If he fails.. I failed!

My 5 year old son started Kindergarten this year.  (2014)

He was so excited to go!  I was so excited for him to go!!

Two weeks after school started back in August, the school decided that the kindergarten classes were way too big.

They hired a new teacher and pulled a total of I think 18 or 20 students total from 4 different classes to make a 5th class.

My son was one of the students who was chosen to be moved to a new teacher.  I wasn't exactly thrilled, but I didn't say anything about it.  I thought, he has to learn how to deal with change.  So I let him join the new class.

I met the new teacher a week or so after she started.  She was so sweet and nice and she said she had been teacher for around 7 years.  I felt confident that he could deal with the change.

Maybe 2 months, could have been less the teacher quit and had to move back to where ever she came from. I wasn't happy that he was now going to have a 3rd teacher already.  But, what could I do?  The teacher had personal issues she had to deal with.

So, in the mean time his class was now being taught by a substitute teacher.  Luckily it was the same sub everyday.

The sub worked in the class for about a month or so before they finally hired another teacher.

Okay, are you keeping count here?  This will be teacher number 4 all before Christmas!!!

Andrew seemed to be adjusting well.  He loved his again new teacher.
I even loved the teacher.  She is the only teacher in all of the kindergarten classes at that school who assigns homework.  I'm a huge believer in homework.  She even gave every student a three ring binder and split it up into sections.  Behavior, reading log, homework and a communication sheet for her and the parent to stay in contact.
She is organized!! I love organization.

It's now March and I had a parent teacher conference with teacher number 2 about two weeks ago.

I sat down and was asked to sign a paper informing me that Andrew may be held back to repeat kindergarten.

I was freaking flabbergasted!!!
Huh?
What?
Why is the first I'm hearing this shit?!?

After she explained to me what is expected of every kindergartner to know before moving to the first grade.
I calmly explained to her, that I'm NOT happy that this is the first time I'm being told this!  Why didn't you send home a note on your "communication log" that Andrew was falling behind?

Also, that you're are his 4th teacher this year!
Don't you think that would cause some issues with these kids?
She agreed.  Well of course she did!
Then she proceeded to praise Andrew with this behavior!
What the hell ever!  Good behavior gets you out of jail early, but it won't move a kid to the first grade!!!

So, down to the nitty gritty.

He needs to know

1. 55 sight words.
2. How to count to 100 by ones, fives and tens.
3. Various shapes (cones, hexagons, speheres) that I'm not even sure that I know.
4.  How to read on level 2.  I have no freaking clue what that means and when I asked her she said she would send something home with Andrew explaining that. (never got it)
5. How to write his numbers to at least 20.
6. The sound of each letter
7. Difference between upper case and lower case.  (She said he didn't know)

This is what he does know:

•  27 sight words (she said he needs to be at 41 right now)
• He does know how to write to 20 because I taught him!!!!
• I quizzed him 2 different ways on his upper case and lower case and he only missed 2 letters.  

I have been working with Andrew every single day on the 55 sight words he needs to know.  He's getting better, but not as fast I would like him too.  But, I'm still working hard with him.

I realized tonight when I was listening to him sound out words that he really isn't hearing what he's saying. 

It's like when he sounds out the word by the time he gets to the last letter he forgets the first. 

Here's an example:

Hat

Andrew:

H - A - D

He says it over and over and then he blurts out "HARD"  Then he got the damn hiccups from almost hyperventilating sounding out H so many times. 

I Googled.. "How to teach a child how to sound out words."

I found something interesting, come to find out that he is sounding out words using the "choppy" method.

I read that some kids find it very difficult to figure out what word they are trying to sound out.

The site and multiple other sites suggested the child try sounding out the word by using the "blending" method.

I realized that when I was working with him, when I would sound it out I was doing the blending method.  

What the hell does all this mean?  Does it mean I have to start all over again?  I have to teach him how to blend?  I'm not even sure how to teach that?  

I emailed his teacher after I read a few of those sites and I asked her about it.  Hopefully, I will hear back from her tomorrow.

I really don't want him to fail kindergarten, but I don't want him to be behind in the first grade either.  He is one of the youngest in his class.  His birthday is in July.  

Until, the final report card comes out, I'm not giving up on him!  We will be working toward the goal everyday!!

Below is a video of Andrew trying to sound out "WORD." 

He had the hiccups from sounding out "HAD"

I know there are many home school mom's and teachers out there.

Can anyone please help me??   Any advise would be GREATLY appreciated.

Thanks for reading,

Ellen

"The Talk"

Hey all!  Sorry, I haven't written in a while.. a long while.

I wanted to share something with anyone who still might read my blog.  Maybe get some advice on how to approach this situation.

A few months ago, I had an inkling that my 11 year old daughter might be going through puberty.
These are the signs that made me wonder.

• She started to wear underwear under her night shorts.  (she never used to)
• Anytime, anyone walked into the bathroom while she was in the shower she would freak out and act like she's guarding a precious jewel.
• Lastly, I noticed little nips poking out from her shirt.

So, one day I had to know, so I asked her.

"Emilie, do you have hair on your too-too yet?"

Emilie turns bright red and answers "I don't know."

I knew damn well she wasn't going to tell me anything.   So I had to take matters into my own hands and find out.

She was in the shower one night and I went into the bathroom to pretend I was doing something super important.  Of course, she stuck her head out of the shower to make sure I wasn't going to steal her precious jewel.  I turned the water on in the sink and pretended to clean up the vanity area.

I very carefully and quietly tip-toed over to the shower (a whole 3 feet) and ripped open the shower curtain.
Of course, she freaked the hell out.. I would have too.
But, damn-it I'm the mom!  No secrets from the mom!
She was so startled that she didn't know which part of her body to hide, her above or below.  She chose her above.

Holy, crap on a stick my 11 year old had a bush!
I was in shock, not an 11 year old!  That's too young.

So after that, I decided that we needed to have a talk about a woman's body.

I tried to explain to her about what happens to a girls body and what changes happen and why.

She wanted no part of it.  She cried the whole time.  She said that she was just embarrassed and she didn't want to talk about it.
Oh well, I told her.  We have to talk about it.  My mom never talked to me about any of it and it really sucked finding out on my own or from my stupid friends who really knew nothing.

So, I
talked and she cried.

But, now I just saw a video on Facebook about having the "Birds and Bees" talk with your child.
I only talked to her about a freaking period.  How the hell is she going to react when she finds out how a baby is made!!

I thought this video was hilarious!  But, I thought the kids were way too young to talk to them about how babies are born.

Or, is it just me?  What age did you talk to your kids about sex?

If you haven't seen the video I'll post it at the end of my rambling.

I think I picked up so good examples from the video on how to talk to her about it.

Shit, maybe I should have them both in the room.  Andrew is 5, maybe he needs to know about it too.
It would also, make it not so weird for me and Emilie to talk about it. Andrew will be very dramatic and I know it will make her laugh.

So, please share your thoughts with me.


Video source:  Upworthy

                                 
Thanks for reading.

Ellen

Abreast not A breast!

Here is a conversation Chris and I had.

Well, it wasn't a long conversation.  You have to remember that we've been together for like 13 years so I do consider this a conversation, because it didn't involve either one of us grunting at each other.

Me:  Chris what is another word for abreast?

Chris:  Um, knockers, tits and boobs.

20 seconds of Chris staring at me like an idiot because I'm holding myself trying not to pee from laughing so hard.

Chris: What's so damn funny?  You asked me and I told you.

Me:  I didn't say a breast I said abreast.

Chris:  What!  I know and I told you.  Why the hell are you still laughing?

Me:  Abreast means to like keep up to date on something.

Chris:  Well, that's fucking stupid!  And, who ever uses that word is a damn idiot!

Me:   Awe! That's not very nice!

Chris:  Sorry! I really don't think you should use that word though. People are gonna think you're talking about boobies.

Me:  Okay, point taken. Thanks for the tip.

We had another conversation a few weeks about about the word "placate."  That conversation pretty much ended with me running to the bathroom.

I think I will get him a word of the day calendar for his desk at work.

Thanks for reading.

Ellen

Now, this is a real crisis!

What the hell am I supposed to do now?

I was lucky enough to be able to stay home with my newborn baby when he was born.  Five years later and here I am.  I'm doing what some people would probaly think is the greatest thing on earth.  I get six hours of ME time.

Both of my kids are now in school and I have nothing to do.

Get a job right?
Well, no shit!  I've been looking for the past month.  I've sent out more than 20 resumes to companies who are hiring.

Is the job market that bad?  I would like to think so, because what I'm really thinking is much much worse.

Am I too old?  No, they don't know how old I am exactly, although if they look at the dates on my resume, I'm sure they could figure it out.

Not only does it show that I graduated high school the year the hiring manager was probably born.  I also have a 5 year gap.

I wasn't sure if I should make a note on my resume stating why there is a gap.  Just so they don't think I was in rehab mending a broken hip!

I bitch to Chris about how bad I want a job and he looks at me like I'm crazy and says.
"I wish I could sit home all day and do nothing!"

Here's a glimpse of what a normal day for me looks like...

Sometimes I spice things up.. I watch TV in the bedroom instead of the living room.

Getting ready for my mid-morning nap by reading a little.

Physical activity is very important!  I have to keep my light saber skills fresh and new. 

So there you go, that's my newest bullshit I'm dealing with now.  I know boo-hoo for me. People are dying and starving, and I'm bitching about sitting home all day doing nothing. 

Thanks for reading anyway.  Missed you guys!!

Ellen

Do all women deal with this, or is it just an Ellen thing?

As a 40 year old woman, I've learned that women, girls and gay men will talk about pretty much anything.
Everything, including; beauty, love, relationships, health, cooking and sex.

I've always been a pretty open person and nothing really embarrasses me. Most of the time I don't feel uncomfortable even listening or talking about personal stuff with friends. Shit, sometimes even strangers that show an interest or brought up the subject.

Again, over the years I've heard a lot of stories or have been asked advice about problems or situations.  Most of them are just "Hey, Ellen wanna hear something gross?"  Well, of course I say hell yeah, because someone else's gross problem always makes you feel just a tiny bit better about your own gross stuff.

Friend story 
Oh my gosh, I was in the shower the other night because I thought a hot shower would break up the congestion in my chest.  I was in the shower and started coughing like crazy and all of a sudden I felt something coming up my throat.  So, I spit it out in my hand and it was phlegm as big as a golf ball!

My response:
Oh wow, bet that made you feel better!  But, I have to ask, why the hell did you spit in your hand?  You freak the fuck out when you step on a wet noodle with bare feet, but you will spit nasty brown mucus in your hand?  What did you do with it after?

Friend question:
How many times a day do you change your tampon? And, do you change it every time you pee?

My response:
I don't know how many times I change it, depends on how heavy I'm flowing that particular day. And, no I don't change it every time I pee.  Why would I?  You don't pee out of your tampon hole.

Come to find out that this friend who was in her mid 30's at the time, thought that you had to change your tampon every time you peed, because she thought that's where her pee came out of.  After I finished laughing because I thought she was joking I encouraged her to go home and take a hand mirror to her lady bit and to count the holes.  I assured her that there are 3 holes and hopefully she would save a lot more money on tampons from now on.



I had a miscarriage a couple of years ago, I was just at 12 weeks when I miscarried and I was at home.
I called a friend after I knew I passed the fetus.  I called her because she had went through a miscarriage before and I hadn't.

Friend question:
Okay, well when you passed it did you pull it out of the toilet and look at it?

My response:
Uh, Hell no!  Why the hell would I do that?  That is not something I want to see.

This particular story I had absolutely no response to, and this is the same story on how I measure grossness.  After hearing it, I swear nothing else can beat it and I think I can hear just about anything.

Friend:  My husband says my cooter stinks.
Me:  Oh well, that's not good.
Friend: I don't just mean, when his nose is down there, he said he can smell it from across the room. 
Me:  Oh I'm sure he's over reacting.
Friend:  Uh no.  Well the thing is I can smell myself too.  
Me:  ** Crickets**
Friend:  Ellen you there? 
Me:  Uh, yeah.  I'm really not sure what to say to that.  

So when ever I describe a lady's private parts as a 'Hot Pocket', this is the story I'm thinking of.  Ooey, gooey cheesy mess drooling out of itself.

One of the earliest memories I have of girl talk, I must have been about 14 years old.  I was at a friends house hanging out and my friend who was the same age decided to show me something funny.
Just so you know, I was pretty naive back then, shit I thought a virgin was a monster when I was 13. And when people would call me that, I would yell, "No, I'm not a virgin!"  Then, they would all laugh.
So, at the friends house she took off her pants, but thank god left on her underwear.  She rolled herself into a ball on her back and then started to rock back and forth.  First thing I thought was, why the hell did she take her shorts off just to excersize.  Holy shit I was wrong. After a few rocks back and forth, I heard this noise come from her bottom area that was sticking up in the air.  I thought she farted and I thought okay, I can do that without taking off my clothes and I don't even have to rock. But, it does help to lift at least one cheek.  Then she explained to me that her butt wasn't farting it was actually her cooter.  She explained that it was called a queef.  Ugh!  I was like what the fuck is that.  I had no idea that you could fart out of both holes.  For shit's sake what's wrong with the female species.  Thank god, she demonstrated over and over because that was something I wanted to master right away.  Haha, yeah right!  Now, when it happens it's certainly not something I'm proud of.  I don't get embarrassed I just thank the heavens above that it doesn't stink!!


I was at a birthday party once for a kid who's friends with my daughter. Usually, I'm bored as hell with these things, because all the mom's there are uptight and snooty.  Well, this one lady who looked like she fit the uptight profile starting talking about her college years and told me a story about how her best friend called her in a panic in the middle of the night to come help her. The friend didn't explain the problem that she needed help with so this lady just rushed over.  When she walked into her friends apartment bathroom she found her friend on all fours on the bathroom floor.  Apparently, she decided she wanted to wax her bung hole area and couldn't get the paper pulled off on her own.  The lady explained that after laughing so hard and in mild horror of seeing her friends puckered brown eye she closed her eyes and ripped that sucker off of her.

So, I guess it's really not so bad to hear peoples ooey, gooey problems. I've never had to wax anyone's turd cutter!

So, is it just me? Or do all women have to endure listening to these stories/problems.

Even, though it seems awful to listen and picture this stuff, I'm really glad to be a woman.  You know damn well men don't call each other on the phone and complain that green sludge is coming out of his dick hole.

I hope that's not something I have to hear or see EVER!!!!!

Thanks for reading.
Ellen