Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Tales from the Trailer Park ~ Chapter 1: Treasures under the vanity

This is the first story in my series, if you haven't read the background yet, you can find it here.

Chapter 1
Treasures under the vanity

There are all kinds of shit my sister and I used to get into. We mostly loved to go into our parents room and just rummage around.  We weren't allowed to play in their room, I’m not sure how we weren't caught in the middle of our scavenger hunts.  We found the cabinets underneath her bathroom vanity to be the most fascinating place ever.  Mom wasn't the best housekeeper, shit why sugar coat it, she was a nasty hot mess!  So, she never knew we were in there because it was always a mess anyway.

One day during one of our pursuits we found the best invention ever!  Why in the hell didn't Mom tell us about this?  It could have really helped us over the years.  (By the way I was maybe 8 or 9 years old)
Right next to our house was a chain linked fence and on the other side of that was a tree.  This tree was a good climbing tree, although to get to the tree we had to climb the fence first. The fence separated our yard from our neighbors, so technically the tree was in their yard. The neighbors didn't care, well because my Mom’s boss lived there.  While trying to climb the fence to get to the tree well, it wasn't that easy.  I mean, it was possible and we did it on a daily basis but it did hurt our feet.

So, when we found that amazing invention right under my Mom’s vanity well then we thought this would end the problem we had trying to get to our favorite tree.
We each pulled out two ripped off the paper backing and stuck each of those suckers on the bottom of our bare feet.  We then had to run outside immediately and test out our new tree climbing cushions.  Holy shit, it worked like a charm, able to get from the fence to the tree in no time.  Yep, Mom eventually got up to see what the hell we were up to.

“You stupid little assholes!” she yelled out the front door.
“Those aren't for your feet!  Take them off now and put your shoes on!” she mumbled to herself as she walked back into the house.

We were just so completely let down, those had to be for fence climbing, what the hell else could they be for?  You’re probably asking yourself why didn't we just wear shoes?  Well, that’s an easy question to answer, we lived in a fucking trailer park, hence trailer trash!  I’m just being nasty now, I never considered myself or my family trailer trash! We were kids for christ’s sake, so damn what we put maxi pads on our feet.  We still didn't put on our shoes we just had to endure the fence until we were able to leave the yard by ourselves and find another tree we could climb that didn't include climbing a fence first.
It would have been even better, if they came with wings back then. I could have wrapped that whole sucker around my foot and voila shoes!


On a different occasion, mom was busy entertaining a friend or two in the living room.  Her definition of “entertaining” included, turning down the T.V so they could actually hear each other talk and drinking my mom’s signature wine. I don't know why anyone would consider this wine, it wouldn't even taste good if you cooked with it!

  So she and her little friends would sit in the smoke filled living room drinking their cooking wine and talking too loud.  While she was occupied Shawn and I decided to go find more treasures.  After much search and going through different kinds of curlers my mom kept under there we found something, that we had no idea what it was.  I mean NO idea, we couldn't figure out between the both of us what the fuck this thing was used for.  We were really stumped, we decided to go out and ask Mom.  She would have to know, it was under her vanity.

We dusted it off and carried it out into the living room.  Mom’s two old lady friends noticed us first and I wondered why they were looking at us like that.  Close your mouths ladies and quit staring it’s rude!  Mom wondered what the hell her friends were looking at so she turned her head to see us and before she could say anything we asked, “Mom, what the heck is this thing?”

All of a sudden her face looked just like her friends faces.  I immediately thought,  Son of a mother we have definitely found something good here!  Then, Mom started yelling and her little bitties started laughing.
“Damn you two, go put that shit back and go outside and play!”

I still never found out what that thing was, until much later in life I realized that me and my sis found my mom’s old fucking douche bag including the tubing!  Are you serious?
I was fondling that nasty thing like it was a pet snake!
 So, whenever someone calls another person a douche bag, that story always pops in my head.  Talk about having to learn shit the hard way!  You know, when my mom moved out of that house in the early 2,000’s we helped her clean.   That son of a bitch thing was still under her vanity!

An old picture of our home

Thanks for reading Chapter 1, I hope I was able to make you laugh and get to know me a little better.

Stay tuned for Chapter 2: Ghost Busting


  1. Oh my gosh, that was TOO funny. I lived a good part of my childhood in a trailer park and we have some crazy memories too. Believe it or not, the "douche bag" in our house hung on a hook in our shower. And since my dad only believed in baths and not showers (what the hell???) we didn't have a shower curtain. So everybody, and I do mean everybody, in our neighborhood who used our bathroom saw it. I had no idea what it was until I was a freshman in high school.

  2. Wow! No shower curtain? Thank God we had 2 bathrooms!

  3. OMG,,, to frigging funny... I never had to encounter this... was it because I lived in the city? lol...

  4. Loved it and laughed uncontrollably especially about the douche bag, I can remember finding my grandmothers when I was young, thank The Lord those things are extinct now

  5. Holy hilariousness!!!! Love the idea for this whole series--I'll be tuning in!

    1. Thanks for stopping by and commenting! It means a lot. Thought more people would have commented. Either they don't think it's funny, or have realized I'm all kinds of fucked up. :)

  6. I dont think any one was not commenting because of the content. SOmetimes its just circumstance...I was out of commission for instance and while I am certain youre fucked up (because I would do the same stuff you do in a heartbeat) I still laugh and love everything you write.

    1. Awe thank you! I'm very content of being fucked up. Nothing like a screwy sense of humor. Love your blog too. :)

  7. oh my goodness I loved this! It makes perfect sense to me that you would put pads on your feet, LOL. My husband did something similar with his moms pads when he was a kid too! :)

  8. See this is what happens when I decide I'm too busy to catch up on my blogs for a week, someone starts an awesome series and I end up way behind. This is awesome, I'm off to read chapter two right now. But before I go, I just have to say I never had a douche bag in our bathroom ever while growing up. I guess I can say I'm not missing out on much right?

  9. Fondling the douche bag like it was a pet snake OMG!!! I am dying over here. And Kotex pads on the feet? I think you two were onto something smart there. This is HILARIOUS!

  10. wow. holy shit. omg. This is so wrong and hilarious. It was still there? I can hardly form a sentence, as I am laughing crying and flabergasted all at the same time...


Lay it on me!