Friday, March 15, 2013

Hmm, where does this tube go?

I have never liked bodily fluids of any kind.  Even when people blow their nose I get the heeby jeebies!

My sister on the other hand she is a LPN and damn good at it.  Thank God because our Mother was not a fan of going to the doctor for any reason!
Because, I'm such a pussy when it comes to medical stuff, I usually never listened.  My sister would bring my Mom to the doctor so she would get all the correct information.  My Mom would listen she just wouldn't remember.

Anyway, I can't even remember how many damn years ago it was, early 2000's my Mom decided to tell my sister that she needs to go to the doctor cause she's been shitting blood for a good while now.  How long is a good while? Hell if I know, I didn't ask, I put my fingers in my ears and sang as soon as my sis said blood and butt hole!

So, doctor set her up for colonoscopy, my sis took care of all that, it came back that she had rectal/colon cancer, she had a tumor up there the size of a softball and they thought it had been there a good 10 years.
Damn, how long was she shitting blood!

She had to have surgery to have the tumor removed and have a colostomy bag put in.


 I remember my sister telling me and my Mother, her appointment is such and such day she has to drink this stuff before hand and no eating for 24 hours.  "Ellen, you have to bring her to the hospital for the surgery,
 I will be there as soon as I can."  Sis says as she's writing it down.

Mom, lived on her own at this time, my Dad had already passed away so, she depended on me and sis for everything.

I go pick up Mom at her apartment the day of her surgery.  We are on our way to the hospital, not too far from her house.  She must have forgotten which daughter was driving her, she started telling me about how much she shit the night before and how bad it stunk.  "What the hell Mom!, I don't want to hear that shit!"  She would always laugh whenever she grossed me out.  Then she started talking about that she thinks she has to poop again and it feels hard to hold it.  Oh hell fucking no!  "No shitting allowed in the car Mom!  I will seriously throw up if any shit leaks out of your ass onto my seat!"  She started laughing, not sure if she was joking or not, but I did not obey speed limits that day, and we made it to the hospital with clean seats!

Surgery is over and I'm in the recovery room with my Mom, she's still sleeping.  Sis no where in sight yet.  I have to tell you first, I know what a tumor is but, I really didn't know what a colostomy bag was.  Sis may have explained it to me, but with all her medical terms, I didn't know what the fuck she was talking about.

Okay, sitting in the room with sleeping Mom, I get bored and notice all these weird things hanging from her.
"Ooh that looks like a drain of some sort."  I start poking around a little more and for some fucked up reason  I followed a tube like I'm looking for a goody at the end of it. I pull up her gown and see this really red thing on the left side of her abdomen.  "Kind of looks like a big pair of round lips, or a big red butt hole."  I say to myself.  Can't leave well enough alone, I touched it. "Ooh smooshy."

In walks a nurse to do whatever nurses do, and I mentioned all the tubes and doo-hickey's hanging off Mom. Then I lift her gown again and say, "What the heck is this red thing?"
"Oh well that's her stoma."  she answers like I should know what the hell a stoma is.

She explained to me what a stoma is! First thing, I thought was, What the fuck I just touched my Mom's new butt hole!!  I run over to the hand sanitizer station and take a bath in it.

In walks my Sis.  First thing I say is, "Why didn't you tell me, Mom will have a new butt hole on the side of her stomach?"

She starts to laugh " I told you, don't you know what a stoma is Ellen?"

"UMM NO! But I know what one feels like now!"

Then I had to explain how I just played with the red thing under Mom's gown like it was Play-doh!

Oh yeah, she laughed real hard.  Not me though, didn't think it was funny at all.

After that I listened to everything she said about Mom and her condition and I even asked questions when she used her medical jargon!

There you have it, that's the story that haunts me every time I hear the words; Colonoscopy, Colostomy, Stoma and whenever I see someone with big lips wearing red lipstick.

Thanks for reading.
xoxo

P.S.
I decided not to add any pictures to this post for obvious reasons.  But, if you don't know what a stoma is Google it!  Actually, I would encourage it. <<hehehe>>




Thank you to Marcia @ Menopausal Mother for our poop conversation that inspired this post. 

29 comments:

  1. OMG I LOVE IT!!!! See where our conversation led you? This is one of the funniest poop stories I have ever read! Damn, I won't be able to sleep now because I will be haunted by stomas!! Brilliant post and now I just can't stop laughing!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the inspiration and the idea and quite a funny memory. xoxo

      Delete
  2. There is something...good...about you driving your mother to her cancer surgery and both of you spending more effort laughing over poop jokes than being frightened.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There, I miss her terribly. She lived a long time w/ her colostomy bag, making me dry heave every time she pulled up her "moo-moo" to show me her business!

      Delete
  3. That is hilarious. So far all of our family medical stuff has involved injury. Not a lot of bodily fluid other than blood which I can handle.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am impressed with your humor. Keeping your family laughing at the tough time. I am glad that you are away from this mediacl stuff . I never loved it and this is the reason that I never chose Medical as my main sunject to study :P

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can honestly say I wouldn't have known what a stoma is either - so now, if I ever have a similar situation happen to me, I will be able to throw around my new found knowledge and impress everyone who knows I also shy away from those kind of things!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so happy to have spread some knowledge. :)

      Delete
  6. I definitely think you should have added pics. I dont think the full effect is gotten without them.... ;)

    Mother of the Year
    http://notgonnawin.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually googled stoma to see what kind of pics they had on there. It all came rushing back to me, I got really lightheaded. LMAO j/k of course.
      You will have to use your imagination.

      :)

      Delete
  7. Ummmm....no. I'll just briefly imagine a person with big lips and lots of lipstick, then do my best to erase it from my mind. If that's even possible. And I didn't know what a stoma was, either. See, you taught me something, whether I wanted to learn it or not. ;)

    S

    ReplyDelete
  8. Blech! I never thought about the logistics of a colostomy before. Coincidentally, I walked through a giant, blow up colon today at the mall.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The first thing that came to mind after reading your post was the saying "Don't touch that! You don't know where it's been." Next time you shake someone's hand, you can think of that & laugh cuz they really don't know where YOUR hands have been...LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am very comforted in the fact that I'm not the only one on this planet that would blindly follow a tube coming out of a loved one's body and proceed to poke the reddish pink stuff that was hanging out of the end of it...

    ReplyDelete
  11. That's funny stuff! Not that you Mom has to go through it though...
    I might have to Google stoma... curiosity is taking over!

    wisheswontwashdishes.blogspot.ca

    ReplyDelete
  12. LOL! Too funny! My dad had a pee bag because he waited so long when he was peeing blood. Glad I didn't play with anything of that! LOL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Luckily I know what a pee bag is and where that tube goes to. EEEKK!! LMAO

      Delete
  13. Hi! Found you via the MHO Monday Mingle! Follwed you via Twitter, Facebook, bloglovin, GFC and Newtworked blogs. Love a follow back on bloglovin, FB and Twitter! http://www.bullocksbuzz.com

    Thanks!
    Alaina

    ReplyDelete
  14. Are you serious? That's what they do? I really wish I wouldn't have been eating lasagna while reading this!!! I will never look at a Revlon commercial the same way again.

    So sorry about your mom, but seeing the humor in situations is sometimes the only thing that pulls us through them!!

    Penny at Green Moms and Kids

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am visiting from the Silly Sunday hop. I followed you on GFC. The story about your mom is sad, yet so funny when you tell it. I hope and pray that she does well.


    http://agutandabutt.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  16. hi, i'm following the "i don't like mondays" blog hop. i would love for you to visit my blog and follow if you like it.

    http://www.blackinkpaperie.blogspot.com

    thanks
    new follower bev
    ps i wish you and your mom all the best

    ReplyDelete
  17. Wow. I want to say and ask a lot, but my mind is jumbled. Hope your mom's doing well.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Wow! Some memories never leave us. No matter how hard we try. ;) I hope your mom is doing better!

    ReplyDelete
  19. lol too funny!! I'm all about gross medical stuff as long as it doesn't touch me... thats part of why i quit nursing school... they expect you to touch body fluids...

    -Queen Mommy
    www.mt2sm.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hope your Mom is better! Thanks for sparing us the photos though.. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hey there. I nominated you for the Liebster Award. Check my blog for details.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hope your Mom is doing well now Ellen. After I had a tummy tuck (Thank you Gran for the inheritance money!) I had drainage tubes attached to a bulb - a see-through bulb that you had to empty and the things that drain into that see-through bulb?? Best left to the imagination.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Really!! That is weird! but kind of what to know what those things are. LOL.. nope, never mind I don't. hahaha

      Delete

Lay it on me!