Since nothing really embarrasses me, I like to use my sick sense of humor to embarrass or horrify others.
Below is an actual phone conversation I had with my friend the other day. She was by herself at Kmart shopping for something. She decided to call me and talk me through her shopping event. I have to live through other people's lives, since I hardly ever get out of the house by myself.
Friend: Hey, whatcha' doing?
Me: Just reading, what are you up to?
Friend: I'm at Kmart picking up hemorrhoid cream for my boyfriend.
Okay, she really didn't say that, but in my mind, that's what she was getting.
Me: That's cool
Friend: Oh my god they have the Taylor Swift perfume on sale for $10! Didn't Emilie want that for Christmas?
Me: Yeah, but I didn't get it because it was $30 before Christmas. I'm not paying that much for a 9 year old.
Friend: Wow, they have all the perfumes on sale. Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Halle Berry.
Me: Halle Berry?!? She has her own perfume? What the hell. I need to make my own! I think I would name it Coochy Juice.
Me: Would you wear my perfume? (giggle, giggle)
Friend was saying something but I couldn't hear because I was laughing too hard at myself.
Chris: What the hell are you saying? Are you asking her if she would wear your coochy juice?
Me: Chris would you wear my perfume?
Chris: I've worn it, I don't think you should bottle that scent! (Hee-Hee)
Me: What the shit! Not nice ass-licker! Why are you listening to my conversation anyway?
Chris: Because you are sitting right next to me. Go somewhere else and talk that nonsense.
Me: It's not actually the smell of cooter's dumb ass. It's just the name of the perfume. SMFH!
Friend: (Laughing) Ellen you say the weirdest stuff!
Me: Well, someone has to say them!
Friend: Well, I gotta go before I get to the cream aisle and you start talking about that too.
She didn't say that either, but again in my mind she still had to go get her boyfriends bung hole cream.
So, if I made my own perfume and named it "Coochy Juice" it would be in a cute bottle with this amazing pic of myself on the front.
Thanks for reading and Happy New Year!!