Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Slobber Monkey

WARNING!!!
This post contains adult humor and sexual content. If you are a prude who does not like to read or talk about sex please exit this post now.  










You're in the middle of a love fest, okay I wouldn't really use the word love. But, you get the idea.

You are vulnerable an free of inhibition.  Sometimes shit happens, well hopefully not literally shit. Although, if that makes your fur burger greasy good for you. (I guess)

There are numerous noises that happen when you are bumping uglies.  Embarrassing as all that can be, I'm talking about something that makes you grunt and not out of pleasure.

Flat on your back and you feel something wet on your chest.  Opening your eyes and you see him working like a dirty old dog.


Ick! What the fuck was that? Hmm, maybe it was his sweat, feels like he's trying to drill for oil down there.

Wiping the wet spot from your chest and you're about to close your eyes and try to get your mind back to business.  Although, you see it , it's coming right for you.  It feels like it's all happening in slow motion but you're stuck. You are trapped under this gorilla with no where to go!

PLOP.. right on your chest.

Holy Shit! He just drooled.

What do you do?  Pretend it didn't happen and let him finish drilling your tunnel hoping he finds the good stuff?

<<Tap on his shoulder>>

"Um, excuse me, can you close your mouth?  I feel like I'm drowning down here!"



This poke party is over!!

Needless to say, that was the last time I saw that slobber monkey.



This is a true story, that I found hilarious (well not at the time, it did a number on my gag reflex) I didn't post it to offend anyone, hence the multiple warnings at the beginning.  If you are a fan of Bad Word Mama, you know I don't post stories like this often.  Sometimes, the other crazy bitch in my head takes over and I have no control.  With that said, hope you enjoyed my little story. BTW.. the Slobber Monkey I'm speaking of is NOT my current boyfriend. 



Thanks for reading.
xoxo

36 comments:

  1. Oh.My.Gawd. I totally just DIED laughing!!! I...me..I am the drooler!!! It's super gross. I can't help it. Now I'll think of this next time and make sure that shit is handled!! ;)

    ~It's why you like me

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    1. OMG. Thank you for commenting. those few minutes of silence had me regretting posting this. I'm glad you liked it.
      xoxo

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  2. I love it!!! So damn funny! And oh GAWD you picked the perfect pictures to go with it...although I don't think I will ever look at a gorilla quite the same again....

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    1. Thanks Mama! He was kind of freaking huh? (Gorilla)

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  3. Oh man this reminded me of a few, um, episodes. And not in a good way either. At least it landed on your chest and not in your mouth. Just tryin' to look on the bright side!

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    1. LMAO!!!! yah, nothing goes in my mouth but food!!! ;)

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  4. Ellen, hilarious... This has so happened to me and I was at a loss for words - GROSS. Needless to say he will soon be my ex-husband with slobbering sex one of his deficiencies!!!

    Taj-Mah

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    Replies
    1. Ex? Well, lots has happened since I left. Huh?

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    2. Oh, he was a bum, while you lived here! I just didn't want anyone to know I slept with such an ass!

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    3. I knew he was a bum, I just thought you were a saint. LOL
      ;)

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    4. Interesting.....how did you know? I worked all the time so I don't know what you saw living over there next to us.

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  5. Hahahaha, love it Mama!!! So funny but i think most of us have been there, if not slobber...something else lol. So glad you shared, makes me feel better there is someone else out there brave enough to talk about stuff like this!

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    1. Oh god, please don't mention "something else" I will gag right now. Hahaha. Thanks for coming by.

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    2. It's so funny to me that u have such a sensitive gag reflex bc you're so uncensored.

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  6. I don't what's worse, a slobber monkey or a sweat monkey!! imagine sweat dripping down on you. it's nasty shit, yo!

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    1. Woohoo! Sweat downpour means he's working hard. Hopefully, he's working hard on all the right places. :)

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  7. P.S. I'll pretty much read any post that begins with a warning sign. You rock my world.

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    1. Haha! When I see a warning sign, it's like calling my name.

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  8. This has never happened to me although it could I suppose. If everything else was being delt with okay I wouldn't think it would be a big deal.

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    1. Well, that's where you are right my friend!

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  9. Sounds like a very good way to become an EX boyfriend really fast. ;)

    S

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  10. Hahahaha!!! My boyfriend did that once...except he drooled in my MOUTH. We laughed so hard it totally ruined the moment lol

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  11. I love that you went for it--the post, I mean...haha. Sometimes it's good to step out of our comfort zones!

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    1. Agreed. Comfort zones are for pussies... As are pleasure zones. :)

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  12. Man and too think I was coming here to see some hot sexy men pics. Bummer. LOL

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  13. Just love your blog - put you on my blog roll

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    1. Thank you Lanthie, that means a lot to me

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  14. Wayyyy too descriptive! I felt like I was there. Bad accident!!!! Funny.

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    1. That's my life, too descriptive.. It's good that you felt like you were there, and good for you that you weren't LOL.
      Thanks for reading Suzi :)

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  15. I think this might be your funniest post yet. "gets your fur burger greasy..." "drilling yor tunnel hoping he finds the good stuff..." These are fucking hilarious euphemisms and timeless metaphors that I will almost certainly steal in future conversations (giving you full credit, of course).

    Thankfully, I have never been drueled upon, and certainly NOT consistently. Good lord!!!

    Oh well. I suppose we all express our extreme pleasure in unique ways. Thank you for this. I needed the laugh.

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    1. Steal away Aub. I'm glad you got a laugh, I know you needed one. xoxo

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  16. Man. I just wrote a long ass comment and google liked me out to sign in and it disappeared!!! Damn it to hell!!

    Suffice it to say that your metaphors and euphemisms are on my list of things to say in future convos (giving you full credit...naturally). ESP the "fur burger greasy."

    Thank you for this. It is the laugh I needed. This is your funniest post yet. Fluv it!

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  17. I think I had a stroke I laughed so hard.

    -The Insomniacs Dream

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  18. If that makes your fur burger greasy good for you.

    Please school me in the ways of your metaphors. Teach me, oh wise one.

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Lay it on me!