Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Reading ruined my sex life!

Some of you know, I'm a big fan of reading.  I will read almost anything but, what warm blooded woman doesn't love to read the steamy, sexy stories?  Well, I do.  I blame the 50 Shades trilogy for this addiction.  I'm not really addicted, but it's kind of hard to find a book now that doesn't include steamy sex scenes.
 (I don't really look very hard.)

I have read so many of them, my view of a man, husband, boyfriend and a lover is completely ruined!
Let me explain if you will, are any of these points below consistent in your sexual relationship?

  • Is it weird if I want to pour Jack Daniels over my body then he cleans it up with his tongue?  
  • When he smiles my nipples harden.
  • Multiple orgasms within just a few minutes.  (If this is you ladies.. way to go!!)
  • Why can't my man, call my hoo-ha "Damp petals?" 
  • He gently wipes the smudge off of my face then kisses it.. NOPE.. I get. "Um Ellen you got some weird crusty shit on your face." while pointing and laughing.
  • Period?  No problem he will dry hump me until I get what I need.  
  • He whispers, "We fit together like we were made for each other."  No duh, dumbass.. round peg in a round hole!
  • Makes me tell him everything I want him to do to me.  
  • Rock hard, tanned body, and he never wears a shirt. Only enough hair on his chest to be considered a man. 
  • Beautiful green eyes, that make my panties moist just looking at him. 

None of that shit above exists in my world, except for the books I read.  I put down the book and look over at Chris while he's chewing with his mouth open.  He looks over, "Why are you looking at me?"
"No reason, just looking."  I smile.

 GRUNT..GRUNT.. CHEW..CHEW... SLOBBER..

<<Head shake>>

Hmm.. back to my book and to the life where everything above is a normal day.


Thanks for reading.
xoxo


Throw a girl a bone and vote for me.  Look for me down in the 150's


12 comments:

  1. As I chew quietly with my mouth closed and don't slobber, I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Thanks Ellen! :)

    S

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    1. Hahaha!! I guess there is some hope after all. I need to train my man to do that.

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  2. I prefer Dewers...otherwise I'm perfect!

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  3. Does pudding come into play here? I like pudding and think it should be incorporated someplace.

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    1. Actually, you are right. I just finished a book that involved pudding. I encourage you to make your own sexy novel w/ all the pudding you like!! LMAO

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  4. This is f***ing hilarious! I went through a romance novel phase for years and was always looking of that perfect little world of uninterrupted, romantic sex. The only way I could get it was out in the woods. In a tent. And LOTS of wine....

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  5. I swear any man who called by hoo-ha "damp petals" would get hysterically laughed at

    If you like erotic/romantic novels, Mountains Wanted by Phoebe Alexander is excellent (e-book for Kindle)

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  6. I usually skim the sex scenes. Not that I don't like sex, but when they're undressing each other in romance novels, I start wondering stupid shit. What if her feet stink? What if he's got skid marks in his underwear? Worse - what if she does?

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  7. As long as that smudge is food, I tend to lean over & lick it off. So she doesn't think I'm just interested in the chocolate on her face. I try to do it all gently & seductive like. She doesn't buy it.

    This got me thinking though. Can you imagine how much more messed up guys' expectations of women would be if we read these books?

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  8. I'm with Maple Syrup Land over there. If a man referred to my ANYTHING as "damp", I would laugh so hard that I would wet my pants, thus killing the mood.
    But then again, I'm not what most people would call romantic. My idea of romance would be no kids, a zombie movie that's not completely retarded, & 13 midgets waving palm fronds at me while I down vats of mai-tais.
    So, unconventional fantasies are my genre. Maybe I should start reading those after all...

    @Vinny, I'm pretty sure porn took care of that for all of woman-kind.

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  9. I so went through this when I was married. However, I'm only 2 years in with my hot, younger boyfriend. I'll get back to you when he starts getting more comfortable... ;) Loved this!

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Lay it on me!