.  Every time I pray for another minute with you.

As we embrace, I don't understand why I still carry your soul with me.

When our loving embrace ends you look into my eyes and without saying a word, it's time for you to go.

I'm sick of letting you go, when will our paths cross again?

My heart breaks every time we have to say goodbye.

I always turn away from you when you're fading, I can't stand to see you leave me.

I can still feel your presence "I will see you soon, I always do."  I whisper.

Thanks for reading,