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I wanted to dedicate a chapter about each of my parents. Today I'm starting with my Mom. Her name was Honor and she was an older mom. She had me when she was 39 years old and my sister 18 months later. We were her only children. I thought because she was an older mom she wouldn't entertain us the way I thought a mom should. Come to find out, now that I'm a mother it's just a pain in the ass to try to entertain your kids all day long. I wanted to share with you all the silly and disturbing things I used to do to my Mom while I was a youngster. I titled this post "You Little Asshole," because that was the phrase I would hear often after I pulled my "stunts."
Does anyone remember those outfits that were made of terry cloth and came in all sorts of pastel colors? Oh and they were also strapless? If not then the picture below is exactly what I'm talking about.
My mom detested bra's, she worn them when she absolutely had to, like work and going to the store. But, as soon as she got home she would rip off that sucker and pull on one of these fabulous outfits.
Remember when I told you about the fence that I used to climb trying to get to the tree? Well, that same fence separated our yard from our neighbor's yard. The neighbor was also my mom's boss. Anyway, whenever she would pull herself outside the smoke filled house and off the couch she would be outside standing by the fence talking to boss lady. She was more than Mom's boss she was also really good friends with her.
When I felt there was just nothing else to do with my pitiful life, I would annoy my mom and I also looked for any reason to get a laugh, even if it was at the expense of another.
I'm sure I whined to mom those two horrible, eye scratching words to her during my childhood. "I'm bored!" But, when she yelled at me for the gazillionth time to go play I would go to my stand by for entertainment.
Mom standing at the fence in her towel like outfit with a cigarette in her hand talking away to boss lady.
I would come up behind her and swoosh...
Down goes the outfit and hello mom boobs.
I didn't only do this when she was talking to boss lady, sometimes boss lady's husband was there too.
Of course I got many, many belly laughs from doing that. Obviously not from my Mom, but who cares a laugh is a laugh right?
She would pull herself back together and turn around,
"Ellen, dammit to hell! You little asshole!" she would scream at me.
If I were close by she would have tried to grab me, but I'm not that stupid.
I knew damn well Mom didn't run, so as soon as I did my deed I would run out of her reach.
I can't even count how many times I did that to her over the years. You would think she would stop wearing those crazy looking things.
Ahh, good times..
Every once and a while Mom would come outside and just sit down on the front porch. Mind you I called it a porch but technically it was just a concrete slab that butted up to the front of the house. There was an awening that covered it at one point. Well, until the tornado ripped it off, but that's another story I will leave to tell you about my Dad.
She would sit there in her outfit and yes a cigarette in her hand and watch us do our gymnastic in the yard. One time we bugged her so damn much to do a cartwheel for us. We only did this to entertain ourselves. Damn straight, we thought it would be funny as hell to see our "old" mom doing a cartwheel in the front yard.
She did. Once. We laughed.
She was terrified of snakes! I mean kick your ass to get out of a 1 mile vicinity of a snake.
Some how we got our hands on a fake black snake. Yep we did what you're thinking. She's sitting on the porch in a beach chair the one's that fold down and hard as hell to get out of. I came up behind her and threw that sucker right around her neck.
I'm laughing now thinking about it. She freaked the hell out! She wiggled and waggled to get away and then managed to make the legs of her beach chair go up and she fell to the ground with the fake snake around her neck.
I thought for sure I would be in deep shit for that stunt, although I thought it was definitely worth it.
She yelled for a minute and then went back to smoking.
God, I miss my mom. She really was able to give me so many laughs!
I hope I'm able to give my children all the ammunition they need to laugh with and about me.
Thanks for reading.