Treasures under the vanity
There are all kinds of shit my sister and I used to get into. We mostly loved to go into our parents room and just rummage around. We weren't allowed to play in their room, I’m not sure how we weren't caught in the middle of our scavenger hunts. We found the cabinets underneath her bathroom vanity to be the most fascinating place ever. Mom wasn't the best housekeeper, shit why sugar coat it, she was a nasty hot mess! So, she never knew we were in there because it was always a mess anyway.
One day during one of our pursuits we found the best invention ever! Why in the hell didn't Mom tell us about this? It could have really helped us over the years. (By the way I was maybe 8 or 9 years old)
Right next to our house was a chain linked fence and on the other side of that was a tree. This tree was a good climbing tree, although to get to the tree we had to climb the fence first. The fence separated our yard from our neighbors, so technically the tree was in their yard. The neighbors didn't care, well because my Mom’s boss lived there. While trying to climb the fence to get to the tree well, it wasn't that easy. I mean, it was possible and we did it on a daily basis but it did hurt our feet.
So, when we found that amazing invention right under my Mom’s vanity well then we thought this would end the problem we had trying to get to our favorite tree.
We each pulled out two ripped off the paper backing and stuck each of those suckers on the bottom of our bare feet. We then had to run outside immediately and test out our new tree climbing cushions. Holy shit, it worked like a charm, able to get from the fence to the tree in no time. Yep, Mom eventually got up to see what the hell we were up to.
“You stupid little assholes!” she yelled out the front door.
“Those aren't for your feet! Take them off now and put your shoes on!” she mumbled to herself as she walked back into the house.
We were just so completely let down, those had to be for fence climbing, what the hell else could they be for? You’re probably asking yourself why didn't we just wear shoes? Well, that’s an easy question to answer, we lived in a fucking trailer park, hence trailer trash! I’m just being nasty now, I never considered myself or my family trailer trash! We were kids for christ’s sake, so damn what we put maxi pads on our feet. We still didn't put on our shoes we just had to endure the fence until we were able to leave the yard by ourselves and find another tree we could climb that didn't include climbing a fence first.
It would have been even better, if they came with wings back then. I could have wrapped that whole sucker around my foot and voila shoes!
On a different occasion, mom was busy entertaining a friend or two in the living room. Her definition of “entertaining” included, turning down the T.V so they could actually hear each other talk and drinking my mom’s signature wine. I don't know why anyone would consider this wine, it wouldn't even taste good if you cooked with it!
So she and her little friends would sit in the smoke filled living room drinking their cooking wine and talking too loud. While she was occupied Shawn and I decided to go find more treasures. After much search and going through different kinds of curlers my mom kept under there we found something, that we had no idea what it was. I mean NO idea, we couldn't figure out between the both of us what the fuck this thing was used for. We were really stumped, we decided to go out and ask Mom. She would have to know, it was under her vanity.
We dusted it off and carried it out into the living room. Mom’s two old lady friends noticed us first and I wondered why they were looking at us like that. Close your mouths ladies and quit staring it’s rude! Mom wondered what the hell her friends were looking at so she turned her head to see us and before she could say anything we asked, “Mom, what the heck is this thing?”
All of a sudden her face looked just like her friends faces. I immediately thought, Son of a mother we have definitely found something good here! Then, Mom started yelling and her little bitties started laughing.
“Damn you two, go put that shit back and go outside and play!”
I still never found out what that thing was, until much later in life I realized that me and my sis found my mom’s old fucking douche bag including the tubing! Are you serious?
I was fondling that nasty thing like it was a pet snake!
So, whenever someone calls another person a douche bag, that story always pops in my head. Talk about having to learn shit the hard way! You know, when my mom moved out of that house in the early 2,000’s we helped her clean. That son of a bitch thing was still under her vanity!
|An old picture of our home
Thanks for reading Chapter 1, I hope I was able to make you laugh and get to know me a little better.
Stay tuned for Chapter 2: Ghost Busting