Tales from the Trailer Park Chaper 6: Dear ole' Dad

Welcome to the Tales from the Trailer Park, if you're new here you can catch up by clicking the sign below.

If you're caught up on this series I've told you before both my parents were older.  My dad was 55 years old when I was born.  I was his 3rd child, he had 2 other children from a previous marriage.

I told you a few stories about my Mom last week, I thought I would tell you few things about my dad.
He was a pure bred Italian, with an attitude to match!  I think that's where I got it from.  Actually, I know that's where I got it from.

So, you know I grew up in a trailer and we had a kick ass pool in the backyard.  I think I was around 12 years old and a freaking tornado hit our house.  One minute we were outside playing and the next minute my mom was screaming at us to come in the house.  I remember it getting really windy outside, what kid doesn't like to play outside in the wind and pretend to be flying.  Just me?  I still love being outside when it's windy.  All that hair blowing makes me feel pretty.  Anyway, we came inside and we were instructed to get into the hallway.  I remember hearing the wind and shit making screeching noises and that's about it.  It only took a few minutes and we were back outside.  We noticed that the damn tornado took half our roof with it.  Well, it didn't take it too far just hanging off the back of the house.  It pulled our antenna damn near off the house as well.  After careful consideration from my dad he realized that the freak of nature didn't do enough of damage.  With help from my half brother they proceeded to pull the antenna off the house and "made" it land into our pool!  I had no idea what the hell he was doing, until later.  Yep, you guessed it, he wanted more money from the insurance people.  I think that was about the time we got cable.  Sweet!!!! - Although, we had to say goodbye to the pool.  He never replaced it.

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I can never remember my dad working. So, while mom was working he was home taking care of us.  He was a typical bored retired man.  He was so bored he bitched about anything and everything that caught his attention.  The top 2 things he would bitch about. One, if you dare did more than one load of laundry a day.
He would go ape shit if he found out, and let me tell you what.. he was home and bored so he noticed. The next thing was if you ripped a paper towel off the roll and left a wet mark on the towel next in line.  I never understood why that bothered him so much.

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I always wondered why my dad never did the dishes when I was younger.  My mom taught Shawn and I how to wash and dry and work together to get this task done.  My dad bought my mom a dishwasher one year.  It was a weird one though, it was some kind of portable dishwasher and you had to hook a tube to the sinks faucet.  I think he let her use it once!  Anyway, in my late teen years my dad decided to start pitching in and do some house work.  He would wash the dishes after dinner and then about an hour later, I noticed my mom doing the same dishes over again.  I inquired and found out that there was a reason why dad didn't do dishes.  It wasn't because he was lazy or felt it was a woman's job.  He freaking sucked at it!

What I found out was, my dad only washed the part of the plate that the food was on.  He said,  "We don't eat on the bottom or the sides of the plate, why should I clean them."  

Then, I watched him one day and holy crap he didn't wash those area's of the plates and he decided that soap was not needed if you just used really hot water.   Mom finally put her foot down and forbid him to ever do dishes again. 

This is a pic of Mom & Dad 1997

RIP
Angelo Fischkelta - 1998
Honor Fischkelta -  2011


Thanks for reading

Freaky Fetish

A friend told me about this, and a friend told her.  It's these postings on Craigslist, that are way beyond selling a bed or grandpa's old rock collection.    These are real postings from real people who have what I would call odd sexual requests and fetishes.  Who am I to say that these are odd?  Obviously, I'm a bit vanilla or have been living under a boulder.

Initially, I wanted to copy and paste the actual postings on my blog.  After some research I think it's not allowed and damn if I want to be sued by that website.  So what I'm going to do is, in my own words list fetishes I never knew existed and shit I would never do.

1.   When Chris gets home from work I have absolutely no desire to take off his work boots and sniff and suck on his sweaty stinky toes!

2.  I'm not sure why watching someone pissing and shitting themselves is a turn-on. But this lady is "dying" to host a party!

3.  The word smother scares the shit out of me.  Even when being tickled too much I lose my breath and feel like I might die. So, the thought of someone smothering me with their toes, feet and sitting on my face, I can tell you I will freak the fuck out!

4.  A guy who says his fetish is watching someone clean his house and do is laundry with no nudity or sex.
  I call bullshit! That's not a fetish that's a lazy asshole!

5.  I almost projectile vomited when I read that a man is looking for a woman, any women married or single to visit him during her menstrual cycle.  He will not have intercourse only give her oral!

6.  When you think of playing a video game do you also think of getting "slammed" from behind?  Um, me either!  This guys is looking for a woman who will play Super Mario Brothers and who can also fake an orgasm while he's busy from behind.  He is very specific about what will happen at the end of each level!  WTF!!

7.  What does it mean if a man only wants foreplay and insists that there will be no sex?  Is he really a man? Is he so big he hasn't seen his winky dink in years?  Ugh. I'm grossing myself out!

8.  I thought men did their personal deed alone.  I guess I'm wrong though.  I'm seeing many, many ad's who want to be watched while do this to themselves.  They don't want the other person to touch them or even talk just to watch.

9.  I would call this abuse.  Apparently some people consider this a foot fetish.  A man looking for a person who will kick and trample on him with bare feet.  Oh and he also mentioned that he can be used as a toilet!

10.  I believe this gentleman has Mommy issues!  He's looking for an older woman (didn't specify age) who will bath, breastfeed and tuck him in.


I'm a pretty open minded person.  Although, a few of them grossed me out but I was really shocked to read some of these.  The one's listed above are no where near all of them posted. There are hundreds of them.
I know we've all heard of a golden shower, that one is mild compared to what some people are doing now-a-days.

I read these to Chris and thank god, he thought they were all weird!  Well except for #4!

Thanks for reading and I hope you got a good laugh out of this.

Rainy summer days

This is what my kids do to entertain themselves this summer while stuck in a small apartment on rainy days!

This is one of the many tents (forts) they decided to build on top of my dining room table. 

The next thing she decided to do was make a hammock in the hallway using sheets. 

Luckily, I caught her before she used every thumb tack we have and ripped the sheet all to hell,
to make that dream come true. 

So, she convinced her brother that they are in cocoon's.

What I find funny is, when she has to write a story for homework she freaks the hell out claiming she has no imagination and she can't do it!

At least they aren't bugging the hell out of me.  But, still counting the days until school resumes!

36 days.

Thanks for reading.

xoxo

Tales from the Trailer Park Chapter 5: "You Little Asshole"

Welcome to the Tales from the Trailer Park, if you're new here you can catch up by clicking the sign below.

I wanted to dedicate a chapter about each of my parents. Today I'm starting with my Mom.  Her name was Honor and she was an older mom.  She had me when she was 39 years old and my sister 18 months later.  We were her only children.  I thought because she was an older mom she wouldn't entertain us the way I thought a mom should.  Come to find out, now that I'm a mother it's just a pain in the ass to try to entertain your kids all day long.   I wanted to share with you all the silly and disturbing things I used to do to my Mom while I was a youngster.  I titled this post "You Little Asshole," because that was the phrase I would hear often after I pulled my "stunts."

Okay,

Does anyone remember those outfits that were made of terry cloth and came in all sorts of pastel colors?  Oh and they were also strapless?  If not then the picture below is exactly what I'm talking about.

My mom detested bra's, she worn them when she absolutely had to, like work and going to the store.  But, as soon as she got home she would rip off that sucker and pull on one of these fabulous outfits.

Remember when I told you about the fence that I used to climb trying to get to the tree?  Well, that same fence separated our yard from our neighbor's yard.  The neighbor was also my mom's boss.  Anyway, whenever she would pull herself outside the smoke filled house and off the couch she would be outside standing by the fence talking to boss lady.  She was more than Mom's boss she was also really good friends with her.

When I felt there was just nothing else to do with my pitiful life, I would annoy my mom and I also looked for any reason to get a laugh, even if it was at the expense of another.

I'm sure I whined to mom those two horrible, eye scratching words to her during my childhood. "I'm bored!" But, when she yelled at me for the gazillionth time to go play I would go to my stand by for entertainment.

Picture it.....
Mom standing at the fence in her towel like outfit with a cigarette in her hand talking away to boss lady.
I would come up behind her and swoosh...

Down goes the outfit and hello mom boobs.

I didn't only do this when she was talking to boss lady, sometimes boss lady's husband was there too.
Of course I got many, many belly laughs from doing that.  Obviously not from my Mom, but who cares a laugh is a laugh right?

She would pull herself back together and turn around,
"Ellen, dammit to hell!  You little asshole!" she would scream at me.
If I were close by she would have tried to grab me, but I'm not that stupid.
I knew damn well Mom didn't run, so as soon as I did my deed I would run out of her reach.
I can't even count how many times I did that to her over the years.  You would think she would stop wearing those crazy looking things.


Ahh, good times..

Every once and a while Mom would come outside and just sit down on the front porch.  Mind you I called it a porch but technically it was just a concrete slab that butted up to the front of the house.  There was an awening that covered it at one point. Well, until the tornado ripped it off, but that's another story I will leave to tell you about my Dad.

She would sit there in her outfit and yes a cigarette in her hand and watch us do our gymnastic in the yard.  One time we bugged her so damn much to do a cartwheel for us.  We only did this to entertain ourselves. Damn straight, we thought it would be funny as hell to see our "old" mom doing a cartwheel in the front yard.
She did. Once. We laughed.

She was terrified of snakes!  I mean kick your ass to get out of a 1 mile vicinity of a snake.
Some how we got our hands on a fake black snake.  Yep we did what you're thinking.  She's sitting on the porch in a beach chair the one's that fold down and hard as hell to get out of.  I came up behind her and threw that sucker right around her neck.

I'm laughing now thinking about it.  She freaked the hell out!  She wiggled and waggled to get away and then managed to make the legs of her beach chair go up and she fell to the ground with the fake snake around her neck.
I thought for sure I would be in deep shit for that stunt, although I thought it was definitely worth it.

She yelled for a minute and then went back to smoking.

God, I miss my mom.  She really was able to give me so many laughs!
I hope I'm able to give my children all the ammunition they need to laugh with and about me.

Thanks for reading.

xoxo

Tales from the Trailer Park Chapter 4: Trailer Park Psychic

Welcome to Chapter 4 of Tales from the Trailer Park.

If you haven't read the first three chapters, you can find them here.



When I was in elementary school, one time I was bus monitor.
Hell yah! I got wear that cool ass orange belt thingy and I think that sucker even had a pin on telling people to listen to me!  I believe I was in the 5th grade when I was honored with this awesome ability to yell at the shit heads on the bus I didn't’ like.

On our route to school we traveled mostly back roads, well because that’s all there really was.  At one point we would come to the end of a street and we could either go left or right.  Straight ahead was a small white wooden house, I don’t’ remember if anyone lived there or not.  It’s really not important.

 I got up for school one morning and got ready, admiring my nifty belt I got to wear on our travels to school.

Okay, I’m on the bus and we were stopped at one of the bus stops, I was allowed to stand while we were stopped to help the little ones get on and get to their seats.  I was feeling out of sorts that day and I couldn't figure out why.  I felt like I needed to remember something, but for the life of me I couldn't remember.

I was distracted by all the damn noise on the bus, they just weren't listening to me.  I sat down knowing defeat when I see it and I began thinking about why I felt so buggy that day.

Then all of a sudden like I was zapped by lighting, I had a dream the night before that the little white wooden house was burning.  I remembered seeing flames and it felt hot.  I looked out the front window because I hadn't paid attention where we were on our route and I realized that we hadn't gotten to that house yet.

 I felt my stomach doing flips inside me, I was freaking nervous to see that house.  What if it was burned to the ground? What would that mean?  Did that mean that I’m a freak? Can I tell the future?  Would I get to be bus monitor again?  Damn what a gift this could be.

 My face turned white and I stood up in the aisle of the bus, because I saw it, the house had indeed burned down.  I remember the damn bus driver yelled at me for standing while she was moving. I wanted to remind her that I was wearing my belt and to mind her manners.

 I swear to Jesus who visited me while I was swimming, the house was standing proud yesterday!

How come I can’t remember how to divide without a calculator but I can remember shit from the 5th grade?

There was one other psychic incident while I was young, my Aunt who also lived on our street had died and I knew she died before anyone told me.  Finally while hanging upside down in a tree at my brother's house my dad came up to the tree and looked at my upside down face.

"Ellen, Aunt Alice died."  he said
"I know dad."  I replied.

Well, that's all the stories I have about my psychic abilitiy and I promise no more stories about feminine products.  Although, coming up will be a story about when I got the privilege to watch my first boyfriend shit out of a tree!

Thanks for reading,

xoxo