Thursday, May 16, 2013

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

How many of you lie to your children?

Well, I do.. and I do it damn near everyday.  I'm not proud, it's just something I have to do.  I have to do it for many reasons.  My daughter who is 9 years old likes to lie to me about stupid things.  She never used to lie, she was the most honest person I've ever met.  She's hitting that age, where she doesn't like to do certain things, so when I ask her about it she will lie. My 3 year old is learning from his sister now!

Here are some of the lies I will tell my children, to either get them to do what they need to do, or to shut the hell up!

Chuck E. Cheese is not open on Saturday or Sunday 

McDonald's is out of French Fries today. 

Uh-Oh, I hope lightning won't strike you.

Mommy doesn't have any money today.

Sure, we can go toy shopping on Tuesday.  (This is said to my son who only knows one day of the week, but doesn't actually know when it is Tuesday)

Spiderman loves to eat vegetables

Your teacher sent me an email  __________ (I fill in the blank with whatever fits at that time.)

If you drink too much soda, you won't grow up to be big like Mommy and Daddy.

If you swear on Mom-Mom's grave and you lie that means she will be taken from Heaven and brought to Hell.  Do you want that?  (Mom-Mom is my mom who died 2 years ago)

No you may not come outside while Mommy smokes, there are huge bugs out here.

You will make Mommy's heart break if you lie.

Your eyes turn black when you tell a lie, and I'm the only one who can see it. 

Well, of course I have eyes in the back of my head.  If you try to look for them, they disappear. 
(I tell you what, that one works big time. Even my daughter believes me)

If you don't brush your teeth, the Tooth Fairy won't come. She only likes clean teeth.

If you don't take a bath two things will happen:  1.  No one will want to be your friend, because you will stink.  2. Worms will come out of your butt.

These are just a few I use, I make them up as I go.

My kids are young enough that they believe all the lies I tell them.  And, I'm old enough to know which one's to tell them that will get them to tell me the truth.  Yes, most of the time the truth comes out in tears. But, it gets the damn job done!!
I've tried to do the nice Mom conversation with them.

In the best June Cleaver voice I could muster up.

"Honey, you know it's not nice to lie, no one likes someone who lies.  You must tell the truth all the time.  You will get in trouble more if you lie, than if you just tell me the truth.

Yeah, that shit only lasted during that conversation.  Then the next day this happens:

Emilie getting ready for school

"Emilie, your socks looks filthy, did you put on new socks?"
"Yep, I did."  she answers confidently while avoiding eye contact.
"Really?  Those are clean socks?"
I give her the mom knows all look.
"Yep, their clean."  she's sticking to her story.
"Okay, well don't come crying to me, when your teacher locks you in the closet today because your stinky ass feet are annoying your classmates."
"She won't do that." Emilie trying to call my bluff.
"Oh yes she will, she sent me an email telling me the new rule, I didn't tell you cause I thought you wear clean socks everyday." I keep a straight face.
"Umm, Umm."  she stutters while I see her eyes fill up with tears.
"Get your butt back in that room and find some clean socks."
Up and off she goes

Mama always knows!!

What lies do you tell your children?  I can always use some new ones.  And feel free to use any of mine.  We need to stick together!!

Thanks for reading



  1. OK, most of these are harmeless...the Mom-mom thing is just wrong, and the bath thing is true!

    I never lie to my grandchildren...ok, thats a lie. However instead of lying about things I don't want to discuss, like not going to Chuch-e-cheeze, I just tell them,
    "That is just not going to happen!" Then after every "Why?" whince and repeat, "that is ..."
    Pretty soon they figure out "That is not going to happen" Means end of discussion.

    Works for me.

    1. I do try the "No and that's the end of discussion," sometimes, but when that doesn't work, then I go to my lie. I get sick of hearing the bitchy and whining! The "mom-mom" thing I did once. I don't believe it's wrong because I know my mom so well, she would have thought it was hilarious! She had the best sense of humor.

  2. I resort to whatever I have to when it comes to making sure my daughter has had a bath, brushed her teeth and her hair... I want her to be clean.

    Most things my daughter listens to me and doesn't whine... she is so much different than my oldest daughter who didn't listen to me at all (now my oldest has a sweet little boy... he's just like his mom:)

  3. I'm glad you only used the Mom-mom one once...I dont recall lying to my kid on a regular basis but I'm probably in denial. There were a few classics. WHen he found out about Santa he looked at me with squinty little eyes and pointed his finger at me and growled, "You LIEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDD!" He didnt talk to me for a week. THen there was the walk down the feminine products aisle and picking up boxes of tampons asking, "But what are they for?" over and over again...I finally said they were for picking up spills. Kinda the truth, right? No harm done he's an adult now and will be lying to his own kids before you know it.

  4. Our son is too old for me to lie to. If he catches me and gets mad he might select a crummy nursing home for me.

  5. Too funny! Now that my daughter is 17, I'm far less likely to fool her, I'm afraid!

  6. Worms coming out of their butts...LOVE that.

  7. Damn! You're one BAD ASS mama! I wish I had thought of some of these back when my kids were little. All I could come up with is, "If you expect to see your next birthday you'd better sit down RIGHT NOW!"


  8. My youngest son was the worst liar of all--that boy came out of the womb lying! I always told him things like swallowing your gum would make a gum tree grow in your stomach....if you don't comb your hair daily the rats will nest in it...and yeah, I used the butt worm thing too because there is such as thing as pin worms that DO come out of the butt in the middle if the night. Don't believe me? Google it. Eeewww! Funny post as always!

  9. I thought those were true. Once I told em McDonald's burned down and then took the long way home for years.


Lay it on me!