Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Two-Takes Exchange.. Take Two




Hello, Readers. Tis I, Aubree...again...back for another 
Two-Take Exchange with Bad Word Mama
. 
Just in case you need a quick preface, here's the lowdown of how this works: each week, or every other week, or monthly, or whatever, Ellen and I will take turns choosing an image. We will then share the image with the other and will write up individual "takes," describing how the image inspired or moved us. Neither of us will know in what direction the other is going until we make the swap and publish them 
(I will publish her "take" on my blog, and vice versa).
So, below is my take on this week's image. 
You can find Ellen's respective post over on The Basement walls.
 We hope you enjoy our two-takes.


Drum roll, please......... 







Dear God: 

I will try to make this brief b/c I know you are a super busy God(dess), and you probably have a whole lot of prayers to try to get around to answering, not to mention all the world dilemmas and grotesque issues of humanity that need to be addressed; and of course, there is all the smiting that needs to get done (I added another name to my "please smite" list, if you have any extra smiting time); also, there is that spider-monkey-gorilla-ant thing that just got added to the "endangered list," so I'll try to make this brief...

As you know, things have been really hard for us financially over the last two years. As a result, we've had to recently make the decision to downgrade our toilet paper, so I am basically begging you to PLEASE make one of two things happen: bring the price of Charmin w/ Aloe way down, OR please help our buttholes toughen up without having to endure the whole "wait until the callouses form" stage.

Secondly, my constipation grows worse with every passing moment. I have sent numerous letters to the Pope and Homeland Security, but they continue to ignore me. PLEASE help me prevent the irrevocable world-wide catastrophe that is pretty much guaranteed to occur when these fecal demons are finally released into our sewage and water systems (our house is not on a septic tank...as you know, b/c you are God and you know everything). 
It is no longer a question of "if;" it is only a question of "when." Please save the innocent.

As you also probably know, there are terrorists hanging out in the trees behind my house waiting to descend upon me and steal me away, so as to harness the power that is incubating in my butt (and growing stronger everyday). This is getting serious, God. *I know I have made mistakes about things stalking me in the past as a result of my paranoid delusions, but I am CERTAIN that this is way different than the time I was certain that a three-headed goose was living under my bed. I don't mean to tell you how to do things, bc you're God and all, but I think you should let that one slide. I was, after all, only 34 years old.*

And finally, God: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE bring back Jello Pudding Pops.

Amen.

14 comments:

  1. I love what you did with it!! Hilarious.
    xoxo
    -Ellen

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh my goodness you two are so funny and interesting... I laughed so hard... I wish I was this funny on paper... in real life I am pretty funny :) Thanks for entertaining me :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Launna! Sadly, this post was inspired by real life events.

      Delete
  3. Well my dear you have done it once again! Great!!!! Love Ya, Cheryl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks "Cheryl." I can always count on you to be one of the very first post-reads! <3

      Delete
  4. Lots of humor here at your expense. Great fun. I hope the constipation goes away. Eating half a pound of beef jerky always works for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope you weren't being facisious (i have no idea how to spell big words, but i like to use them when i write, b/c the irony is superb), b/c i just slaughtered my pet cow. Now, i just have to wait the 18 months required to make jerkey.

      Delete
  5. I would NOT want to be near your house when the explosion of your bowels occurs. I'll bet a Hazmat team has to come to plunge out your toilets.... funny, funny post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Hazmat team..." Lmao.

      My poor husband. He has become an expert turd slayer.

      Delete
  6. I'm not sure where you live, but a little warning before the explosion occurs would be great. Kinda like the tornado warning siren. I'd like to have a fighting chance to take cover!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's really hard for me to make eye contact with my neighbors. They have no idea. But I don't want to be responsible for mass-hysteria by warning them...and the rest of the northern hemisphere.

      Delete
  7. Did the constipation coincide with the change of toilet paper? Just wondering.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. no. but now that you mention it, it DOES coincide with my alien abduction and the ridiculous amount of anal probing they did on me. those little green men are seriously obssessed with the human ass.

      BECUZ of the toilet paper downgrade (which will forever be known aound this house as "the day the brown-eye died") i am, however, slightly thankful that i don't (can't) make boom-boom as much as the average person. i'm telling you, once you've used charmin with aloe for so long, nothing can prepare your nether regions for the wickedness that passes for TP these days. And, my poor son: all he has ever known is Charmin w/ Aloe! Can you imagine his suffering?! I feel like I am failing him as a parent.

      Delete

Lay it on me!