Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Reading ruined my sex life!

Some of you know, I'm a big fan of reading.  I will read almost anything but, what warm blooded woman doesn't love to read the steamy, sexy stories?  Well, I do.  I blame the 50 Shades trilogy for this addiction.  I'm not really addicted, but it's kind of hard to find a book now that doesn't include steamy sex scenes.
 (I don't really look very hard.)

I have read so many of them, my view of a man, husband, boyfriend and a lover is completely ruined!
Let me explain if you will, are any of these points below consistent in your sexual relationship?

  • Is it weird if I want to pour Jack Daniels over my body then he cleans it up with his tongue?  
  • When he smiles my nipples harden.
  • Multiple orgasms within just a few minutes.  (If this is you ladies.. way to go!!)
  • Why can't my man, call my hoo-ha "Damp petals?" 
  • He gently wipes the smudge off of my face then kisses it.. NOPE.. I get. "Um Ellen you got some weird crusty shit on your face." while pointing and laughing.
  • Period?  No problem he will dry hump me until I get what I need.  
  • He whispers, "We fit together like we were made for each other."  No duh, dumbass.. round peg in a round hole!
  • Makes me tell him everything I want him to do to me.  
  • Rock hard, tanned body, and he never wears a shirt. Only enough hair on his chest to be considered a man. 
  • Beautiful green eyes, that make my panties moist just looking at him. 

None of that shit above exists in my world, except for the books I read.  I put down the book and look over at Chris while he's chewing with his mouth open.  He looks over, "Why are you looking at me?"
"No reason, just looking."  I smile.


<<Head shake>>

Hmm.. back to my book and to the life where everything above is a normal day.

Thanks for reading.

Throw a girl a bone and vote for me.  Look for me down in the 150's


  1. As I chew quietly with my mouth closed and don't slobber, I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Thanks Ellen! :)


    1. Hahaha!! I guess there is some hope after all. I need to train my man to do that.

  2. I prefer Dewers...otherwise I'm perfect!

  3. Does pudding come into play here? I like pudding and think it should be incorporated someplace.

    1. Actually, you are right. I just finished a book that involved pudding. I encourage you to make your own sexy novel w/ all the pudding you like!! LMAO

  4. This is f***ing hilarious! I went through a romance novel phase for years and was always looking of that perfect little world of uninterrupted, romantic sex. The only way I could get it was out in the woods. In a tent. And LOTS of wine....

  5. I swear any man who called by hoo-ha "damp petals" would get hysterically laughed at

    If you like erotic/romantic novels, Mountains Wanted by Phoebe Alexander is excellent (e-book for Kindle)

  6. I usually skim the sex scenes. Not that I don't like sex, but when they're undressing each other in romance novels, I start wondering stupid shit. What if her feet stink? What if he's got skid marks in his underwear? Worse - what if she does?

  7. As long as that smudge is food, I tend to lean over & lick it off. So she doesn't think I'm just interested in the chocolate on her face. I try to do it all gently & seductive like. She doesn't buy it.

    This got me thinking though. Can you imagine how much more messed up guys' expectations of women would be if we read these books?

  8. I'm with Maple Syrup Land over there. If a man referred to my ANYTHING as "damp", I would laugh so hard that I would wet my pants, thus killing the mood.
    But then again, I'm not what most people would call romantic. My idea of romance would be no kids, a zombie movie that's not completely retarded, & 13 midgets waving palm fronds at me while I down vats of mai-tais.
    So, unconventional fantasies are my genre. Maybe I should start reading those after all...

    @Vinny, I'm pretty sure porn took care of that for all of woman-kind.

  9. I so went through this when I was married. However, I'm only 2 years in with my hot, younger boyfriend. I'll get back to you when he starts getting more comfortable... ;) Loved this!


Lay it on me!