Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I need closure...


Dear Deb,

I can't believe it's taken me almost 12 years to write down my feelings about what you did.
Not only what you did to me, what you did to your family, your friends and yourself!

I'm no longer mad at you, I was for a long, long time.

What you did was weak, I thought you were stronger than that!

That rainy Thursday on September 6th 2001, I was so excited all day thinking about going with you to pick up your new puppy.  I still remember what you were going to name him.   Bailey, after your favorite drink.
I called you, over and over and you never answered your phone.  I went home after work and ate dinner, I was worried.  David and I were both worried, we drove to your house.  I remember the rain was so light, the mist damped my hair and my heart.  I knocked.. no answer.  I looked through windows and saw no one.

My whole being knew, I knew what happened. I didn't have a key, I couldn't get in.

There was nothing else I could do, we had to go home.  I called your parents, they had to go to your house, I couldn't get in.
I waited and I waited, I paced, I cried, I shook, my whole body, mind and soul shook.  I tried to force myself to believe, you were out having a drink.  You didn't answer the door when I came, because you weren't there.

Then....


The phone rang at 7:58 that evening... we followed the ambulance all the way up to your house.

I don't even remember getting out of the car.

Your life was coming together again, I could see it.  You had a fucking plan!
THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN!

I guess I am still mad.

Do you have any idea what I went through?  I cried everyday, sometimes all day!  Do you know what your friendship meant to me?  Do you know?
How could you throw away your whole life, you were only 28 years old.  How can someone decide, they are done after that little time?
All you left behind was a letter, a fucking stupid letter, those words you chose to write didn't help.  It didn't help me understand why!

I knew you were sad, but I didn't know it was that bad.  Why didn't you just talk to me about it?

I talk about you all the time, I think about you everyday.  I can't believe 12 years have gone by.  I close my eyes and I can still see you smile, I hear your laugh, you were always so happy. How can you let one person make you feel like you had nothing left.  Do you know over 200 people came to your funeral.  You had friends, people who loved you. Lots of people!

The void of your presence, our friendship is still there in my heart, I haven't filled that hole with another person.  I have friends, good friends, but that little spot that you lived within me, will always stay dormant.

You were one of the only people on this earth, who truly knew me.

After you died, I had to start over.  I left that whole life and anyone who was in it when you were alive.
I started over, the way you were supposed to.

I wanted you to know my children, you would have loved them, they would have loved you.

I've had many dreams of you since you left this world,  I choose to believe that you are coming to tell me that you are happy and safe.

I want you to know, even though I still get mad and sad about the decision you made, I forgive you!

I forgive you...

I miss you..

I love you.

Your Best Friend,

Ellen



6 comments:

  1. This might just be the saddest post I've ever read. Our son suffers over the suicide of a close friend and I've seen how painful this can be. I hope you do have some sense of closure after the loss of your friend. Take care.

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    1. Thanks, I think I do feel a little better.. I don't usually post sad stuff.. but sometimes, I just have to dig deep.. I don't like going down there tho, it's not pretty. :)

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  2. Oh my heart broke reading this. I'm so glad you were able to get these feelings out.

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  3. Well shitballs. This was the first post of yours I read after you left a comment on one of mine. I was looking forward to some saucy language and a laugh, but I'm crying hystercially instead. Sorry for your loss. I can't even being to imagine...

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    Replies
    1. I'm sorry, I don't usually do the sappy shit.

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Lay it on me!