Digging Deep

I'm not sure if I should call this "Writer's Block" or if I'm blocking the writer?
Is that the same as cock blocking?  Oh shit today is "D"

What the hell is wrong with me? I start a writing project and then I get bored or just lazy and stop doing it.
I hardly ever go back to the project, it just sits there on my desktop looking at me like the loser I am.

I flick that dickwad a bird and start a new story.

I started a writing project that I had all intentions of it being a novel.  I did the outline of the whole fucking thing.  I'm 13 chapters in and I just don't have the ambition to do it anymore.  The characters are stuck in whatever scenario I put them in twiddling their thumbs wondering when the hell is this douche nugget gonna come back and finish this shit?  Oh did I mention I started it 2 years ago.

Another one I'm working on with a friend. This one actually has a lot of potential  It's based off of a true story.  Both of us are guilty on this one.. I don't know what that dildo licker's excuse is. But, I can tell you mine is just pure fucking laziness!  This story puts me in a dark and gloomy place when I write it.  Actually, I kind of have to be in that mood to even write it.  So, that causes a problem.  I'm almost always in a funny, sarcastic  dicktickler kind of mood.  Well, except for maybe 2 days out of the month.

Then, I decided that I would like to write some sort of memoir of my life.  I always thought of my life as boring. But, when I break it down piece by piece and look at the little shit that's happened in my life it's quite funny!  Although, I feel like I have to add some fluff to it, I am human after all I do have to sleep and eat and take a dirty shit everyday how fucking funny is that?  Are you allowed to fluff up your own memoir?


Then I have to ask myself. Am I even a writer?  Yes, I have a blog, big fucking whoop!  I've found out in the last year since I've started my blog how many people have blogs.  Can someone call themselves a writer even though nothing as been "published" (not counting blogs)  I know my alphabet, I can type and I can put a story together.  (Obviously, not a long story or else I would have finished some sort of project)  I've written a few articles for a company who pays for clicks.  That was fucking bullshit and they are full of dickjuice!

The only thing I've written consistently is my blog.  Why? Is it because I can get instant gratification from actually completing it and getting comments?

Son of a bitch, I do believe I've been dickslapped!  That's it!  Instant gratification, and I'm lazy! Hmm.

Does anyone ever feel this way?  Or am I the only one who doesn't finish anything and can't blame it on the ADHD that I don't have!

Thanks for reading whatever the hell it is I typed up there.  I do believe I'm more confused than I was when I started this post.. 

Oooh... I have a great idea for a novel!  

xoxo

Welcome to my Neighborhood

My family and I live in an apartment complex, this is the first time I've lived in an apartment since I was in my 20's.  Chris and I moved out of our townhouse apartment when our daughter was 3 months old.  She is now 9 years old. That's a long cock time! We've lived in houses ever since we moved from that apartment.

So, now we are back in a clusterfuck apartment, and I wanted to live in an apartment when we moved to this new town.  Here are a couple reasons why I pushed to live in an apartment vs. a house.

Rent includes water.  I had no idea how many cocksuckers here are on city water and you actually have to pay for it.  I've NEVER paid for water before.  Yes, I know that I am paying for my water, but.. I did not have to put a deposit down. 

Living in an apartment complex when something breaks it gets fixed quicker than dealing with a clit-sucker landlord that most of the time live out of the area.

There are a few other reasons why we ended up in this particular apartment complex instead of another.  Reasons I would rather not discuss here. But, the number one reason was money!  We were able to move in here very quickly for less than $500!  Awesome right?.. sure but, you get what you pay for right?!

This is an over view of what I see every single crap-tastic day we live in this neighborhood.

I seriously think a drug lord lives across the sidewalk from us.  He is constantly getting all kinds of crack-sniffers all times of day and night.  I rarely see the same person more than once.  The guy which I will refer to as Mr. D.L seems to be nice, he always waves and says hi to me when ever I see him.  He even bought Girl Scout cookies from me a few times.  I have no idea what his name is, and I really don't want to know. 

A new couple just moved in also across the sidewalk in another apartment.  It's a guy and girl who live there, they look like they are in their 20's.  The guy is short and skinny and for some reason he refuses to wear a shirt!  Not only does he walk around shirtless he also, wears his pants under his ass! Really!! Not only do I have to look at your pimply back I have to see what fucking color underwear you have on!  I guess I should be grateful he wears underwear, I betcha his ass matches his pimply back.  This guy has a bowl haircut. Who the shit is this guy?? A cool guy with a cum-tart haircut? Or, A cock waffle trying to be cool?  I can tell you what he needs to try a little harder!!

He is also a frequent visitor of Mr. D.L.  

Then there's the lady who I call "Nubby" I've talked about her before. She likes to bum cigarettes off me.  She never wears shoes and I know for sure she never brushes her teeth because she only has black nubs left. Hence the name "Nubby."  The other day I was sitting outside smoking a cigarette and just enjoying the quiet and I noticed 2 birds playing and chasing each other. Well one of the dumb birds was confused and saw his reflection in a window on my apartment and smacked right into it.  That damn bird fell right into my lap! I of course screamed  like a carpetmuncher was after me, and the bird fell to the ground.  After I screamed I noticed Nubby came running outside, she heard me scream because she likes to keep her door open.  I asked her nicely if she could help me with the wounded bird.  I saw her pick up a dead squirrel once so I knew she wouldn't be a pussy about it like me.   She rescued me from the what I thought was a dead bird.  Then she asked me for a cigarette.  Since, she did help me out, I gave her 2.  Later, she told me that the bird was okay and it flew away.  Awesome!! 

One, older gentleman lives in a studio apartment right by mine. He keeps to himself and never speaks. He is probably in his early 60's.  He drives a older Mercedes Benz (Yes, I know way too much) Anyway, he seems to be home all day long, but in the early evening I will notice him leaving.  He is always dressed very nicely and he always has an over night bag with him.  Sometimes this includes a garment bag. What the hell does that cootercraker do for a living? I think he may be a gigolo or something.  And, if he's a "cum guzzler" what the hell is he living here for?  The rent isn't low by no means, but the neighborhood sucks.  My goal before I move from this place will be to find out what that man does for a living. 

There's a guy who has parties every Thursday night and I can't get over the sight of some people who attend his parties.  Most of the guys who attend, yes have their crack jack hanging out and the girls, well they are wearing bikinis! Why the hell are they wearing a bathing suit, we don't even have a pool here! I refer to them as cumdumpsters. Not to mention his parties are at night. Why the hell are they wearing bikini's at a party with no pool?  Call me old but I just don't get it. 

The lady who lives next door to us watches her 2 year old grandson everyday and a multiple of older children, who I wonder why aren't in school.  Our nap times do not coincide, I can hear those little sucker running and jumping the whole time I'm trying to get my little ones to take a nap.  My bedroom wall is shared with their living room.  Andrew becomes extremely annoyed when he hears this, he starts banging on the wall and yelling "Stop jumping, I try to take a nap here!"  I actually would rather them play inside, every once and a while she lets them play outside.  I can hear everything from my bedroom window. They constantly scream and yell to each other in  Spanish and I can't understand a word they are saying. I don't know if I should get up and go outside to see if they are hurt or tell them to shut the fuck up!

Our lease is up in November, I think I will suck it up and pay the water deposit!!

Slobber Monkey

WARNING!!!

This post contains adult humor and sexual content. If you are a prude who does not like to read or talk about sex please exit this post now.  

You're in the middle of a love fest, okay I wouldn't really use the word love. But, you get the idea.

You are vulnerable an free of inhibition.  Sometimes shit happens, well hopefully not literally shit. Although, if that makes your fur burger greasy good for you. (I guess)

There are numerous noises that happen when you are bumping uglies.  Embarrassing as all that can be, I'm talking about something that makes you grunt and not out of pleasure.

Flat on your back and you feel something wet on your chest.  Opening your eyes and you see him working like a dirty old dog.


Ick! What the fuck was that? Hmm, maybe it was his sweat, feels like he's trying to drill for oil down there.

Wiping the wet spot from your chest and you're about to close your eyes and try to get your mind back to business.  Although, you see it , it's coming right for you.  It feels like it's all happening in slow motion but you're stuck. You are trapped under this gorilla with no where to go!

PLOP.. right on your chest.

Holy Shit! He just drooled.

What do you do?  Pretend it didn't happen and let him finish drilling your tunnel hoping he finds the good stuff?

<<Tap on his shoulder>>

"Um, excuse me, can you close your mouth?  I feel like I'm drowning down here!"

This poke party is over!!

Needless to say, that was the last time I saw that slobber monkey.



This is a true story, that I found hilarious (well not at the time, it did a number on my gag reflex) I didn't post it to offend anyone, hence the multiple warnings at the beginning.  If you are a fan of Bad Word Mama, you know I don't post stories like this often.  Sometimes, the other crazy bitch in my head takes over and I have no control.  With that said, hope you enjoyed my little story. BTW.. the Slobber Monkey I'm speaking of is NOT my current boyfriend. 

Thanks for reading.
xoxo

Why toddlers remind me of the Elderly

Some of you know that my Mom lived with me and my family for 2 years before she passed away.  She was not only confined to a wheel chair she also had dementia.  Even though I loved my Mom dearly, it wasn't easy taking care of her.  I've been thinking about this for a while now, but I think there are quite a few similarities between the elderly and toddlers. When I made this list, I was thinking of only my Mom and her last years here with me and what I witnessed day in and day out.  This is meant to be funny and if my Mom were alive today she would literally laugh her ass off at this.  Literally? Yes, because she also had a colostomy bag and they had to sew up her asshole

Okay, here you go....

They never know what day it is.

You have to cut up their food up into bite sized pieces.

They stand and or sit way too close to the T.V.

Both yell from the bathroom, "I can't get my pants up."

They fall a lot

You have to make every meal for them.

The dresses little girls wear now, remind me of the Moo-Moo's my Mom used to wear.
(or is it Muu Muu's? Hell if I know. I just pray I will never wear one.)

They get upset when you get annoyed that they shit in the bath tub, yet again.

They like to show off their boo-boo's to their friends, over and over.

They forget what they were going to say.

They have no filter at all. 

When either one is quiet for too long, it could mean trouble. The toddler has probably confused his shitty diaper with play-doh. The elder is trying to rearrange their room by themselves. 

Wiping dirty faces

Reminding them what people's names are when they see them. Then they still don't remember them. 

When waking them up you can easily trick them that it's morning and they missed their favorite show on T.V when it's really four o'clock in the afternoon.

You have to repeat yourself over and over because they either can't hear you or they've tuned you out. 

You have to explain to them why taking a bath is important and must be done everyday.

Naps.. Thank God.. (enough said)

They do not have an inside voice!

Sometimes they have problems getting all their food in their mouth. 


Able to fall asleep in any position at any moment.

Sometimes when telling a story, they make no sense at all.  All you can do is look at them and say:"What the hell are you talking about?"

Mom and Andrew,
see her moo-moo?

Mom and Emilie,
another shot of a moo-moo.

Thanks to my 2 kids and my Mom for this material and great memories.

Thanks for reading.

xoxo

One Hundred & One Year

Today I am celebrating my 100th blog post here at Bad Word Mama. I've thought long and hard (yep, I snickered when I wrote that) about what the hell would I write about and I decided to give you 100 facts about myself.  I have always been an open book to anyone, although I don't like to talk about myself.  If anyone asks me a question I will tell them and I will tell the truth no matter how embarrassing the question may be.  I've given a lot of facts about myself on this blog thanks to all the awards I've won. You may see some of those facts here because truthfully I'm too damn lazy to go look back at those posts to see what I've written already. The facts will not be in order so I hope don't get too dizzy. I hope I can come up with 100 facts about myself with out boring you to death. Some may be consider T.M.I,  sorry in advance. 

1. My full name is Ellen Honor Fischkelta,  Honor was my Mom's first name. Honor is also my daughters middle name. 
2. Did I mention that I hate my name, it's an old ladies name. 
3. I am going to be 39 years old in May. (son-a-va-bitch)
4. I am a true Gemini, I'm freaking fickle and I really do have a spit personality.  I haven't been diagnosed with one, but people who know me would definitely agree with me.  
5. I think Adam Sandler is sexy.  Not in a physical way, I love his sense of humor I think it's really sexy.  
6. When I was a young I used to put maxi pads on the bottom of my bare feet and climb trees. 
7. I sound like an elephant when I sneeze.
8. I laugh very, very hard when someone falls down.
9. I have a soft spot in my heart for old people.
10. My daughter has an attitude just like me!
11. I can watch Duck Dynasty everyday all day
12. I hate my fucking computer, the computer screen goes white like every 30 seconds. (Damn you asshole Dell)
13. I watched both my parents die.
14. I almost died while having my daughter.
15. I'm addicted to Dr. Pepper.. or Dr. Thunder when I'm broke.
16. Most days I don't get out of my pajamas.
17. Before Chris and I started dating I was in a relationship for 10 years with another guy.
18. I hated high school and used to skip school at least twice a week.
19. I firmly believe men and women can not be friends. Unless one or both are gay. 
20. I believe in God, but I don't go to church.
21. Politics confuse the shit out of me.
22. My favorite verb is Fuck.
23. I can't wait to go through menopause.
24. I had a miscarriage last year. 
25. I have a big problem telling people no! Unless it's Chris asking for sex.
26. I care what people think too much. 
27. I read 2 to 3 books a week.
28. My best friend took her own life in 2001.
29. I hate to cook
30. I love to clean
31. I have to go to a laundry mat to do laundry.
32. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment that is way too fucking small.
33. I smoke too much.
34. I used to smoke pot when I was in high school.
35. Don't ever use scissiors when trimming your lady garden. (TRUST ME)
36. I can't sleep when my leg hairs get too long and rubs up against the sheets.
37. My first job was at Burger King and I worked there for 4 years.
38. I was in a car accident in 1995, ended up with a 4 inch scar down the side of my face. People always think it's a pillow mark, like I just woke up. 
39. My sister and I didn't get along until after our Dad died.
40. My favorite adjective is Fuck.
41. I do tons of favors for everyone, but I don't ask favors of anyone else.
42. I hate to drive on the interstate.
43. I don't get enough sleep at night because I read too long.
44. I'm having a really hard time with this list.
45. I used to have a boss who hated me and tried to get me to quit and I told him to fuck off!  He ended up quiting soon after. HA! Suck it ass-licker!
46. One of my favorite sayings is: "Suck it up."
47. I hate the word Pussy. It has too many "S's" in it, sounds too juicy.
48. You can call me anything but a "fucking bitch."
49. I hate when people roll their eyes too much. 
50. Thanks to this blog, I've found the real Ellen and let her come out and play.
51. I choose my battles when it comes to people and their opinions.
52. I have horrible genes, I'm gonna be a wrinkled mess in 10 years.
53. I really, really want to win the lottery!!
54. When I hear that someone is having money problems, I want to help them so much, but then I remember I'm having money problems too.
55. I'm writing 2 books at the same time.
56. I can't stand when people can't laugh at themselves.
57. I want arms like Kelly Ripa.
58. I have OCD when it comes to the doors being locked. 
59. Holy shit this is taking forever!
60. Chris and I don't sleep in the same room because he snores way too much. I feel bad about it too. Until, it's bed time. 
61. My favorite number is 5. 
62. I love exploring new areas.
63. I love scary movies, but I watch them through my fingers.
64. I believe in ghosts.
65. I don't believe when someone commits suicide that they go to Hell. I believe that have to come back and face the same trial and tribulations in the next life.
66. I love the show Long Island Medium.
67. I've had my dead parents and best friend visit me in dreams to let me know that they are okay.
68. I want to be a famous writer.
69. Not a fan of this number. Ha-Ha!
70. I would love for my blog to go viral. Not sure what that means, but if I can get paid for it. Sign me up!
71. I used to be on anxiety meds and quit when I was pregnant with our 3rd baby before I had a miscarriage.  I really need to go back on them.
72. I feel like I live in a little bubble and I love it.
73. I have a strict schedule for my kids and I hate it when it gets screwed up.
74. I would dump Chris for Tatum Channing or Matthew McConaughey.
75. I just had to Google Matthew's last name because I can never remember how to spell it. 
76. I HATE fake people! And I can see right through their little facade.
77. Uncle Si on Duck Dynasty is my favorite. "Jack!"
78. I used to read inspirational quotes, but then I realized that they don't inspire me.  Funny shit inspires me. 
79. I have a horrible time finding sunglasses. My face is too skinny and my nose is too big. 
80. I spend way too much time thinking about my writing projects and not enough time writing them. 
81. I'm really starting to think I live the fucking 'hood!  (I have another blog post about that coming up.)
82. I hate liars.
83. I don't get along well with mothers who think their kids do no wrong! I say BULLSHIT!! I just saw that little sucker eat a fucking booger!
84. I like to tell people I say what's on my mind. But, that's not the whole truth, I bite my tongue a lot!
85. I love Tosh.O!  I think he is hilarious! I love everything that comes out of his mouth. How is it okay for him to say all the shit he says but god for bid a blogger does!! SCREW YOU T.V.  stars!!
86. I have more blogger friends than real ones. 
87. I hate being late for an anything! 
88. I'm not a fan of Adam Levine's talking voice, but I love his singing voice. 
89. There is never a time or place to act serious! I like to joke and have fun all the time. 
90. I can read something heartfelt and turn it around to something foul or sexual. I think that can be considered a talent?
91. Coffee makes me poop.
92. Kids annoy the shit out of me. Yes, including my own!
93. I know the secret on how to understand a man! A) Shut the fuck up. B) What a women says is what a man hears, nothing else! C) They like naked women. 
94. My feelings don't get hurt easily. Which I find weird, because I care what people think. Maybe that's the Gemini in me. 
95. Thanks to my daughter, I'm learning 3rd grade multiplication all over again. 
96. When I get really pissed off I punch things and like to break other people's shit. 
97. When I read a book or watch a movie, I don't critique it. I dive right into the story and enjoy every bit. 
98. I'm not a fan of sweet stuff. Unless, it's donuts! YUM. 
99. There is one blogger friend I've met since I started blogging who has been my biggest cheerleader who likes me for who I am. Inspite of all the bad words I say. (you know who you are)
100. I never take anything for granted. I've learned to live without a lot of things I thought I could NEVER live without.

Not only is this my 100th blog post. I'm also celebrating my 1 year anniversary of starting this blog.  I started it on April 27, 2012!

I hope I didn't bore you too much.  I don't blame you if you just skimmed this list. I probably would have done the same thing. It took me like 3 fucking days to complete this post!  I was bored after fact #23. 

Thank you from the bottom of my bitchy-frozen-ass heart for supporting me and reading my blog.

xoxo